Together
by LuigiWife1551
Summary: Which hurts more: wounds from your worst enemy, or wounds from your brothers? Rated T for safety.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So this is my very first TMNT Fanfic. I watched the movie, and I loved it! Also got Smash-Up for the Wii- if you haven't played it, you should. It's awesome!**

**Please take it easy on me, but I always welcome reviews and critisim! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: As much as I would love to own them, sadly, I do not. And I won't be saying this after this chapter, so here ya go!**

**Note: The chapters will switch between the POVs of the turtles, mainly Leo and Mikey, and one chapter with Raph. The turtles are sixteen years old. Master Splinter died three years earlier. Mikey is also very...um, depressed in this one, but it has a happy ending! That's all I'll tell!**

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><p><strong>Together<strong>

**Chapter 1-Mikey**

It was so cold...

Why was it so cold?

I kept looking around, and I blinked. It was dark. I hate this place...but why do I hate it?

Don't I belong here?

And then, I remembered. I didn't want to watch them die... I couldn't.

My brothers. They should be okay now.

I don't remember how long ago it was. But I listened to them telling me what I have always known. I do remember that it was after a particularly bad defeat we took against some Foot.

I'm a child. I drag the team down. I'm useless, and all I care about are things that shouldn't matter. Raph wanted me to go away, and never come back. I remember that...he was so mad, he punched everything that was within fist distance in my room. I was too scared to stop him.

Donnie told me that if I put half as much energy into training as I did video games, then maybe they wouldn't have to deal with my screw-ups. And he gave me that all-pitying look I hate so much...but I couldn't feel anything then. Why should I?

But it was what Leo said that really stung, deeper than Donnie and Raph's words put together.

Leo always knew I was a little different. But he wished sometimes that I was like them, not such a goof-off all the time.

He wanted me to grow up, to stop acting like I was a child. Then, he wished that I wasn't even born.

I _know_ all that. I've always known.

But that's just how I _am_. I can't change that.

Then they wouldn't talk to me anymore. I was ignored a lot, and the only time they would talk to me was to yell at me for something...mostly when I screwed up in training.

I think I spent more time crying my eyes out than training or eating. I was sure of one thing- I couldn't face them anymore.

A screw-up...up until I was captured my Karai, I really wondered how much have I brought my brothers down. How far I set them back.

It must've been really far. Whenever I wasn't forced to train, I would study them. I wanted to see if I was really as bad as they made me out to be.

And I noticed how focused they were. Even Raph seemed more calm when he and Leo were sparring against each other, and he...he was smiling a lot.

I knew why. Because they didn't have to deal with me.

Even so, I tried to handle it. Tried to shake this whole thing off and go on with my life.

They're my brothers; I can't just leave them.

But in the end, I broke down. Completely.

It was after a training match with Leo that I had reached my breaking point. I lost, but that wasn't what did it.

What did it...was how he bad he beat me. It was so bad, I think my wrist was broken. Even so...

He yelled at me, saying that I needed to get faster and stronger than that. Then, he forced me up and made me do push-ups and things like that. And every time I messed up...I'd get hit by him and Raph.

It was a lot. My wrist was badly sprained, and putting pressure on it was excruciating.

I couldn't deal with it anymore.

So I left. It was weeks after that incident, when my wrist was a bit better. I never left a note or anything. I wrote a last entry in my journal, and I just left.

I felt the words hurt more and more, echoing in my mind, stabbing me deeper in my heart. The wounds were hard to take, but physical wounds always heal.

Emotional ones, though, are a lot harder to recover from.

And I knew... they were right.

I was having a hard time accepting it, but...they were right.

I ran off into the welcoming air of the city. With April right around the corner, it was a pretty warm night. Clear sky,awfully quiet streets...just peaceful out here.

New York City. The city where we all began.

Where we all grew up and protected one another.

And where I was finally left on my own.

Deserted. Rejected.

I feel the tears stinging at my eyes, and despite not wanting to, I cry.

Silent in the darkness...like we always were.

I shed more tears as the truth sinks in more and more inside me.

I let them fall to the cold cemented ground below my feet.

My tears...so many of them. I was amazed that I could shed so many... haven't I shed enough?

I couldn't stop. It was because I understood the whole truth now.

I just wish it hadn't hurt so much.

I can't remember when I started running again. I just...I couldn't stay there anymore. I needed to move ,to think about other things, to feel _something_ other than hurt and pain and sadness.

I just kept running until I was panting heavily, until my chest burned for air I wasn't taking in. I looked out in front of me, standing straighter as I caught my breath.

New York City. My home.

I thought long and hard about what I should do now. I was on my own, and it frightened me. I didn't know what to do without my older brothers...without Leo in particular.

I sat down on the roof's edge, letting all those times I spent with my brothers run through my head.

And I realized something. I can't get angry at them. I can't feel hurt, I can't... can't hate them.

Somewhere in my subconsciousness, I reached for my cell, intent on calling them.

Then, I paused. Should I even call? What would it matter?

They would probably reprimand me for running and crying like a baby.

But I can't help it! I have feelings, too! I hurt, I have a heart!

Yet, it doesn't matter...does it?

In all my thoughts, I hadn't felt the sharp stab of a tranquilizer dart. It wasn't until I stood up, and was man-handled over a husky shoulder that I heard her.

Karai.

Crap...and I didn't have my weapons...

Double crap.

The one thing I heard clearly, I remember, was her asking where my brothers were. Then she was telling me an ambush wouldn't work.

She could see that I was weaker, and when I made no motion to call for my brothers, she asked for their whereabouts, a bit more louder than before. She honestly thought they were coming for me?

She has no idea how lucky she just got.

I was starting to feel dizzy, and I figured that the traq dart would take its effect soon.

I wasn't going to tell her. I don't care what she wants to do with me.

I could never live with myself if I let them die.

Even if I make them hate me, even if I shouldn't have existed...I still love them.

So I just shook my head, let out a weak laugh, and told her to do whatever she wanted to do with me.

I surrendered. Just like that.

I mean, what could I do? I was severely outnumbered, I had no weapon, and I was alone.

That got to me.

I really was alone...

I guess I fainted or something, because I came around and found myself in The Shredder's lair.

Karai was standing over me, and her glare was piercing. She scares me, to be honest.

I was strapped to a cold, steel table, my shell taking brute pressure. My waist, ankles and wrists were bound tight with some kind of strap.

The extra straps weren't needed. I wasn't going anywhere even if I was free. But she still doesn't know that.

Again, she demanded to know where my brothers were, telling me she'd spare my life if I told her. Again, I told her nothing.

Come on, Karai. I'm trying to die here, so you think I'm gonna trust your words? You have really lost your mind.

So she ordered some weird guy with a white coat in here. Then, I watched her leave, telling me I'd regret this.

No, Karai...I won't. You won't understand.

Heck,_ I_ don't understand. But I'll never regret this. I'll never regret making sure my brothers are happy agian.

Right after she left, it began.

For the entire time I was in there, he never spoke or looked at me. Kinda reminded me of Donny.

I watched him pick up something shiny and sharp, he muttered something, and then he walked over. I don't know if fear had me, or I was just ready to die or what, but I didn't fight back. I think it was the fear. Of what exactly, I can't tell.

I felt this awful pain in my side, just enough to keep me alert. Like I was going to sleep.

Remember, this is Karai. She will torture people to get what she wants, you know?

I had no clue it would hurt this bad, though. Ouch!

He repeated it until I was close to passing out from the blood loss. I'm sure he was either stabbing me or cutting me pretty harsh and deep. It was painful either way, but I didn't scream.

I didn't want to give any of them the satisfaction.

Then came the injections.

The first one...I think was a crimson red color. But the minute he shoved that thing into my arm, I felt the most intense pain yet, and I know I was screaming. My head kept banging against the steel table, so I had a growing headache as well.

It was terrible, but compared to what I had to put up with my brothers...I don't know. I guess it was worse.

The second was a dark, dark green color. It didn't do anything at first, and I was trying to breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe my insides can get a rest...?

Damn. Then again, maybe not.

I was slowly losing my ability to breathe. Like, my lungs felt like it was filling with water and I couldn't get it out!

I was flailing...oh god, I was screaming, begging them to help me, to stop this...

I couldn't breathe!

After some time-I can't recall how much- I felt myself gathering air again. But my chest was on fire. It stung each time I attempted to breathe.

The guy said something, and came at me with a third one.

All I remember seeing was the color of the liquid inside it. It looked even darker than before. Almost black.

By that point, despite trying to fight everything, I was done. I passed out.

When I came around, I saw they tossed me in a cell. It was cold, and dirty, and I smelled something rank and nasty...not sure what it was. I didn't care.

I curled into a ball and cried. I was so scared, and this was the only way I could express my fears.

It was only my first day, and I knew...it was all going to shell from here.

I can't recall if I ever ate. Probably not. I was losing weight, and I think I was lighter than Donny! We were always close in weight, with Raph being the heaviest and Leo somewhere in the middle.

There were some days where she would spare me, as crazy as it sounds.

If she didn't want to torture me, she'd want me to tell her where my brothers were. I guess she thought she could use me as a guinea pig to lure my brothers to her.

I still refused.

On those days, I would just lay there, my mind blank, everything numb all around me. Nothing mattered to me...nothing except Death.

I always remembered the four-word phrase I let run through my mind- _It was almost over._

Other nights, it was pure shell. I remember those treatments.

There were times where she would actually be in there, and through my screaming and skull-bashing against the steel table, I would see her, giving me a death-glare and signaling the guy to increase the pressure on whatever it was he did to me.

And other times, when I was being cut up or tested on, she'd be so close, I could smell her breath. It always smelled like mint, and I was always reminded of Leo.

He had that same exact scent... like lavender and liliac and something else...must be those meditation candles he always used...

And then...she'd talk. Whisper the truth over and over again, making sure it was etched into my memory.

**_'They are never going to come and save you. You have smudged their honor, and you are useless to anyone. So why not just die? Why not just vanish, Michaelangelo?_**'

And you wanna know something?

When she said it, venom dripping from every word, I broke. I gave up. It was over.

She just didn't know. That is exactly what my brothers wanted me to do, Karai. That's why I can never tell you where they are.

Because that will be a secret that will die when I do. The only thing giving me peace.

But for some reason, I...I couldn't...it just...I don't know. It didn't really matter to me anymore.

Then it was back to that cell. I would lay there for hours on end, trying to stop the pain from everything around me.

And when the pain got to be too much, I would curl into a ball on the floor, and cry. I just cried myself to sleep.

It was like that every night for over...actually, I lost track after about a week and a few days.

And I knew I couldv'e called my brothers. I could've sent them my signal. My ShellCell was still nearby,which was weird. But I could've just sent them my signal, and it would've been the end of it.

But I didn't want to use it. What good would it do?

My brothers already hated me. And I honestly believed that they would want me here. It's where I belong, right?

So one night, out of anger and hopelessness, I smashed the phone against the wall.

Right after that, an odd feeling washed over me. I can't...I mean, I never felt anything like it. It was like that phone was the last thread holding my bond to my brothers. Like that was all I had to do in order to leave this world and grant them all their final request.

Karai had no idea, but she was doing us all a grand favor.

Karai held me in longer than usual this one day. I was strapped to a cold table, but it wasn't steel. At least that was an improvement.

I was laying on my shell again, which was wounded and sore. My body hadn't healed from the last round of treatments, so the wounds were stretched and bleeding a bit. My head was bleeding a little, my body was weak and I had no energy left to even stand upright.

But if I had to rank my pain level, with ten being the worst, oddly enough...it would be a one. I was growing so accustomed to this...I didn't care.

Of course, she started the usual way. Cuts, threats. I had gotten so used to it, it didn't really faze me anymore.

Blood ran down my body so heavily, I wondered how I was still alive for this. I wanted it to end...

Then, though a foggy view, I saw her signal a Foot. And he came in.

I thought he was going to kill me at last. I sighed a little, thankful for that.

But they did something different.

I was released, but right afterward, I was quickly strung up by my wrists. My feet were dangling at least two feet off the ground, but now my wrists were supporting my weight.

What the shell was going on?

The Foot she signaled in unwrapped something. I tensed, not seeing what was going on-and I was snapped alert.

He was whipping me with something resembling a whip, but it had spikes adoring it.

Personally, I hadn't cared. I just screamed. Screamed and thrashed with the little energy I had left. I knew my wrists were badly broken, and I screamed even more at the heat of the pain from the whiplashes and my wrists.

Why wasn't I dead?

Slowly, a bit too slowly, I could feel something coming over me, and I just faintly recall whispering Leo's name.

_I'm scared, Leo. I don't like this_.

But what did it matter? I was gonna die. They would be happy then.

And that's what I wanted for them. Happiness...they deserve it. I mean, we've had the worst happening to us, and Leo and Raphie and Donny...they were always dealing with me. I must've been some burden.

Not anymore I'm not.

Master Splinter...I wonder what he would say. I wonder if he'd hate me, too. I knew he would.

_I'm a coward. I'm useless. I'm weak._

The next thing I knew, she was in my face again. I guess I fainted for a moment. I couldn't make out what she was saying, but I felt something. Her farewell mark.

She took out her kunai, looking at me directly in my eyes. Then, without a word, she calmly leaned forward toward me and carved the symbol of her father into my face, on my right cheek. I couldn't even whimper for that. I fell unconscious soon after.

The next time I opened my eyes, and that was a challenge in itself, I was in the cell, and everything finally left me in one more crying moment.

My wounds were on fire, and I couldn't take in full breaths of air. My mind was spinning, my body was going numb...but I didn't care.

It had been so cold here...and then...

A light...a warm light was beginning to envelop me...

I saw a hand, and heard a really nice lady's voice...she wanted to know something.

She wanted to know if I was ready.

She wanted to take me away from here.

I nodded, pausing to ask a question. Just something that was starting to come to mind.

"Will...will I go to..."

_"No. You gave yourself for the safety of your brothers. This excuses you from anymore pain, Michaelangelo. Now come." _she said sweetly, a loving smile on her face.

I nodded again, extending out my hand to her. She felt really soft, like one of my blankets I had at home.

Looking up at her, I could see was these two large, white angel wings surrounding her. Her hair was kinda blonde, but it looked like a dirty brown to me. Her eyes were the same color as Leo's. A warm cinnamon color.

I like her. She reminds me of Leo.

It was instantly the most warm feeling in the world.

It was done...just a bit more, and...

_"Mikey!_"

I'm coming...it's really nice here...

_"Mikey, answer me! Michaelangelo!_"

Wait...I'm almost there...Don't rush me...

_"Dammit, Mikey! Where are ya?"_

I closed my eyes. I was there. I don't wanna wake up...

They'll be okay...I'm not...dragging them down anymore...They're free.

And so am I.

_"MIKEY!"_

It was all warm and safe now. I didn't hurt...nothing hurt.

It was okay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Together**

**Chapter** **2-Leo**

Oh god...

Oh good god, what have I done to him...?

"Mikey? MIKEY!"

He was just...there. Laying perfectly still. Not one sound escaped him, which was so unlike my goofball of a brother.

Oh god...Mikey...

It had to have been three years since we lost Master Splinter. And I was sure as shell that we were going to lose our youngest brother, too.

And all because of that small error... all because of something he never did.

The loss wasn't bad. Well, it was, but...it wasn't him. He didn't do it.

We lost, but it had been my fault in particular. I hadn't been smart enough to predict the massive amount of Foot that was coming at us. It had seemed so easy at first, none of us had broke a sweat.

Then I actually allowed ourselves to be put in danger by continuing the fight. Mikey knew, though.

He knew there was no way we could expect to win this match and come home in one piece.

But we still fought. Of course, we got knocked around some, but it didn't seem like anyone was seriously hurt. So we kept going.

I had to make sure they were okay. They looked fine, especially Raph.

But Mikey knew.

He knew we had to run. He knew we had to run long ago.

Instead, he stayed. He stayed until my half-awake mind finally caught on to the situation.

So why were we mad at him? He didn't do anything wrong.

What the living hell was wrong with us? We treated Mikey like dirt, and over one loss? Shell, he was the one who saved _us_ from getting our shells handed to us, or worse!

It was never his fault...but we told him all that, all those hateful things...we actually physically attacked him, emotionally destroyed him...we did this. But why?

And then, we ignored him. Just acted like he was never born...like he never existed.

But he didn't do this. No, he...he wasn't a liability!

Mikey was always a child at heart. He never liked to be so serious, unlike the rest of us. He had an innocence about him, and that was something we all wanted to protect most.

Granted, he wasn't as smart as Donny, or as strong as Raph, or level-headed as I was. But besides his outragous speed, he was just...he would somehow have this sixth sense when it came to other people's feelings.

If any one of us was ever feeling upset or just angry, he was always there to listen. And while he might not have understood everything we said, the words he spoke somehow made the most sense.

It's strange how we pushed away the person who looked up to us, saw something in each of us that went past brotherly affection.

Like Raph. He saw Raph as the hero in his comic books I tried to get him to lay off (which by the way, was impossible). I know he never saw anything less than flaming passion and fierce determination. And Mikey never knew it, but he often made me stop and think more about my immediate. And I have to admit, I saw that same passion and determination that Mikey saw.

Then came me. I never knew that Mikey looked to me as more of a big brother than a leader. Whenever I started drilling all of them harder at practice, or began badgering Raph every other night he went topside for hours on end, Mikey saw it as brotherly concern, not a stick in the mud as Raph called me. Even when I got on his case about his short attention span and how one day, he may get himself hurt or worse, he would nod, giggling and playful. But he understood why I did that, why I always threatened that.

With me, he saw love and concern for the little things, paranoia for their safety and just someone to talk to. It took a long time for me to realize that. Once, I think he called me '_**Mommy Leo.'**_ We were younger, though, and I never thought very much about the meaning behind that. Not until now.

He saw me as the protector from his nightmares, something he had plenty of as a turtle tot.

I was his protector, and Raph...I think he saw Raph as the defender. The fighter.

And finally, there was Donny.

With Mikey and Donny, their connection was different. Even though he loved me and Raph to death, he and Donny were literally a minute apart, and hung out more than often, despite the fact Mikey _constantly_ blew something up in Donny's lab. But the main reason they got so close was because of me and Raph. What exactly did me and Raph do, however, was something neither one ever told us.

And that's the thing with Mikey and Donny. They're like me and Raph, able to look and communicate with each other without saying a word. But they eep so much to themselves, especially Mikey. Sometimes, I think those nightmares was more of a blackmail thing. It forced him to keep quiet so that we could never fully understand what ran through his head. But for some reason, Donny knew all that, and was able to get it out of him. He held him and always allowed Mikey to cry and tell him little details, little facts that he didn't want me or Raph to know.

It hurt a bit, but I knew Mikey would talk to Donny because Donny was so calm and level with the world.

Even if he annoyed the living shell out of us, which again, was most of the time, none of us could never stay mad at Mikey for longer than five minutes. Believe me, Donny tried. And me. And Master Splinter, and April and Casey. And _especially_ Raph. It never worked.

Until now. Three months...we were angry at him for that long, and I can't figure out why!

If it wasn't one thing with Mikey, it was another. Half the time, we all looked around and wonder how we haven't lost our lair yet.

But the main trait about Mike, the main thing that made him unforgettable... was how he made us laugh and smile. Always saw the brighter side of things when it seemed to be the darkest of times. Somehow saw things we never saw or wanted to see.

Most importantly...he gave us the simplest truth when we knew we needed to hear it the most.

After he left, we hadn't paid much attention. We hadn't _cared_. We just went about our business.

Morbidly enough, it was so quiet, I think we actually preferred it.

I thought it better that my youngest brother not live here anymore. It was the day Raph and Don got angry at him because Raph had given him an order to follow, and he messed up or something. I wasn't there, but at the time, I was just as pissed. I knew he'd get one of us seriously hurt, or worse! Raph said he had 'taught him a lesson' and sent him to his room. I went along with it, thinking he deserved it.

As quiet as he was that night, I don't reall if I even heard him leave. Or if I had bothered to make sure he was,at the least, alright.

Reguardless, we never went into his room. Never touched his things after Raph destroyed nearly all of it, or bothered to replace it.

Training actually went well, and was more productive, Donny was finishing his experiments and projects on time without a random issue or detonation problem to deal with, and Raph seemed more relaxed than ever. He rode his bike every night,and would come back grinning like he hit the jackpot. And I was able to meditate in peace and quiet, something I could never do with Mikey around.

We just moved on as if he never existed. And I can't bear to think what Mikey went through the whole time.

What kind of older brother thinks and even worse, _does_ that sort of stuff?

It was about a month later after that incident, I believe, when Donny tried to call his phone. He was rambling about Mikey's GPS beeping somewhere out of zone or something along those lines, and it was driving him crazy. I still hadn't acknowledged that he had been gone for that long.

So I had asked him why didn't he just call him down here to straighten it out, but he said that he wasn't really in the mood to hear Mikey's excuses. I agreed to that statement. Mikey always had some excuses ready and waiting for him everytime he did something.

Raph then came downstairs, announcing that Mikey wasn't in his room. I shrugged a bit. I mean, everyone has to go topside sometimes, right?

So Donny tried to call his cell, thinking he had wandered too far from our boundaries. The first two times, he never got anything, so he went to his computer to see if he could trace Mikey's signal that way.

At the time, when we had actually stopped to care that the lair was short one brother, we just though he left it in his room. We all knew Mikey was forgetting that thing, and Raph said that it probably needs to be charged. Donny said he would try and trace it anyway, just to be sure.

Me and Raph shrugged it off, thinking he just went topside or to Casey's house...although I told myself I doubt he'd be there. Casey hated him even more than Raph did, so why would he go there?

But Donny checked it anyway, and he was shaking when he turned to face us.

He told us that the signal was coming from The Shredder's lair. It was a faint one, but he wasn't crazy. It was there. Although he couldn't pinpoint it exactly, he said that it was in that vicinity, and instantly, I snapped out of whatever had me possessed for all this time. I looked back at my younger brothers, and they saw the look that told them everything they needed to know.

And that's when I knew...we had done it. We pushed Mikey away...we harmed him in ways that a brother should never harm a brother...and he's in enemy's hands. Karai's hands.

We wanted to leave right , Raph wanted to rip off heads before we even left the lair. But without knowing exactly where he was or if he had the cell, or if he was even alive, we had no clue at what to do, and that pissed Raph off even more. He wanted to beat Karai senseless for what she did, but I told him to stop and think.

"What for? That _bitch_ has him, Leo! That's all I need to fuckin' know!" he had screamed.

But Donny knew what I meant. He was still sitting at his computer, just in shock. Raph was still fuming, trashing things and punching the wall. I didn't stop him.

I looked around at them, at our home, and I saw that we had pushed Mikey so far away for such a long time, we hadn't even cared if he was alive, hurt or what. We told him to go and die, that he should never have been born into this family...that he should vanish.

It took another week before we finally worked up the courage, the strength...everything to go out and find him. Surprisingly, it was easy to find that place, and even easier for Donny to hack into.

We began searching almost instantly, splitting up inside the monstrous lair to find our brother. Earlier, Donny had told us that Mikey's signal was so weak, there was no way we would be able to track him following it. So we broke up, and I was left in charge to the lowest level...the cells where Karai most likely kept anyone she felt crossed her path.

As I searched for him, the smell kept knocking me back on my feet, making me stop at times to gather myself. I called for Mikey, hoping he was still alive, but at the same time, not wanting him to suffer like he probably was.

I shone my flashlight toward the far end of the corridor, and it was then that I saw my first traces of blood. You have no idea how frightened I was at that point. I didn't know if it was Mikey, if he was alive now or if he was really...dead.

Not wanting to prolong the suspense any longer, I broke down the rusty door, and tentatively stepped in, one of my katana swords in my grasp.

The minute I turned my flashlight down and saw him, I screamed. I screamed like I never had before.

I mean, I knew how much _we_ had hurt him.

Karai's torture was simply the tip of the iceburg.

He had all sorts of needle marks, harsh and swollen, up and down his arms. Already, I felt like ripping Karai limb from limb.

Mikey hated needles like the plague. I remember he and Don got into an argument about them last year, and he had run out. At the time, just like all those other times, we thought he was being a drama queen, but he really had a fear of those things.

As I continued to run the flashlight down his battered frame, I saw both his wrists were broken, his shell was slightly cracked, and his plastron the same. Whiplash marks covered his legs heavily, and covered his arms where the needle marks didn't.

What really scared me, though, was his throat. It was cut, but not so deep that it may have severed his windpipe. Blood covered him like a blanket, and his breathing was so faint and shallow, I nearly panicked. I thought he was dead.

I dropped to my knees next to him, my sword clattering to the ground along with me, and checked his pulse. Extremely weak, but there.

His gear was missing, but I knew he never had them to begin with. His knee pads were barely on, and his elbow pads were completely shredded. I looked up at the far end of the wall, something catching my eye. Shining my light, I saw his ShellCell. It was destroyed, except for the small GPS piece that fell out his phone. But it was barely in a whole piece.

I was looking at his face, tilting it a little to the right as gently as I could. And on his cheek was something that sickened me to my very soul.

She'd carved her filthy symbol of her father on his face.

I wanted to start killing at that point. I needed to kill someone, to do something, but what? And to whom? _I'm_ responsible for this! As much as I hate saying this, I had helped my sworn enemy break and nearly kill my brother!

I'm supposed to protect him...and this is what I do?

"Mikey? Mikey, wake up...come on, little bro..." I whispered, tying to keep my emotions in check. He didn't respond.

I shook him, just a little, and a meek whimper escaped him.

At least he was still alive.

"That's it, Mikey. Come on." I coached, gathering him in my arms as much as I could.

He grimaced, then let out a soft little cry. So soft...so unlike him. He was in pain, I know he is. Mikey...

_"...c-coming..."_ he breathed quietly. I blinked in utter confusion. What was he talking about?

"Mikey? Can you hear me?"

_"...i-it's...over...th-they...be okay..."_ he breathed again, even quieter than before.

"Mikey, wake up!"

He moaned in more pain, then he let out a cough, blood flying out of his mouth, some splattering on my chest. I paid it no mind. His eyes fluttered open.

The first thing I saw...was sadness. Just endless sadness and pain.

Mikey must've endured so much, and he didn't look like he want to try and fight it anymore. His sapphire orbs were slightly fogged over and unfocused. I hated seeing that in my youngest brother.

"Mikey, can you hear me?" I asked.

_"Le...Leo...d-did I...die?"_ he asked, his voice weak and faint.

"No. I've got you, Mikey. Hang on!" I said, carefully cradling him to me.

He smiled, a sad one, and then blinked slowly, trying to clear his sight. It looked like he was trying to get something out,but blood kept coming out his mouth, and he seemed to be choking off it. I sat him up, trying to helpl him breathe, and he slumped against me, too weak to keep himself upright.

Oh lord, what the shell had he gone through?

_"I...I'm...sorry, Leo...love you..."_ he finally whispered. By now, he was so weak, his words were starting to slur. That wound on his throat wasn't making things any better.

"Mikey, stay awake for me!"

He blinked again, his head resting heavily on my plastron. He lifted it just enough to see my face, and...oh, god. His expression, it was...it was so tired and angry and hurt and...I understood it all.

_"...did I...s-screw up...again?"_ he asked, his voice tiny, almost fearful. I could see he was about to faint.

I shook my head, my throat feeling so closed up, my mind so cloudy, I couldn't think straight. I couldn't stand watching Mikey like this.

He was afraid. Afraid of us. My littlest brother was truly frightened of me.

_**'Mikey...fight this. You're not alone. Not anymore.' **_I remember thinking to myself.

When I could finally get back to the present, I quickly whipped out my cell and sent Donny and Raph my location before focusing back on my brother.

I saw he was still awake, but he wasn't focusing on anything. He grew even weaker than before, and he let out a soft sigh before relaxing against my hold.

My heart broke, and I wanted to kill myself for what I did to him. We did this...there's no other truth. Karai only aided us without even knowing it. We were the true villains here.

I failed to protect my youngest. He shouldn't be lying here...no, he shouldn't be here at all.

_**'Father...I failed you.I failed everyone. I'm sorry.'**_

_"Leo?"_ he called quietly, his voice laced with evident confusion. I wasn't even sure if he knew I was holding him anymore.

"Yeah? Mikey, I'm here." I softly assured him.

Mikey's head felt so heavy against my chest. He started to shake, just a slight bit. I calmed him as much as I could.

_"...I...screw-up..."_ he muttered tiredly, parts of his sentence incoherent. His eyes were falling closed, but he was fighting it.

I shook my head again, allowing him to curl into my chest as much as he was allowed.

A screw-up...was that what he believed he was?

No. That's what we made him believe.

"It's okay, Mikey." I told him, trying to reassure myself as much as I was him.

_"Leo, I...I'm...so tired...sleep..."_ he whispered. His voice...it was so soft, I couldn't stand it. It's not Mikey! I'm used to him jumping around, yelling, laughing...just being free. Not this. Never this.

Mikey's eyes fell closed again, and I didn't want to wake him. He needed some kind of peace. I owe him that.

His breathing actually evened out a little, and I let out a sigh of relief. He was going to make it. He had to.

"I'm so sorry, Mikey...I'm sorry."

I held him tight to my chest, still waiting for my other two brothers, hoping they would hurry.

I felt my face grow really damp, my chest tightening so much I couldn't breathe. I closed my eyes tight, but the tears still seeped out anyway.

"Mikey, just hang on. I'm getting you out. I promise."

Promises...how many have we broken, Mikey?

Just how many of them have we broken?


	3. Chapter 3

**Together**

**Chapter 3- Mikey**

What was happening? Why was Leo here? Was I in hell or something? What was going on?

Why...why can't I just die? I had enough!

I couldn't move, I could barely breathe, my body hurt, my head hurt, I could barely talk, and everything was going all over the place.

It was weird, though. At the same time, I felt really warm and light. There wasn't pain, and I was pretty sure that this was limbo. I remember watching it once on TV.

Through that light, I heard something. A voice. And it kept calling my name.

I was trying to block it out at first, enjoying this sense of freedom I was feeling, letting it all overtake me.

But then I figured out who it was. Leo?

I heard Leo calling my name...I know I'm not crazy...

He was calling me, and trying to wake me. For what? I thought they wanted me out the picture.

I was doing this for you guys...I'm going away for good, just like you guys said to do. So why wake me? I'm doing what you guys asked...and what I felt I should do.

By the time I could finally look into my brother's light brown eyes, everything seemed to be spinning out of control. I felt so sick, and my voice was weak.

As painful as it all was, though, I was... I was actually happy. At least I could see him...and tell him that I loved him. That I loved them all.

I was at least allowed that much before I left.

I didn't see either Raphie or Donny, and figured they were safe and sound back home. Good. They don't have to be here.

So I told him.

_"...I'm...sorry, Leo...love you..."_

And I watched him trying to keep it together.

One thought crossed my hazy mind. Leo... and Raphie... they never cry.

I remember that was one of the many things I wrote about that in a journal that I kept. I never showed it to anyone, but I began keeping a journal, both before and after Master Splinter passed.

The first one was long before this all happened, when we were still together and stronger than ever. I had to have been nine, ten. I had never had an actual use for it at the time, just wrote things that went on in my head. I loved that one in particular because it was the last thing I ever got from our father before he passed.

The second one...it was after we lost our father and all this started. To be honest, I can't really tell you where I got it from, just that it became a really close friend I never thought I would have, and one I'm really thankful for.

I remember that they never cry. They always had to stay strong for us, so I never saw them cry. That was always me and Donnie.

They always protected me. Even as a little turtle tot, I always ran to either Raphie or Leo or Donny, and I'd just cling to them. I was such a baby, but I loved it. I loved all of it.

Even so, they never cared about that. They didn't care about all the tears I cried when I attempted to tell them what I had dreamed about, what I had saw. They just held me close, and I recalled the warmth I felt curling up under them.

Leo was the warmest one of all three of them. He always was. I remember he always let me curl under him the most. My head tucked securely under his. I was safe there.

I wrote about the feeling I let wash over me every time. Security. The feeling his chest rising against me as he slept, so content with everything, so...strong and sturdy,even after we lost our mentor, our father. Whenever I couldn't sleep, I would be listening to their heartbeats, be it Leo or Donny or Raph.

A steady, even tempo of hearts. Hearing them, each little beat loud to me in my ear. Keeping count of them until I couldn't stay awake anymore. Other times, I was listening to them talk about things I was too young and naive to understand, but smiling nonetheless. I liked hearing them talk, hearing Raph and Leo yelling about the weirdest things, and Donny using his huge vocabulary to confuse and enlighten us.

I missed that. Maybe because I'm the youngest, or maybe because I hate being alone. I think it was both. In those years, I didn't feel so scared with my brothers and my father around me.

But that was then, when we were all still looking for something. Still united.

I guess...I didn't want to let that go.

With that second journal, I wrote about the emotions I could never seem to express anymore around my brothers. It was hard, all of it, but that...not being able to mess and play and talk to my older brothers anymore...hurt the most.

I was always able to talk to them, tell about my feelings, even when I didn't understand why I felt the way I did. Leo was always giving me comfort and supportive advice, Raph always made me crack a smile with his headstrong point of view, and Donny cheered me up by using words he knew would go right over my head a week later.

Each and every time I wrote in my journal, I cried halfway through a entry, and by the time I was done, I was just...empty. I could never cry or scream or feel or do anything, just...just be.

The actual physical and verbal and mental abuse didn't break me-yet. It just made me want to die a bit more every day. I would always think of ways to kill myself, but I could never go through with it. At night...all I had were nightmares. Nothing but haunting dreams that made me question my very reason for living.

And every night, it was always the same answer...my brothers. I still love them. I can't hate them because I'm a failure.

And for the next few months, I just kept writing and crying until I left that day. It seemed that was the one thing that kept me mind from drifting too far away.

Back then, I...I don't know. I missed just having them close, missed having someone to tell me what was happening to me and everything around me.

After Master Splinter died, I think we all drifted away from each other. No, I'm positive of it. Nothing was the same between us. I didn't want to admit it, but we were all growing apart. It scared me, but I couldn't say anything. I was the nutball of the family, and I knew they's never take me seriously. No one ever has.

But they seemed to have gotten over it, put it all behind them and moved on. They grew stronger, and I thought I had, too.

That's not me. _At all._

I was scared stiff when I found out what had happened, how Master Splinter had died, and I had so many nightmares about death and losing them and being alone, I lost count. Half my journal was full of those nightmares. And every time I'd wake up...I'd cry. I was so damn scared of everything, I just cried until I could go to sleep again. If I went to sleep at all.

But Leo and the others...they never knew. I couldn't tell them. They scared me so much, I couldn't talk to them anymore. I felt so weak and pathetic for letting it get to me, but I'm not as strong as them! I never was, and I knew they would hate me even more for being such a little piece of trash.

I thought I was as strong as them. I wanted to believe that. That I could grow up, and stop weighing them down.

I wanted to think I could push it all in that little part in the back of my head and leave it there until I grow old.

I'm older, so I thought I'd get over it. My nightmares, my fears, everything. But I got worse.

Raphie's strong, Donnie's smart, Leo's calm...and I don't fit in with any of that.

I'm a useless idiot. And idiot who clings onto the past and thinks it's going to return to those times, thinking it's all going to be alright!

I'm pathetic, aren't I, guys? Was I really this stupid and in the way? This...this...weak?

Well, no matter. I can't be anything now. I don't have to be.

It's fine if I die. I don't care.

They'd be perfect. Nothing could stop them then. The ultimate team...that's it.

And at least...it wouldn't hurt me. It'll all go away.

I faintly heard him. Leo was calling to me again. Trying to get me to stay awake. Leo...

Leo, I...I just wanna go to sleep...I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry I'm so weak. I'm sorry I'm so useless and worthless, and I made you and the others suffer from my mistakes.

I tried to fight, Leo. I really did, but...I don't want to. I just want it to end, Leo.

I clearly remember asking Leo if I screwed up. Maybe that's why he came. To make sure I get the hint..

As much pain and agony I was in, that thought comforted me. Maybe because I accepted it. It took a long time, but now I get it. I understand why you'd guys want me to go. Why no one would miss me then.

It was time for me to rid the world of one huge mistake.

Just before I blacked out, I heard Leo saying this: "It's okay, Mikey."

In a sense, Leo...it is. Make sure you thank Karai for this. She just helped us more than she'll ever know.

I'm sorry, guys. You know I'll always love you all.

But you'll be better off without me. I can't weigh you down, I can't mess you up.

Not anymore.

I can acknowledge that now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's Chapter 4. It's the longest so far, but if I confused you, please let me know! And thanks to Amonraphoenix for your idea! I hope you like it! ****Thanks for the reviews! :)**

**Enjoy! And you know you want to review when you're done! :)**

* * *

><p><strong>Together<strong>

**Chapter 4-Leo**

I didn't think Donnie and Raph could get here fast enough. By the time they did, Mikey had fallen unconscious again.

Donny took Mikey from me, laying him on the ground on his side so he could see exactly what happened. Not like it took a genius to figure_ that_ out.

He struggled to keep himself together as he checked our little brother over. I looked at them both, and I asked myself a strange question.

Did Mikey think Donny was evil for how he treated him? Probably, but I can't really call him a demon.

That's more for Raph and myself. I knew we took away more than Mikey's innocence and spirit.

We took away any trust he may of had for us. It all died inside him, and I was sure we could never fix that. His heart was damaged, and it...it stung when I think about it.

I looked at Raph, and he was just frozen. It scared me. He was staring at Mikey, trying to say something, his lips moving, but no words coming out. His expression was one of shock and fear and guilt, something I never saw in my immediate. This shook him to the core, I could tell.

I knew that feeling. He couldn't register what had happened. No words could ever describe what he must've been feeling. I...I wasn't sure what I should've felt then.

Donny was talking to the both of us as he worked on Mikey, taking stuff from his bag. I wasn't really registering what he was saying for about three minutes. All I heard him say was that we had to get him out of here as fast as we could.

I gathered Mikey, telling Donnie and Raph to fend off any enemies that may just nodded.

We left that cell at last. The whole time, neither of us spoke, and Raph's anger was so great I felt it radiating off him. He was pissed, but he'll see. There's no one to blame, not even Karai.

It seemed we were actually in luck. Donnie had disabled the alarms inside the lab. so we were able to get back outside without any issues. The Battle Shell was parked out back from what I recalled. We were close...so close.

All the while, I felt Mikey's breath, oddly even and soft, caressing my plastron. His blood was drying, his body so limp and light in my arms. I was carrying him bridal-style, and I was appalled at the amount of weight he'd lost. I mean, Raph's our largest brother, but Mikey was never this...light.

Once we got outside, I saw some guards that had been posted, along with some Foot. I knew one thing- we make any noise, there was no way we were going to get Mikey home alive.

I looked at Raph, and we exchanged looks. He knew exactly what I needed them to do.

I nodded once before sneaking out back to the Battle Shell. It wasn't hard. There was one guard who was dumb enough to turn his back to me. I couldn't fight with Mikey in my arms, so I just gave him a powerful, swift kick to the back of his head. Knocked him out, too.

While I waited for the others, I stole a look at Mikey. He looked like he was still resting in peace, and for a moment, I wondered if keeping him alive was the best thing for him.

He wanted peace in his life, like we all do.

And we had ours, different as it all is. So why can't we let him have his?

I smiled at him. He just didn't know how much I loved him. How much he meant to any of us. With the way we treated him, how could he?

"It's going to be okay, Mikey. Just don't give up, alright?" I whispered to him again.

He shifted a bit, then let out another sigh.

_"...Leo..."_

About ten minutes later, I heard Donny jumping into the driver's side, and Raph going for the guns. Despite the situation, he was grinning, and I arched my eye ridge. Now why was he-

Not even two minutes later, I heard another truck following us at top speed, firing missiles and everything.

My only though: _'Dammit, Raph._'

I was in back, still holding Mikey, and protecting him as the truck swerved all around.

I heard Raph cussing and firing missiles like there was no tomorrow, and Donny screaming as he tried to keep the entire truck from turning over. I heard, but I didn't really listen. The had it all under control.

My attention, my mind, everything...it was focused on Mikey.

Protect...the one thing I never did for little Mikey...I left him here to go though this...and I hadn't cared.

The next time I looked up, we were at the lair. Was I really that zoned out?

Donny looked like he had a heart attack twice. His was resting against the seat, panting lightly, his hand over his chest. I smiled a little. I never knew Donny to be the action-loving turtle of the bunch. Poor Donny. He was going to be tired tonight.

Raph climbed down from his perch looking down at me and Mikey. He was still grinning some, and I was glad to see it, even for a few minutes.

He was still heated, though. He wouldn't calm down until Karai was dead. And you know what?

I regret not leaving him to do just that. I hated her to the deepest pits of hell, even after what we did to Mikey.

After some time, we got out the Battle Shell and took out time getting Mikey to the lair.

He let out a little whimper every now and then, so we knew he was alive. But he was still hurting, so we knew we had to hurry.

Mikey would hate us all...and I don't blame him for it.

Once in the lair, we got him into the infirmary, and Donny was about to give Mikey another thorough check over, when his eyes widened.

I looked at his expression, then over his shoulder, and I gasped. Raph sucked in a sharp breath.

Mikey's eyes were wide open, but they didn't seem to be focused on anything around him. He was taking hard, difficult breaths, his hands grabbing fistfuls of the sheet, and I saw blood trailing down his chin.

He was losing his ability to breathe. His lungs must be filling with blood.

Donny went into his 'Doctor' mode. He quickly grabbed a scalpel and made an incision on Mikey's left side. Then, I watched him grab a tube and shove in into the incision. Blood was dripping onto the floor, covering Donny's feet, but he kept his eyes on the matter at hand.

For a few minutes, nothing happened, and I thought we lost him. Then, and thank heavens for that, Mikey started to take slow, regular breaths and his eyes closed as he was stabilized. God, that scared the living shell out of me.

Donny began to shake -bad. I knew he was frightened, and Raph was getting so frustrated, he just left. I decided to deal with him later.

Instead, I wrapped my arms about Donny's shoulders' giving them a supportive squeeze.

"Donny. Donny, calm down, alright? You can do this." I told him. His shaking stopped, but he was still nervous.

"Leo, I...I don't...I can't-" he stuttered.

But I turned him to face me, and I didn't let his shoulders go until he got the meaning of what I said.

"Donatello, your brother needs you right now. Don't you _dare_ give up on him again, you hear me?" I practically shouted.

He looked at me, my harsh tone causing him to flinch a bit.

"Donny, it's up to you. Don't worry about anything else, okay? Focus." I said, my tone a lot softer.

He nodded, wiping his face and smiling. Yeah, he got it. It was a bit meaner than I had intended, but he needed it.

"Yeah, Leo. Now stand aside." he said, a small smirk playing on his face.

I returned the smirk, moving out of the infirmary as he went about getting his supplies. I could tell he was still nervous, but I also knew he was going to fight to save the only little brother he has.

I watched him get comfortable in his work zone before I stepped out to let him have his space.

I recalled going to the couch, unable to do anything else at that point. I don't know when Donny got finished, or when I dozed off. I felt him tapping me, and jerking his head in the direction of the lab.

I nodded, and I looked at Donnie. He was tired and scared, but I knew. Our gentle pacifist of a brother was clearly upset.

It was unusual to see Donny so stressed and upset because he was always so level-headed, allowing reason to top everything else. It was probably the main reason why Mikey hung out with Donny so much.

"Donny, you need to rest." I told him, moving over to allow him to sit.

At least Mikey would be okay. Donny was telling me that he'd be in there for a few weeks because of the amount of wounds he had, how bad he was dehydrated and starved, his infections, just...everything. I didn't need the details. I understood.

I nodded again, and we sat there in the still quietness of the living room for a while.

Some twenty minutes later, he finally caved in. He threw his arms about my waist, holding tight, burying his face into my chest, crying softly.

I didn't care. I just held him, letting him cry himself out. I wanted to do the exact same thing, but I felt it would be more appropriate to cry later. Right now, I needed to calm Donny down.

Donny and Mikey were always the criers, but Mikey was the worst. He was always having these nightmares, and hated sleeping by himself.

Whenever he had one, he'd run into either me or Raph's, or sometimes even Donny's arms, crying and screaming,_'Bad Dream.'_

I'd ask him what happened, and when he couldn't tell me right then and there, I held him close, trying to calm him.

I remember how much he would whimper in his sleep. Sometimes, he wouldn't sleep at all, his nightmares so bad he'd be up until morning. Those times, Master Splinter would allow him to sleep in through practice after I told him what happened.

It always amazed me how he would hold on so tight and so long. I mean, even in the morning, he still had a vice-like grip about my waist, holding to my shell for dear life! But it didn't bother me. It never had. And when he felt he could, at the end of the week, he'd tell me what the nightmare was about.

For a turtle tot, those nightmares were some of the worst. And even I had no clue why it was happening to him.

There was this one time, back when we were, like, eight. We still shared a bed then, so we were always talking and telling each other things, even when Master Splinter would have to yell down the hall to get us to shut up and sleep.

But anyway, that one night, I couldn't sleep for some reason. Donny was sleeping curled next to Raph, who I guess couldn't sleep, either. He was still up as well, looking at the ceiling. The room was silent because Mikey had went to talk to Master Splinter about something. Usually, he is always making us talk and laugh until we got into trouble.

Just as me and Raph were finally about to surrender to sleep, Mikey came into our room,and he crawled into bed between me and Raph. Since Donny had Raph as his pillow for the night, he used me as his.

_"Leo? Raphie?"_ he had asked.

His voice...it was so small back then, so...fragile. Like he would break at any given moment.

_"Promise you'll keep me safe?"_ he had said.

And I remember I looked toward him, and I asked where that had came from. Raph just looked at him, a confused look on his face.

And he started to cry. And he told me that in his last nightmare, he saw us all die in some gruesome ways. Before he could force himself to go into detail, he started to bawl heavily. Donny woke up, and he was looking at Mikey, still sleepy.

For me, that was all I needed to know. It was another nightmare, and so I comforted him, like I've always done.

And Mikey... he curled so tight into my side, and he just kept asking that through his tears.

Promise to protect him.

He asked all of us.

And I recall the whispered promise. Me and Donny and Raph looked at each other and nodded. Mikey just...he had this huge, radiant smile on his face, and then he yawned. We all laughed.

We promised ourselves and each other...that we'd protect and fight as one until the day we die. That's how it was back then.

I remembered how easy he fell asleep right afterward. How soft his snores were as he did. He hadn't slept in two days, so we were all excused from training the next day. It didn't bother me.

All I worried about was Mikey. He shouldn't be going through that, but we helped him through it. That's what he told me the following night.

Protect. I promised to protect him.

But I didn't do what I promised to do.

You know, with Mikey, you'd never know anything was wrong. He never let any of his troubles stop him from flashing his famous smile and goofing off with him family and friends He never worried about the future, just enjoyed the life he had.

When it came to training, that boy was either using excuses to get out of it, or never trying his best. Granted, he was nowhere near as strong as Raph or I, or as cunning as Donny. But he was fast! Somehow he managed to pin Donny or Raph, and even me at times, down in every other training battle, and I would be in awe. How he did it, I never knew.

So how could we do that to him? Why did we do it? We pushed him away...and he might actually die because of it!

I was so absorbed in my thoughts, I almost forgot Donny was laying here. He was quiet now, his crying slowed down to little sniffles. Donny could not take anything else for the night, I could feel it.

"...Leo?" he asked.

"Yeah, Donny?"

He let out a shaky sigh.

"Will...will Mikey hate us now?" he asked.

"...I don't know." I told him, my hold unknowingly tightening around him.

He didn't want to accept it any more than I did.

"Leo, there was so much blood...he lost so much of it..." he whimpered.

"It's over now. You can rest." I whispered gently, rubbing his shell. He shook his head, trying to keep himself awake.

"Leo, I...I'm scared." I nodded.

"I know."

We sat in quiet again. And it took me a good amount of time to realize Donny had finally fallen asleep.

I detached Donny's arms from my waist, and slowly got up, laying Donny's head where I sat, and putting up his feet. Then I went and fetched a blanket from the other room, draping it over him when I returned.

."Rest now, Donny. You've done enough." I said in his ear. I gently wiped his tears, and he snuggled deeper into the blanket.

Donny was okay for tonight. Now to check on Raph.

Knowing him, I figured he went topside with Casey, and I was about to call him. As I walked past his room, I stopped, squinting into the dark, cluttered room. And I could not believe it.

Raph was asleep. At this time of night? On a Saturday?

This must be hard on him. Raph was known to be out doing something crazy on Saturday nights, not sleeping in.

While I felt he needed it, a tiny part of me wished that he was out risking his life so I could yell at him in the morning. I wanted us to go back to how we were, but...things are not that easy.

When we first pushed Mikey away, Raph still went topside to release some well-built anger on thugs, dealers, any street punk that crossed his path. But once he returned, he would resume beating on Mikey.

To be honest, I can't tell you why Raph got so angry at Mikey, or if I had even bothered to ask. And it all started with the death of our father.

The one thing I know will haunt me for the rest of my life was his screams. They were horrid and loud and pain-filled, begging Raph to stop, begging me and Donny to help him. Even then, I never bothered.

I hadn't paid no attention at the time, letting his pleas go unheard. Sometimes, Casey would be there, and Mikey couldn't get away from him, either. Really of a fact, I don't really know why Casey hit him. I think Raph convinced him that he was in the way of everyone, including him.

Regardless, if and when they both came at him, Mikey would be sore and bruised for weeks. There were times when he couldn't move, could barely walk. And I still didn't care!

There was this one time where Raph and me got so pissed at him for something. I think it was because he pulled a prank on Raph. But we had chased him down, threatening things that one should never threaten to a brother. Mikey was so scared to come out. I think he hid in a small part of a tunnel we hardly walked past those days.

But I know we somehow forced him out. Raph was literally ready to kill him, and he just beat on him so bad. It was horrible, and then I joined in on it!

Mikey made eye contact with me the whole time, crying and shaking, but that was nothing compared to what his eyes were begging me to do. They were asking me to stop this. They wanted to know why his older brothers were doing this, were hurting him so much. Why I didn't stop it, why I never protected him!

By the time Raph and I felt like he had gotten the point, Mikey was just...he was bruised horribly on his arms from defending himself, his side, and he had a split lip. I looked at him, and I felt so disgusted with him, and I remember he was coming around.

And he had asked me why. Why did we hate him, what had he done that made us so mad at him? He wanted to know the truth, and he was whimpering in so much pain. I still hadn't cared, I called him a baby and things even worse than that. I remember bending down to meet him face to face, and I told him how much of a failure he was. That Father died because he was so stupid that he left himself wide open from an attack that he could have defended himself from. I blamed everything on him.

And then...then I kicked him. Hard, right in his side. And I told him he had to get home on his own, and I just left. I didn't look back.

But after we found out where Mikey was, things changed. Raph remembered that very same beating, plus many others that he had delivered, and I tell you, I never saw Raph so angry with himself. He still went topside, but when he came back, his knuckles would be bloody red. Casey learned from him a few hours later, and he was hurting himself just as bad. April had a hard time controlling him sometimes.

I understood they felt guilty, but for Raph, it hurt more because of our promise.

I shook my head clear of that memory, and I decided to talk to him in the morning. Just as I turned to let him rest, he called me. He must have of heard me coming in.

I turned around. "Raph?" I asked, walking a bit more into his room and turning on his light.

He was laying in his hammock. I walked to the edge of it and stood there. It felt kind of strange and uncomfortable to be in Raph's room, but at the same time, I needed to be _somewhere._ "You okay?"

He shook his head, and jumped down. I heard him slowly walk up to me, his footsteps heavy.

After awhile, he stood in front of me, and we stared at each other. Then, and quite suddenly, he hugged me. It was a bit awkward because it was Raph. But I think we both needed that, too. Someone to hold us steady and still listen.

I took a sharp breath from the sudden impact and steadied myself. It wasn't like Raph to do this, especially to me.

"Raph?" I questioned. He rested his head on my shoulder. I waited.

"Leo, what's gonna happen now? What about Mikey?" he muttered.

I returned the embrace, leading Raph to my room so we can both sit down. No way I was sitting on that hammock of his.

Once we were inside my room, I pulled my door partially shut and continued on to my bed. Raph released me and sat down, and I followed suit.

"He'll be okay, but...I don't know how he'll fair as far as mentally or emotionally, however. I don't know." I explained to him.

Raph nodded, not looking at me for a bit. I could tell he was trying not to go beserk. His whole being was even more tense than before. I watched him carefully, and I don't even think he knew I was eying him.

"Raph, you okay?" I asked again.

He bit his bottom lip, shaking his head no over and over.

"Oh god, Leo. What did we do to him? What the hell did we do? Dammit, what the hell did_ I_ do?" he yelled. I placed my hand on his shoulder, not saying anything. Something told me he wanted to vent. So why wasn't he breaking things or cussing or something along those lines? That was the definition of 'venting' according to Raph.

My hand tightened a little, and Raph finally turned to look at me.

"Leo, we killed him, didn't we?" he asked quietly.

"Raph...in a way, we did." I answered, equally quiet. I let go of his shoulder, thinking that he wasn't going to go nuts tonight.

He nodded again, but just like Donny, I could see that he didn't want to accept that as the truth.

He sat back more on my bed and we both fell silent. We said all that was needed. Of course, Raph wanted to _do_ something, but the way he was now, what can he do? He realized that, but he downright hated it. That wasn't going to stop him, though.

I was starting at my meditation candles straight ahead on the shelf, thinking about this.

It had to have been months that we allowed Mikey's innocence to be destroyed. Every day, I knew he felt it. A bit of him die as we treated him like dirt, as we hit and attacked him like he was the enemy. We must have done the unthinkable to him. Mikey's emotional level was a bit higher than we actually tended to comprehend, we all knew that. And yet we still did it!

But for some reason...for a reason only Mikey would understand...he still loved us. He could've ended it all, but he fought because we're brothers. That was the one thing Mikey knew. He didn't know anything else.

And still, we never stopped to tell Mikey the truth; we lied to him for months!

And this broke him. He might not have told us, but I think I always knew.

I was pulled from my thoughts when something soft took hold of my hand, a loose, yet pleading grip. I held it back.

Raph's guard finally fell. He was exposing a side of himself he never let anyone see, let alone myself. This was getting to be too much for any of us. I rested my head on his for awhile, trying to focus on something, I didn't care what.

Mikey's bloody body ,his willingness to give up, that pain that was in his eyes, all of it came back to me, and I winced inwardly. Those images were never going away,and it was hard to think about Mikey in such a state.

"Leo, why the hell did we do that? To _Mikey,_ Leo! We knew what we were doing, so why the fuck did we do it? Leo, _we damn well near broke him!_" he screamed out of the blue. He let go of my hand and hopped of my bed, fuming again.

"I know, Raph. I know." I simply stated.

A few more quiet minutes passed. Raph was pacing around in my room, and I still sat on my bed, not moving. I was starting to get a headache. All that thinking was making me want to sleep.

"Leo, we have to be with him." Raph said pausing to look at me. He looked desperate to do something, but I couldn't allow him to see Mikey. I didn't know what would happen if he did.

"I know, but...I don't think we should. Not now." I told him, my head beginning to pound.

But Raph wouldn't hear that.

"Leo, that's Mikey we're talking about! Our _brother!_" he barked angrily. I was expecting this, but now, Raph?

"Raph, tell me. What do you hope to gain by being in there? Mikey's petrified of all of us! You, me, Donny, Casey and April!_** ALL**_ of us! We can't force ourselves to him, Raph! He needs time! We all do!" I yelled back. That headache grew a lot worse, and I rubbed my temples, trying to deal with Raph, trying to deal with all these emotions around and within me. It was getting to be way, _way_ too much.

Suddenly, Raph screamed. I knew why Raph was screaming, but I just didn't want to deal with this right now. I looked up at him, and shook my head.

"Raph, stop this."

But he grabbed a kunai and charged at me. I barely made it off the bed before that kunai nicked me on my arm. I hissed, but paid it no mind for now.

I didn't stop him. I told you, Raph vents differently than us.

"Leo, I hate you! I hate you, you bastard!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. He kept coming at me with the kunai, and I kept dodging while trying to deal with my headache.

Growing tired of this, I accidently lowered my guard, and Raph pinned me to the ground. I was feeling a bit lightheaded, and Raph's yelling wasn't helping. I tried to push him off, but I forgot he was our brawiest brother, so he was heavy.

"Raph, get off me! Trying to kill me won't solve anything!" I screamed as loud as I could.

I remember that look in his eyes. I never saw Raph so...so afraid and confused before. It really worried me.

"Raph, ease off me."

He actually did as he was told for once, but no sooner did I sit up, his arms latched around my neck, screaming still. I didn't know what to do with him, and I felt even more lightheaded. I sighed.

"Leo, I don't wanna lose him..." he finally sobbed.

"Raph, we won't. We have to fight, too. We can't leave him alone, but right now...right now, Mikey needs time to figure it out on his own. And so do we." I whispered.

Raph nodded, but he was too tired to figure out anything.

"Mikey...I'm so sorry..." he breathed.

I smiled." Raph...we'll get him back."

I watched him as he relaxed against me. I kept one arm around his shoulder and allowed him to rest on me. He was that worn out, huh?

"You need to rest. No topside for you." I said, looking at my sleepy brother as he yawned.

Raph's eyes were falling closed. He looked at me, and something told me I'd never see that expression again. He looked so young, I missed those times when we were toddlers and still new to the world.

"Thanks, Leo." he said. He yawned again, cutting off most of his sentence.

"Sure thing. Now go to sleep."

Three seconds later, his loud, deep snoring filled my room. I shook my head. He was so tired, I had to think, '_When was the last time you actually went to sleep?_'

I moved him onto my bed, laying him down and making sure he was covered properly before I stepped out of my room. My head was killing me, and I wanted to lay down and go to sleep more than anything. But taking a deep breath and clearing my head, I headed down to the infirmary.

Checking on Mikey was the hardest thing I've done all night.

The very first thing I heard, even before walking in the room, was all this medical equipment beeping. He was hooked up to something that was helping him breathe, and I looked over at his heart monitor. The steady beeping reassured me to an extent, but actually _looking_ at him? That nearly knocked me off my feet.

Mikey's arms, torso, legs, throat and his head were heavily wrapped in bandages. Both his wrists were in casts, and a bandage was on his face from that symbol. A breathing mask was on his beak, and an IV was hooked up into his left arm.

I stood at the doorway for a long time, just staring at the amount of white that encased Mikey like a mummy. I wondered if Donny had given him any pain medication. I really could't deal with him suffering anymore.

As I walked into the room, all these childhood memories came back to me so fast, I felt the air being knocked clean out of me. I tried to gather my composure, and when I felt I did, I walked further into the room.

Standing by his bedside, it was difficult to see Mikey so pale and still and just...I don't know. Hurt. It felt like a bad horror film, and with the hell he went through, it probably was.

Even unconscious, he looked like he was in ease, but I knew better.

I closed my eyes for a brief minute, trying to see if I could mentally talk to him. I wanted to hope he wasn't supremely traumatized, hoping he could still talk to me. If such a thing was even possible at this point.

When I felt a low connection, I attempted to speak to him, to try and reach him. Even his conscious seemed to be shut down, and I sighed. At least he was out cold.

I kept trying, though, and eventually, it paid off. I got something of a connection to Mikey, but trying to keep it was becoming a task. He kept wavering, so I had to hold the connection still for the both of us. There was no way I was going to let him slip away from me.

'_Mikey. Mikey, I know you can hear me. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine, but I want you to listen. Whatever you do, don't give up. I can't let you go, and I refuse to, Mikey. If you die...then I will as well. I know I didn't protect you in this life. But if you will allow me to...I can protect you in the next. That's a promise I will never break.' _

Mikey didn't respond, but something told me he heard. I know he did.

Not wanting to stress Mikey further, and assured that he was okay and still alive, I snapped the connection. I can't force myself to him yet, either physically or spiritually. He's too fragile.

Right now, all I could do was talk to him a little every day until he felt he could talk to me, too. I had to get him to slowly trust me again.

I opened my eyes, grabbed a chair that was nearby and sat down, gently taking Mikey's hand in my own. For a good while, I let the beeping and Mikey's breathing machine calm my mind.

But it all overwhelmed me to a point. I put my head down on the bed edge...and I cried. I didn't care who heard me, or what anyone thought. My body was trembling, my head was pounding, but I still didn't care.

I felt, somewhere in my heart, sheading these tears was only the beginning if we were all to heal. But...I didn't know if I wanted to, what I wanted to do...I just didn't know anymore. I wished Father were here, because I was pretty sure I couldn't do this on my own.

"Mikey...I'm so sorry...I know we-we left you to suffer, to cry, to feel fear on your own. Just please...don't give up yet. I understand you want to, but don't. You have a family who wants you back, Mikey. I love you." I choked out. Those words hurt so much to speak, but I had to say it all. Apologizing would never take back what we did, the promises we broke...the scars we left on his heart. But I had to.

After a good long while, when I felt I could cry no more, I wiped my face, my heart a little lighter than before. I guess I needed that. Something told me Mikey's sixth presence never left us. I bet he knew I needed this, too. The thought me me smile a little. He still knew...he still knew.

I leaned over and gave him a soft kiss on his forehead, telling him I'd be back soon.

Leaving the infirmary, I looked down the hall, not feeling the need to sleep anymore. Still had a pounding headache, though.

I don't know what possessed me to do this, but I headed to Mikey's room. I swore to myself I'd never go in there, but...I felt there was a secret hidden there, something that might explain Mikey's thoughts and feelings. Something to explain our actions toward him.

Upon entering, I winced. Most of his action figures, his drawings, his comics were destroyed and all over the floor in there. His room looked worse than ever, and I knew Raph was behind this.

Oh god, Mikey...he must've been devastated. He loved those things just as much as he loved us.

I walked in, and looking on his desk, I saw some half-finished pieces of work. Landscapes of the city mainly, but he had lots of them. I leafed through them, finding other drawings of us, of Master Splinter, of Klunk, of April and Casey.

They were beautiful, and I could not believe that we had ruined such incredible work. Mikey did have a knack for doing things outside of being a ninja. Drawing, playing video games...being a typical teenager.

Looking at the ones of Klunk made me smile as I recalled him first finding that cat. He died sometime last year,but he felt such a special connection to him, despite having him for only two and a half years. I did, too, even though it took a lot of threats to keep him out of the dojo while I trained.

The ones of April and Casey were mainly of them together, and they looked so real. I remember him constantly asking if they were ever going to get married.

I liked the ones of our father the most. Master Splinter was drawn often in meditation mode, but Mikey also drew him with one of us, or just sipping his favorite tea. I smiled. I was really going to miss him.

The ones of us hurt me more than anything. He drew us the most, and almost always in these action poses. Many of them were when we were kids, and some of them were at our current age. I looked at one particular drawing of me and him.

I was holding one of my swords out in front of me and Mikey, sort of in a defensive stance, my other hand clutching him close to my plastron. My stance resembled the one I took whenever I went into battle now, but he drew us both at young ages, probably nine or ten. The world surrounded us, the dark world who never knew who we were, the world he loved but was scared of at that age. In the upper right hand corner, he wrote this:

_'For those who can't defend themselves, for those who never have a reason to see the darkness, for those who were too scared to react. Remember: There is always a light.'_

Even then...did he really see me as a protector? As the light in his dark world? I was so shocked at how much Mikey respected me.

Another one was of Donny when he was fourteen. He was drawn reclining in a chair that looked a lot like the one he had now. His computer light illuminated his face. The background was of his lab. He held a cup of coffee in his right hand. His goggles were on the top of his head. His left hand rested on the keyboard, not typing anything. His head was cocked at a slight angle. His dark brown eyes were looking at the viewer, his expression asking this: _'Who you calling a nerd?'_

I shook my head. Boy, Donny hated being called a nerd so much. Mikey could never help himself, and I tell you, it was funny seeing Donny just waiting for a good time to give him a noogie he'd never forget.

I found yet another drawing, this time of Raph. He was drawn on his bike riding through the dark streets of New York City. He wore a biker jacket, his name written on the back. His helmet was bright red, his exposed sais glittering in the moonlit scene. Even with the helmet on, you knew Raph was grinning like nothing could happen to him. The background was the New York City skyline, the moon full and bright. There was a little message as well, written on the bottom of the drawing.

_'It's because I want to be free. It's because I have something to gain, yet nothing to prove. It's because...it's me.'_

I nodded in agreement. Mikey understood more of Raph then I think any of us ever will. Somehow he managed to calm him down even on his worst days, and he got him to smile, something Raph never did unless he was beating some criminal's head in. Those two could heal each other without ever having to change for anyone, and I think that was why Mikey never really told me everything that bugged him.

I set down the drawings, looking around some more at the damage. Something caught my eye.

I walked over to his dishelved bed, moving his pillow over. There, half-hidden under his pillow and sheets was a hard-cover, plain orange notebook.

It didn't much of a deduction to figure out what it was. It was the fact that he had one at all.

I moved a few more things on his bed, and found another one. It looked exactly the same as the last one, except it was black, and looked a bit older than the orange one.

**_'Mikey kept not one, but _**_**two?**'_ I was thinking to myself in disbelief.

I was shocked because we used to tell each other every little secret. With three little brothers, it was actually hard to hide your feelings and thoughts since they know you so well.

Was this how Mikey forced himself to live? By writing all he thought, he felt, he _knew_, until he couldn't handle it anymore? _'Was that it, Mikey?'_

I went back to the infirmary, holding to the journals tight to my chest. I wanted to read them so bad, to know what was going on in his mind. And I was going to.

_'Sorry, Mikey. But I need to know.'_

The question was: Could I handle it?


	5. Chapter 5

**So this is the next chapter. Thanks for the reviews! I'm so happy! :)**

**I gave this chapter a quick edit. Um, enjoy, and please don't kill the older brothers! We still need them in the world!**

**Disclaimers: um...about those... yeah. No comment on that.**

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><p><strong>Together<strong>

**Chapter 5-Mikey**

I never thought much about how you would feel when you know you're about to die. Not until the night I left. It had seemed so...trival then. So unimportant to me back then...

But now, with this warmth all around, I don't know what I should feel. I didn't want to believe it, but...it was real. No pain, no sadness...just light. Warm light.

I could no longer trouble them. It was still hard to accept, but it was okay.

I did it. Soon, it would all go away. That's all I wanted.

Somewhere in the big field of light I floated in, I heard...something like crying.

Yeah, it was definitely crying. But why? And who? It wasn't me.

Then I heard a faint whisper.

_'I'm sorry.'_

Was that...no, it can't be. Was that Leo?

He was trying to reach me here, too? For what?

He started talking to me, and I guess he thought I was brain-dead. I know he knew I could hear him. He told me that he would die if I did, and if I allowed him to, he would protect me in the next life. Or something like that.

I didn't say anything. I have no idea why I should. I know he's going to lie to me again. He's going to hurt me, or worse. So why is he telling me these lies? Wait, why are they still here? Are they watching me die, or what? Better still, why is he apologizing?

I was still trying to fathom why Leo was there in Karai's cell earlier, trying to wake me, talking to me. I was sure I was far away from them, and Karai was helping me to die at last, to let this pain go. So what was he doing there?

Despite it, I wanted to open my eyes and talk to him, to all of them. I wanted to tell them I loved them, no matter what they thought of me. I wanted to say that when he first contacted me. But I...I wasn't sure if I could face them. I was scared. Even after all these years, I was still scared of them. I was hurt, more than anything. I was hurt, I was tired of trying to figure things out, why they hated me so much. I was tired of everything!

But at the same time, I didn't know what to think, what to feel. Should I feel hatred toward them for what they've done? Or maybe myself for causing our father to die because I wasn't careful with the way I act?

Do I want to feel hurt? Do I want to hate? I didn't know. I was so confused.

It's like... I've never felt like this. I'm so empty inside, yet I _want_ to feel something. I'm dying, aren't I? So shouldn't I feel afraid? My brothers aren't here, so shouldn't I be crying out for them or something like that?

Maybe it was because the...the abuse went on for so long, those emotions I once had to hold back couldn't run me anymore. I dealt with it. I took it all. I don't think I needed my brothers to see what I always knew, but never wanted to really embrace and take seriously.

All of it just felt like natural emotions, like happiness or anger. I cried enough, I think. About the only thing I wanted to feel now was peace.

I remembered my journals. Luckily for me, besides my MP3 player, those were the only other things that survived Raph's anger onslaught. I kinda hoped they found them, because I can't talk to them. Not anymore, I can't. I am so afraid. Afraid of what they'll do.

Listening to the soft crying I was hearing through the subconsciousness, I did realize I had to tell them something else.

They didn't have to cry. Not over me. I didn't want them to. They needed to know that.

I forced myself to open my eyes. Almost immediately, I felt dizzy, and my head was pounding. I also felt really drowsy, and I think Donny was pumping me full of meds again. But I can't go yet.

Not until I told them what I wanted to say.

Through the intense light, I made out my brother's form, sitting there, lost in his own world. I never saw Leo so...out of it like that. I wondered if he was trying to figure out how they wanted to get rid of my body.

That's when I felt pain all over me. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, though. But man, I was so sleepy now. I heard the beeping of the many monitors I knew Donny had hooked me up to, and I felt that mask thingy over my beak. It must be bad. I wasn't hooked up to this thing since I was little.

_"L-L-Leo...Leo..."_ I moaned weakly. He didn't answer.

_"Leo."_ I said, a little firmer. That time, he heard me.

When he looked at me, I saw I was right. He had been crying. Wait, so how long had I been out?

I noted he was holding something in his hand. It looked like he found them. My journals. So he found them...just like I thought he would.

"Mikey, are you alright?" I heard Leo ask me.

I couldn't move, like, at all. My body felt even weaker than when I was captured by Karai. It was painful to even blink, and I wanted some pain medication so much right then.

But it was Leo that really caused my heart to break. I hated seeing him cry for me. I'm the baby of the family; I always cry for them. At the same time, I was very confused about that. Why was he? I was going soon, so why is he crying?

"Mikey! Oh god, Mikey, I..."

I shook my head a bit, but that hurt like shell! My vision was starting to fog over, but I refused to go back to sleep. I...I have to tell them...

I remember Leo was holding my hand. It was a soft touch, and I knew I'd miss him always. I love all of them, but Leo...he was always the gentlest of them, even after what he did. I smiled a little, having just enough strength to grasp it.

I needed to hold onto something familiar...especially since I'll never see them again.

But it's for them. I don't care. I can't feel hurt anymore.

_"Leo...don't...don't cry...p-please..."_ I pleaded, my voice as tired as I was.

Leo was holding my hand as tight as he could. I looked at him, and I hated seeing that look in his eyes.

I've known Leo to shoulder our troubles on his own. He had so much guilt just...just there. I don't like when he feels like that. Leo, you don't know it...but I feel your pain, too. Me and Raph and Donny, we all suffer with you! We're brothers, so we feel everything you do, Leo.

Leo was still crying, and I smiled.

Even if I had no energy left, I still had a smile for them. It's just how I am.

I couldn't help but think, '_Oh, Leo... why are you crying?'_

You should be smiling, Leo...I'm leaving...

_"I-is everyone...alright?"_ I asked sleepily.

Leo nodded.

Then I can go at last. I was satisfied.

_"That's good."_

I then asked, _"Leo...w-why are...you crying?"_

"Mikey, I did this...I let you get so hurt. I didn't...I didn't protect you, Mikey." He sounded so far away, like an echo or something. I still heard him, and that's when I got really, really confused.

_"B-But I...I thought...you wanted me...to die..."_ I said slowly, trying to keep that drowsy feeling at bay.

Leo shook his head again. "Mikey, I don't! I never have, Mikey! None of us do!"

That didn't make sense to me. I knew he had to be lying, trying to trick me in order to lower my guard. They've attacked me before, so why stop?

I think either Leo saw what I was trying to get at, or I made some kind of face at that statement because he starting talking again.

"Mikey, I know we hurt you. I mean, _really_ hurt you. But...but you're still our brother, and we don't like seeing you like this."

I don't know, Leo. I don't know if I can trust that. I want to, but...you guys...

_"...Leo?"_

"Yeah, Mikey?"

I blinked back tears, trying my best not to cry. I wanted to stay strong, but...it hurt really bad. I felt the hot salty liquid course down my cheeks, and I felt a gentle touch from my brother's hands as he wiped my tears away, being careful of my breathing mask.

_"Leo...Leo, I-I'm sorry. I...I made you guys...hate me..."_ I managed to get out. My voice sounded scratchy, my throat dry. I swallowed thickly, and focused on him again.

I wanted him to know. He needed to hear it from me. So I can go to sleep without it weighting on my chest, on my mind, in my heart. The rest, he has in his hands. They can read it.

"Stop it, Mikey! You didn't do this, you hear me! You. Didn't. Do. This."

I shook my head again, and that was beyond the word painful. I bit down a scream and kept looking at Leo.

Leo, you don't have to lie. It's not gonna hurt me now, so just tell me the truth...I deserve at least that much.

_"No, Leo. I...I'm an idiot. But...if I go away...if I die...you guys...will be the perfect team...and I can't hurt anymore..." _I whispered.

"Mikey, stop that! You're not leaving us!" Leo cried out.

_"L-Leo...stop...stop lying to me...please..." _I weakly pleaded, closing my eyes for a minute before looking at him again_._

I watched his expression change for a brief moment.

"Mikey, I...I'm not...I can't lose you...I can't..." he was saying as he shook his head. I just looked at him.

I don't care anymore, Leo. I know the actual story. You don't have to lie.

_"L-Leo...it's alright. I'll be okay...and so will you guys..."_ I said, my energy spent. I felt my lungs burning a little from all the talking I forced myself to do, but it would all be worth it very, very soon.

Leo didn't say anything for a moment. Then, he whispered something I swore he would never remember.

"Mikey...We promised. We promised."

Our promise...Leo still remembered that?

I wondered why. I mean, I still remembered it. But after the first time Raph beat me as bad as he did, and Leo and Donny ignored me, it finally hit me...they lied. They broke it.

It hurt like hell the first time I convinced myself of that. I thought I was being overdramatic. And one day, I think I just woke up and told myself, _**'Mikey, they lied to you. They hate you because you caused your father to die, so why should they protect you?'**_

Over time, as it all went downhill from there, I found that I couldn't get mad at that anymore. I was a child, but I never forgot that pain from them lying to me like they did. At the end of it, it just rolled off me, like everything else that happened.

_"...it's over..."_ I breathed. I looked up at the ceiling. My eyesight was getting really fuzzy now.

I felt Leo's touch again. He was still wiping my tears away, and he was saying something, but all I really caught was 'baby brother'.

The baby. You know, I used to love being the baby in the family. I was always shielded by my brothers, I got away with many things, and I had someone to cling to at night when I got scared.

But not now. I'm still a baby brother, that will never change. At the same time, I made my own choice, Leo. Maybe you don't like it, but...it's for the best, and you know it.

_"I made...you guys...hate me. I..I'll make it...make it right, okay?"_ I muttered, beginning to lose touch with everything around me.

To be honest, I was just...I think I was drained. Drained of any emotion that I though I had left inside. I knew I reached my limit, and I was glad about that. While I still felt oddly empty, I couldn't fight this anymore. Emotionally, Physically, Mentally, everything was...I was at ease now. I felt like I could go knowing that I have no regrets about what happened. Which was true. I didn't have any.

This whole ordeal made me see just how strong I was. I could've killed myself years ago, and saved my body and my heart all this excess agony. I could've done the cowardly thing and left it at that.

But it was because I love my brothers too much that I kept going. I wasn't sure why they hate me, beside the fact that I caused our father to die. I did something else, or maybe it was just me they hated. Was that it? I might never know. I don't mind.

Now, it's just...I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't fight now. I had no energy left to scream, to cry, to do anything. I probably didn't want to.

Karai, you have no idea of what you've just done. I should thank you...but I'll just see you in the next life. Wherever you end up.

Leo's voice brought me back. I was looking at him through an ever-growing foggy view. He was still saying something, probably trying to talk me out of this. I could barely hear him.

No, Leo. I'm going to finish this.

Besides, he didn't deserve this. They didn't deserve this.

They didn't deserve having to deal with me or my screw-ups in life.

I messed up. I took the most important person in our lives because I was such a damn idiot. Now I will pay for it.

Everything they ever did to me...I know now...I deserved it. I did. And I found myself wishing they hadn't found me. I wished they had left me to rot in that cell, even though that can never bring back Master Splinter. They should've kept me at the house, should've used me to whatever suits them...but Death is best.

Looking at Leo, I gave him one more smile. God, I'm tired. I'm so tired, but I'm happy. I told him everything. It's all going to be okay now.

_"Leo...I love you."_ I breathed. I finally surrendered to the overwhelming pain.

I'm ready, Leo. It's okay, Big Bro. I accepted it. It's alright. I'll do you guys a favor...and finally go away.

I let my body shut down, and my mind floated away...back to that light...away from that pain, that guilt, that sadness.

They can finally live and do what they knew they can do, and I can't slow them down...can I?

I can't bring them harm. I can't cause any more of my family to die.

Right...Leo?


	6. Chapter 6

**Together**

**Chapter 6- Leo**

My mind froze, my body froze, my heart stopped. We had done it. We had finally done it.

If Mikey didn't want to fight before, he really didn't want to now.

He didn't want to hurt. He really believed that...that we'd be better off without him...our little brother?

He didn't want us to lie to him...to hurt him...and I don't blame him.

He had to protect himself, too. He had to do something, and I figured that this is what he meant.

We blamed him for a death that was never his fault. We attacked him until we got sick of him, and we wanted him to go away and die.

I guess this was what he felt whenever we said those lies. Hollow. Not sure what to say or do or think next. Unable to fight back, not sure who to trust.

Why wouldn't he quit? As much as we did...as much as we said, destroyed, hell, practically _neglected,_ why wouldn't he want to curl up and die?

I reached out to him, hesitant at first, and rested my hand on his face, looking at him, holding myself together.

We can never take back what we said or did. It will definitely haunt me the rest of my life.

Ever since we were first taught ninjustu, we were taught something more important: 'Never let your anger get the better of you. Always fight to protect your family, and never do them harm.'

Funny thing is, we did the exact opposite of that.

This was our innocence, the one who can make others smile just by doing so himself. The one who somehow kept us together, who made sure we were eating and not trying to overwork ourselves to death. The idiot that could get under everyone's skin, but was always there to listen, even if he didn't know why.

The one person you know you cannot live without, no matter how much you say otherwise.

He was ours...and we practically wished him dead.

We can't live without Mikey just because of that.

"Mikey, I'm so sorry. " I caressed his cheek for a moment, letting him know I was not leaving his side. I couldn't do that to him again.

I looked at the journals I held in my hand. I didn't want to intrude on his privicy, but I know Mikey. If he's not telling us what happened, he's holding it in. And these journals were probably his only method of escape.

I opened the black journal, scanning the book. It seemed so happy and light, just the kind of thing I expected from out free-spirited brother. He didn't really write any type of set entry, just mainly doodled and sketched and wrote random things. It was funny. I saw that Mikey always had a natural skill at art.

One entry stood out from the rest. It was towards the end of the journal. In that one, despite all the random drawings and whatnot, I was able to read what he thought.

He wrote about our family, how much he loved us, and how he wouldn't want things to change, even though he knew that it would. It seemed like he knew something would happen long before it did.

Really makes me wonder how much I truly understand my littlest brother. How would he know these kind of things? I really have to stop taking him so lightly.

Next, I opened the orange journal, setting the black one aside. I wanted to spend more time looking at that one later on.

Right away, I could feel the pain Mikey was holding in all this time. It actually made me shudder.

I flipped through the journal, not really reading anything-yet. Some of his entries, the long ones, anyway had no date. Others did. Many of them were tear-stained, but still legible.

I wondered, _**'Where would he have gotten it from? And how?'**_ I had no idea, but that didn't matter.

What did matter to me was that he didn't use it until this year. I didn't have to figure out why.

I had nothing left to lose, so I started to read the very first entry.

_'Mikey's Journal_

_I can't believe I'm using this journal for this. I never knew these kinds of feelings could overtake you like this. Guess there's a first time for everything._

_But to be honest... I don't know what else to do. I can't talk to anyone here, and if I don't get this off my chest soon, I'll kill myself._

_I cannot believe I just wrote that. I mean...ugh. I don't know. It's all gotten to be one of those moments, I think, where I have to stop and look at the big picture. I just wish I didn't._

_It was three years ago on this day that we lost our father. I still remember that night. He had died protecting us, like he always has. I hope he's resting in peace._

_A few days after that, I got cussed out by my brothers. And I was confused at first, because I didn't know why._

_It was kinda hard for everyone to accept Master Splinter's death, but I really had to let it sink in for a moment. I really can't explain why. I was there, so I should have been the first to understand and accept it. But I wasn't._ _It just...it went right over my mind._

_I had been there, but Master Splinter told me to run, warn my brothers, and stay put. He knew that I would have died that night because even though we've all been training in ninjutsu, I was the weakest of all my brothers. Harsh, but true._

_And that human-creature thingy that had somehow found our lair was HUGE! Not to mention he had a gun. I didn't think he'd need it, though._

_But at the time, I wanted to fight. I couldn't leave my father there, and I was about to dismiss his request and fight alongside him. True, I'm not that strong. But I had speed, so I had something of an advantage. But Master Splinter still refused to let me fight._

_That's when I heard bangs. Like gunshots. I blinked, and the very last thing I saw was my father falling to a heap on the ground right in front of me. Blood was pooling out of him, and that's when I knew._

_By the time the others heard the shots and got to where we were at, I had already knew we lost our father. He didn't cry out in pain or anything. He took nearly six shots for me. I knew he had to feel something. But he took them and...and...I just stood there. I had lowered my guard, I wasn't paying attention._

_Leo and Raph were trying to wake him, and Donny had already started crying. Me, I just stood there. I couldn't move or do anything, not even cry._

_It was barely sinking in. I lost my dad._

_When we got back to the lair, Leo snapped. He was angry, and started to scream at me. I didn't know why he was at first, until he began blaming me._

_To be honest, I really deserved that. Even then, I was still a complete idiot. I was there with my father. I had been so busy acting like a fool, I hadn't paid attention to my surroundings. I spent too much time arguing instead of fighting alongside him._

_Leo ranted on for a good while, saying some pretty hurtful things. I don't remember what he had said. Soon after, Raph came in. I knew he was clearly upset, but I tried to cheer him up anyway, attempting to ignore what Leo had just said to me._

_I was walking toward him, and before I knew it, he smacked me. Hard across the face. I actually staggered back from the impact, and I remember that look he had in his eyes._

_It was the scariest thing I'd ever seen in my older brother. For a moment, it seemed like he didn't even know me._

_I asked him why he did that, but he responded by giving me one heck of a punch to my nose. I felt the blood coming down to my lip, the tears coming down my face before I could stop it. Raph didn't say anything else. He turned and just walked away._

_Don was the last one to come in. When I showed him what had happened, he just...he pushed me away. He said that whatever happened between Raph and I is something we have to work out some other time. I told him he punched me, and asked if he could check my lip. He still refused, then told me to leave him alone. He pretty much ignored me for the rest of the night. They all did._

_I just...I didn't..I didn't know what else to do. I had lost my father, and I think I was losing them, too._

_So I decided to go to my room. I needed to think about what happened. The blood had dried on my lip; I didn't bother to clean it. I still remember how much my cheek still stung._

_And then, just like that, I got it. I don't know if it was the simple fact I was denying it, and to be honest, I think it was. I knew what was going on, but I just didn't want to believe it._

_I lost my dad right in front of my eyes. We don't know how to handle such a thing, so we let anger and guilt consume us instead._

_I began to cry. That night, I had cried so much I fell asleep. Barely, anyway._

_Now that I'm older, I understand it. I understand why Raph and Donny and Leo acted like they did._

_Back then, though, I was scared. I never got hit by my brothers like that-ever. All I thought was why. Why would they do that?_

_We ended up burying Master Splinter near this tree he used to take us to, in Central Park. I always liked it out there. It was really nice all year round, and I found it a little ironic that he died during the spring, when rebirth usually happens. I remember looking up at the moon that night, and just telling myself that Master Splinter deserves this more than any human out there. I hoped he was resting in peace._

_But while we worked, a really morbid thought crossed my mind._

_Master Splinter had died protecting us. I thought about my brothers, and I got really, REALLY scared. I kept thinking 'What if they died the same way Master Splinter did?' I don't know what I would do without them._

_But then I thought 'If I died like that...if I died protecting them with everything I had...would they care?' With the way they were acting, I began to doubt that._

_It was sad. I really began to think they would be glad to see me dead._

_By the time I could begin to actually 'heal', I saw that something had changed. We were still together and all, but that wasn't it. Everyone changed, that's all I knew. But that was three years ago. I was a teenager, but for some reason, I didn't quite get it all._

_And then, three years later, came the second loss. Not a life...but close to it._

_It seemed fine. Small amount of Foot, easy win. Most of them had pathetically useless weapons, so I thought we would be all good._

_But something happened. We began to get overwhelmed. The stronger ones began to come in. The numbers got bad, and we were knocked all over the place before we finally retreated._

_I knew we were going to lose, though. Once the number became too much, I could see we were all too worn out to fight on. But I couldn't abandon my family. And for some reason, I could not say run away. It felt so weak to do that, and knowing them, they would get mad for doing that, especially Raph. I wouldn't do that. So I waited until Leo saw what the situation looked like for us. He did at last, and we had no choice to to retreat._

_Once we got back home, Raph got really mad. And I mean, he was heated._

_I was in my room not really doing anything when Raph came in. I remember sitting up and asking him what was wrong. I know Raph. Whenever he needed to vent, he was either out topside or screaming himself raw._

_But not this time. That look in his eyes...it was back. And something told me this would end horribly._

_For some reason, he kept saying that it was my fault that we lost, calling me the same things he called me three years ago, but with a harsher sting. Despite all that he said, I stood up and tried to reason with him._

_When I tried to get my point across for the final time, I watched him take out one of his sais. I remember that I was completely frozen with fear. All I thought was 'He was going to fight me. He knows I can't win.'_

_He began walking up to me, and I backed away from him, begging him to put his sai away._

_Once he got me pinned against the wall, he pressed the sai's blade against my neck. It was cold, but that, I didn't care about._

_It was like he had no clue who I was. He kept the sai dangerously close to my neck, and I can't tell you how much fear I had running through me._

_He said that the next time I did something like that, he was really going to kill me. And I knew he meant it._

_I was shaking. He...he wanted to kill me that day._

_Leo and Don then came in, and I thought that they were going to calm him down, or at least get him to put his sai away. But they did the same thing, yelling about my mistakes, or at least, Leo did, blaming me for all sorts of things._

_I got blamed for not paying close attention, for making them having to save my shell when they could have been beating Foot, and all this other stuff. Leo wished I hadn't been born. That at least the family would stop being endangered by my stupidity._

_This was one of those nights where I really should've just left and never came back. If I made Leo that made to say something like that, and Raph so angry he had to threaten me with his sai...then what was the point?_

_The only one who said nothing was Donny. He gave me the most annoyed, almost pitied look and sided with them._

_Any other time, I could brush it off and go on with my life, and that was exactly what I wanted to do. But it was the fact they thought I would actually let my father die that got to me. Why would I allow such a thing?_

_I wanted them to stop so much. I really did. It seemed like it was a nightmare I couldn't wake up from, and I slid down to the floor, begging them to stop hurting me._

_I realized it didn't matter. Nothing I did mattered. And when they finally left, Raph slamming my door so hard, it nearly broke, I...I don't really know what I did. They kept talking about me down the hall, making sure I was to hear them. _

_I paid that no mind. I just cried. _

_I sat there and I cried until I fell asleep, and even then, I was so scared._

_I will always remember that._

_And that was only the beginning. I know it.'_

My mouth fell open. I remember that day.

We _had_ came yelling into his room that night...Raph _was_ brandishing his sai all about, but I said nothing...we yelled at him for nothing.

And that was why he didn't know.

He didn't do this. He never had. And we lied to him, made him believe such a thing.

My heart felt heavy again as I turned the pages, reading some shorter entries, even a poem or two. Harsh, depressing, confused, upset. That was all these entries gave off.

Finding another longer entry triggered another incident I acted like I cared nothing about. Why did he have to recall this?

_'Mikey's Journal_

_It's been a few weeks. Everything seems to be going downhill for everyone, but for me...I don't know what it is. It's just...another day._

_Yesterday, I wanted to try and make them laugh again. I know the death is still a little fresh, despite three years going by, but I don't like seeing my brothers so upset. Well, they've been avoiding me anyway. But still...I tried to cheer everyone up._

_So I went and messed with Raph's bike, like I used to. I...I thought that things would go back to the way it was...I thought that they would laugh, and then I'd get an earful from Leo about it later..._

_But that was a huge mistake, and I almost died because of it._

_Once Raph saw what I had done, and it didn't take long, he and Leo chased me into the sewer tunnels. It wasn't until I turned back to see how close they were that I saw a kunai just barely graze my face. And I started running faster._

_It was right then when I realized that nothing was going back to normal. And there was a good chance that I wasn't going to make it._

_Raph and Leo were gaining on me, so I ducked in a small area that I was used to hide in as a child. I was kinda shocked that I still fit there._

_For a few minutes, they were calling me, Raph saying things I kinda blocked out. I really didn't want to come out then, and I kinda knew I'd get into trouble if I went back. After that, it went quiet. I thought that they gave up and went back to the lair._

_So I crawled out. And right after that, a sharp kick sent me flying down a few feet. And when I looked up, he and Leo were glaring at me._

_His fists came raining down on me, and I was trying to defend myself, trying to get through to him again. I don't really know what he said outside of the usual._

_**'Fuck you, you little bastard. I'ma make you wish you were never fuckin' born!'** And things to that nature._

_I saw Leo standing there, and I was begging him to get Raph off me. I was scared Raph was going to kill me. But when I looked up at him face, what I saw just...it knocked something into me._

_Leo...I never saw Leo look so...stoic. He was glaring at me like I was another Foot or something. Just a piece of trash that needs to be dealt with. It was...emotionless for a moment. Then he...he actually...he smirked at me as Raph kept punching me._

_I lost him, too. That was all I knew. I lost him, and yet...I hadn't felt any hatred toward him- or Raph at that point. As much as they had punched the living shell out of me or ignored me for the last few weeks, I thought that I should hate them, that I should wish the unthinkable upon them._

_But I could not hate them._

_Raph had punched me all over my face and my arms and chest and side, and I was gasping for air, the blood running down my chin. I remember him laughing as he left, and I tried to stand. I had no strength to move. That's when Leo came up to me._

_I couldn't look at him in the face. It wasn't the Leo I knew, and seriously, I was damn near petrified. If Raph could do this to me, I wasn't too sure I wanted to know what he could do._

_I coughed, and when I saw it was blood that landed on my hand, I tried to get away from him. I was badly hurt, and my legs were barely able to keep me upright. I knew I was vulnerable because I was so weak, but I tried to run from him. Didn't work too well, either._

_Leo tackled me from behind, and I hit that cold-behind concrete floor so hard, it literally knocked the air out of me. I remember that everything was starting to spin, but I tried to focus._

_Leo had me pinned, sitting on my chest. I tried to get him off me, but my arms were badly bruised, and I couldn't breathe. So I pleaded...I pleaded with him to get off me._

_And that's when he forced me to look at him. He was still smirking, and I remember I asked him why he was doing this. Why they kept trying to hurt me so badly. It was right at that moment that I got it. It really sunk in that they still blamed me for Father's death. That had to be it._

_He did finally got off my chest, and I felt the air finally filling my lungs properly. I thought that would be the end of it, that he would walk away like Raph did._

_And then...Leo gave me such a sharp kick that I curled into a tight ball. He kicked me twice, and then he bent down to face me. And what I figured was right._

_He kept telling me it was my fault that our father died. That I'm a failure, and that I should've been dead instead of him. I disgraced this family, and one way or another, I would be made to suffer. And a lot of other things. _

_I was in so much shock, I hadn't realized that the tears were pouring down my face. Leo gave me this...almost disgusted look, and then he kicked me in my right side for the forth time. I had had it._

_I coughed up even more blood, and I looked up at Leo and I told him I was sorry. He still never said anything to me._

_I begged him not to kill me, and I just told him that I was sorry for everything, that I would never want our father to die. He still never said anything, just walked around me, circling me like I was his prey._

_And then...he bent down to me again, and told me that as of now, I was no longer a brother to him. I wasn't supposed to talk to him, or even call him by his name. He was going to make sure that our father got some kind of justice for his death._

_I don't know what I felt or did at that point. Nothing, most likely. He said for me to get home and get Donny to look me over, and turned and left._

_I curled up tighter than before. I didn't want to return there. Not if this was what I had to fight. I wanted to die then. I really did._

_When I forced myself to stop crying, I fought back enough pain to drag myself home. All of them ignored me, so I was allowed to make it to my room in peace. I refused to have Donny get anywhere near me after this. _

_Sometime after I was safely in my room, I closed my room door and slid down my door, worn-out and exhausted from all this. And I cried. I just sobbed. I couldn't stop. My head was pounding, my body hurt everywhere from Leo and Raph's assault...all I felt was straight pain... _

_About two minutes later, I passed out. I just let the darkness take me. Thank God._

_I just wanted to make them laugh. I almost got killed for it. And I think I know why they blame me for our father's death. Because I can never do anything. I just get in their way, in his way. I slow them down._

_I wished Raph had killed me today. I know he could have, and I wished he had. I'm really surprised I can say that and not want to put a gun to my head, but..._

_Maybe because it was my family, regardless of what Leo said, but...if they had killed me tonight...it would've been so much easier._

_I wonder if suicide is a coward way out. I think it is, but at this point, I don't know what to do. I don't.'_

I closed the journal, unable to read anymore. I stood up, and Raph entered the room as I was leaving. I guess he noticed my tense self, but I don't care.

What the living hell is wrong with me? No, something is really wrong with me! What kind of evil did I allow to invade me to say and do such things?

"Leo? Hey, you okay?"

I turned away from Raph, stopping once to look at Mikey before walking toward the door.

"Hey, Leo, where ya-"

"Raph, keep an eye on Mikey. I need some fresh air." I told him simply, leaving before he could ask me anything else. I took the journal with me.

Leaving the lair, I wandered down that very tunnel where me and Raph nearly killed him. I still remember this place, and it's weird because I hadn't been down here since that incident. I want to burn this place away from my memory.

At some point, I stopped walking and pressed my shell to the brick wall, my gaze to the water as it rushed by me. I slid down to the cold ground below, and pulled my legs up to my chest, still fixated on the water.

For awhile, I just sat there, trying to figure out what to do once Mikey woke up. Trying to figure out if he would talk to us ever again.

Trying to figure out...if he could trust us again.

That thought made those tears trail down my cheeks. I didn't wipe them away.

I didn't care if Mikey would hate me for the rest of his life, if he could never speak to me or the others. That didn't mean I wouldn't stop trying to make this right.

But his entries...those had to be have been hard for him to write. Knowing that he could go back and write everything that his own brothers did, remembering details that I wished he could forget, and then stay and endure more without even fighting back made me want to vomit.

I rested my head against the cold wall, looking up at the ceiling and listening to the water as it continued to rush past. I stayed in that position for so long, I lost track of time. I don't care. I need to be by myself right now.

I'm responsible for the safety and well-being of my little brothers. I was since the day our father made me leader, since he literally placed their lives in my hands. I had to make sure that they came home in one piece, even if I got to be so paranoid, I had to drag them home myself. I had to make sure that each time we went into battle, I brought them back alive.

So what changed? What really made me and Raph and Donny turn on Mikey?

What had Mikey done?

A simple answer: tried to keep us afloat. Tried to keep out spirits high, our hopes up as we got through this hard point in our lives.

So why? Dammit, why the hell did I try to break him?

I was probably going to wish I hadn't done this right now, but I opened the journal from the last page I read. There was another longer entry...another memory he had to recall.

_'Mikey's Journal_

_I was alone tonight. The others went on the nightly run._

_It's becoming more and more normal now. Not being around them, not having them to talk to. I can't remember the last time I went out with them and actually had fun doing so._

_I was reading my old journal, and I could not believe that we used to be so happy and all smiles. Because we were younger, still had each other to lean on then._

_Now...I'm just waiting. It's going to end for me one day, but I can't do it. I cannot end my life, so I'll just wait for one of them to kill me. Sad for me to say that, but...that's what it's become._

_I think Leo must've told them about what happened that day. I'm no longer a brother to them, either. If they're not looking at me with disgust, they're either ignoring me or yelling at me about training or something else...or just plain hurting me._

_I'm alone. I'm all alone in this world._

_It scares the living daylights outta me, but I have no family. Even though they have told me time and again, I know now. God, I wish it didn't have to hurt so much! But it is my family I'm talking about._

_These days, it feels like I'm more of a hollow zombie. I walk around, and I make sure to get things done right the first time. I barely eat, and I cry. A lot._

_I'm never this depressed, but...I can't say that I have something to be happy for now._

_I had one shell of a nightmare last night. About my brothers. It's the same thing every night...I'm running away from them, trying to beg them to let me live, not to take my heart. I can't even dream happy anymore._

_It's the same thing with the same result...they catch me, and stab me, one at a time...slowly ripping my heart out of my chest...laughing as I cry out to them, begging them to stop this._

_Something else happened last night, too._

_I heard some soft talking downstairs, after I attempted to quiet myself down so they wouldn't know I was awake. Not like they would care._

_They must've came back, I assumed from their run, and I was listening to them all. Raph seemed excited about the action he must have had. Leo and Donny were talking about that, too, and I guess he and Raph finally reached an agreement on something. Donny was laughing and randomly commenting on things._

_They hadn't sound like that in a long time, and for some reason, despite that freaky nightmare I had...I smiled. I think it was because they were relaxing and enjoying themselves, sounding happy and carefree. I don't really get to hear Leo or Raph laugh anymore, so hearing that alone made me feel at ease._

_I still remember when we first learned how bad Donny and Leo's jokes were. We had just turned eleven, and they were trying to get Master Splinter to make sense of this really long and confusing joke they came up with. It had something to do with science and a katana sword, I think, and how they're related. It was a really crappy joke because it had nothing to do with nothing._

_I was laughing at our father's face because he had no clue what any of them were saying, and it made no sense. Raph was snickering and making ignorant comments, so he was punished by doing one hundred sit-ups. He hates doing those. I was laughing so hard, and so were Leo and Donny. We soon forgot about that joke, and to this day, I still have no idea what it was about._

_At that point, I realized that even if I had wanted to kill myself, I had something to remind me of how much I loved them. Well, that and my journal, but...actually hearing those two laughing, and Donny actually telling jokes...I think made this all worth it._

_I wanted to go down there and say something, but decided against it. They were in a good mood, so I just laid back on my bed, still listening to them laughing and talking down there. I loved it. They were so happy...so very happy that night...I wanted to always remember that._

_And I looked up at the ceiling, and I told myself that when I did go from this world, I want to be able to get strong enough to protect that, at the least._

_Protect their happiness. That's all I know I'll need to feel at peace._

_Eventually, I dozed off. The nightmare was pushed back in the far corners of my mind._

_It was weird because I can never go back to sleep after I had a nightmare, especially one that bad. But I did. I slept like nothing was wrong. I didn't really know why, but it didn't matter._

_I guess...I knew at that point I had no reason to deny anything anymore, and I decided to stop fighting against the truth. I don't have a reason to._

_I don't blame them. I never have. I was confused, I didn't want to accept, but now...I can take it. _

_I have nothing left to lose now. So I don't have a reason to fight._

_That night, they were actually truly happy, and that made me happy, too._

_And until that day comes, when all this pain can finally go away...I won't fight. Not ever again._

_I still love them too much.'_

I knew he gave up the way he wrote this entry. He hadn't shed a single tear on this one.

It was his way of saying it was over for him. That he was going to do whatever it took to get our forgiveness and our trust back.

And his nightmare...oh god...was he truly crying like that? He was all alone...all alone.

Why did he still have love for us?


	7. Chapter 7

**Together**

**Chapter 7- Leo**

When I came back from my little wandering, I checked on Mikey, grabbing the other journal I left in there. I still had yet to finish reading his orange one.

This had to be the first time I ever Mikey so quiet and content sleeping on his own. As a child he had to cling onto one of us, and these past few months...I don't know if he ever slept or if he took sleeping pills to help him. But now...now he's peacefully asleep.

He was lying on his shell, which I knew was going to be killing him when he was awoke at last. His chest rose and fell evenly, his head cocked at an angle that really showed his innocent features. Sometime after we had gotten him back, I decided to remove his mask. It was covered in blood, and sitting next to my meditation candles in my room.

"What are you really dreaming about, Mikey?" I whispered, a small smile forming before I could stop it. Donny had to pump him full of sedatives, so that would explain why he wasn't having any nightmares.

I left the infirmary, still a little lost in my own world, when Raph stopped me.

Damn. Knew this was coming.

"Leo, what happened?"

I shrugged. "Needed some fresh air."

Raph arched his eye ridge and looked me dead in the eyes. He could tell when I wasn't telling the whole truth, and I can't lie to you-I'm horrible at keeping to myself, particularly when it comes to Raph.

"Leo, what happened? Was it..." he trailed off, nodding towards the infirmary.

I sighed. Figured now as good as time as ever to tell him.

I led Raph to my room, and he got very confused. "What the hell, Leo?" he asked me, stumped.

I gave him the orange journal, bookmarking the page I was reading before handing it off. He needed to know what I learned.

"Raph, you need to read this. And I mean, _read_ it." I told him sternly. I know Raph hates anything that has to do with academics...good thing we leave that to Donny, or we'd be in trouble.

"Wait, what the shell is this?" he asked me, carefully eying the front of the cover. He sat down on my bed, and at that moment, Donny walked in. He must've thought we were about to go at it again.

"Leo? Raph? What's going on?" he asked uneasily.

"It's Mikey's journal. Just...just read it, okay? The both of you." I told them, too tired to argue. I headed back to the infirmary.

I sat down on the chair next to Mikey, holding the journal close to me. I didn't really want to read it right now. No...rather, I couldn't. The two journals held two different stories, and it really unnerved me just how bad it all got to be.

I had read a little more than half of his journal, and it was getting more and more hard for me not to cry every night. Most of his entries were about us, particularly me and Raph and how we treated him. Besides the entries I read, there were poems describing his nightmares, little thoughts about April and Casey and other entries.

To be honest, I don't know why I even ask why. There's no answer to that. There might never be one.

A few minutes later, I headed back for my room. Raph was still sitting on my bed, and he looked like the world went sideways. I sat down next to him, wondering where Donny went off to. Next to him was the journal. He hadn't even read a third of the journal before he stopped.

"Leo, Donny is in Mikey's room." That came before I had even asked.

"Oh, okay."

"Leo,we were this bad? We hurt him _that_ bad, Leo?" he asked in disbelief.

"Raph, we were. We let this go on for so long...I was actually surprised that he hadn't killed himself yet. He certainly thought about it."

Raph shook his head, handing me Mikey's journal.

"Leo, he's going to be okay, right? He has to be!"

I shook my head. "Raph, Mikey really thinks we hold him responsible for what happened that day, what happened after that...everything. We lied to him, and now, he believes it more than anything. He wants to stop now, and I guess...death is the only way for him to do so."

Raph didn't understand. "Leo, he's our brother, dammit!"

"I know, but when was the last time we acted like that?" I said quietly. Raph sighed.

"I know, but...ah, _FUCK!_" He got up and started to pace about my room. It became something that he did regularly. Pace or go topside.

"Dammit, Leo! We really did it now. What the hell do we do?"

I looked at him, then the wall behind him. "We have to be there. Give him time, and see what he decides to tell us, and what he won't. After that...I don't really know."

We didn't say anything for a while. Raph got up, and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was about to go topside.

"Raph."

He turned to look at me.

"We're going to get him back. We have to, so he can see the truth."

"Right."

I smirked. "And besides, I know as well as you do you're going to beat some poor hapless punk into a bloody pulp. Might as well, right?"

I hate it when he does go topside, but right now...he needs to. I hope crime decides to slow down tonight, or I will feel truly sad for those punks and random criminals. Well, not that sad.

I stood up, and just as I did, Raph gave me another rare hug. I could really get used to this.

"Thanks, Leo." he muttered in my ear. I smiled.

"No problem." I said, releasing him.

He gave me a playful punch in my arm. "Don't get too used to that, Fearless."

Raph...right now, that is the last thing I deserved to be called. I smiled and rolled my eyes nonetheless.

He smirked, then headed out of my room. A few seconds later, I heard the garage door opening as he went to get his bike, and took that as a cue to go find Donny. I left my room, leaving the journal there so I can get it later.

I felt a little better after talking to Raph. Still wish he wouldn't call me Fearless, but...at least something normal is coming back. It's small, but it's something.

Pushing that out of my mind for the moment, I had to talk to Donny more than anything. He's as sensitive as Mikey is emotional, so whatever Donny read would pretty much kill him.

_'Raph said he was in Mikey's room? Now why would he be there?'_ I thought as I headed to see him.

Not like it's a problem, but none of us really had that kind of strength to just waltz in there and not see all that damage. Raph went in there once, and he bolted out of there so fast, I nearly fell on my shell when he ran past me.

After I went in and found his drawings and his journals, I spent almost all my time in the infirmary. Mainly because I wanted to be with Mikey.

I walked into the room, forgetting what it looked like after Raph got through with it, and saw that everything was still the way I had left it last. God, I really hate seeing that.

I quickly turned my attention to the curled up turtle on the bed, and as I neared him, I could see he was trembling slightly.

"Donny?"

He was tossing a bit and mumbling things I could not understand. For some reason, I felt he was dreaming. He had to have been. Must've been hard to read, those entries.

"Don? Donny, wake up. Wake up." I said softly, shaking his shoulder. He jerked up, covered in sweat.

"Donny, you okay?" I asked, concerned. In response, Donny's arms latched around my waist, his face in my plastron.

"Leo, it hurts...it hurts..." he kept whimpering. I rubbed his shell, and I wondered what he was talking about.

"Donny, what happened?"

"Leo, I read the journal. I didn't...I didn't mean that...I didn't..."

"Don, don't." I said. He let loose more sobs, growing more and more uncontrollable. Not again...Donny...

I forgot those two hung out more often than not. Even if Mikey was banned for a month from that lab, Donny and Mikey would be up at all hours of the night, talking and attempting to beat Mikey's video games. Donny was able to draw out feelings that me and Raph seem to force him to hide most of the time. Two of a kind, I say.

His head resting on my shoulder, I listened to him breathing, and I remembered how often I'd hold Mikey just like this.

When we were smaller, Mikey and those nightmares would cause him-and sometimes us- grief. Sometimes, if he really could not sleep, I would let him rest his head on my shoulder or allow him to curl up under me. He held on so tight...and he just cried.

It was sad because of how often he would shudder and choke up on his words. It would literally take him a hour just to tell me what had him so upset. And I told him that I wouldn't leave him alone. He hated to be left by himself, despite the fact we all shared a bed then.

I held him, and he just seemed so relieved. And I told him that I would stay with him as long as he wanted.

It was like that with all of them. Raph hated to act on his emotions, and Donny couldn't stand making us worry. But Mikey...even though he was so fragile, so damn fragile, despite what any of us said or thought...he was stronger than any of us can hope to be.

"Donny, I don't think we'll ever understand. This...this is something that none of us can ever hope to understand. All we do for now...is hope Mikey can forgive us for it all."

"Leo, I want him back. I...I want to apologize...have to..." he muttered. His arm snaked around my neck.

"I know. I do, too. And we will."

You know, up until this point, I never knew just how much Mikey affects us all in life. With all the things that happen all around us, it amazed me how he was the only one to make us look more toward the goodness of things than the darkest of things that we always tended to look at.

We forced our little innocence to grow up too fast. We abuse him, make him feel less than what he was...and finally pushed him to his limit.

But not this time. Not ever again.

A feeling of determination began to surge through my veins. I refused to lose this war. I refused to admit defeat when I had to tell him everything he never knew.

Donny had fallen asleep, still whimpering a bit, but okay. His vice-like grip about my waist pretty much made it clear that I wasn't moving tonight. No matter. I was getting tired, anyway.

Looking around my baby brother's room, I made a promise to myself.

No matter what, I would bring Mikey back. I had to get our innocence back.


	8. Chapter 8

**Together**

**Chapter 8-Leo**

Days turned into weeks. For the most part, Mikey was healing quickly. Donny wanted to get him crutches so he could walk around for himself.

He was waking up more often. He could sit up, but he couldn't move around until Donny and April got him the crutches he needed.

I also knew he could speak, but he never did. Not to us, anyway. He just...God. I really don't know what to tell him at times. I don't think any of us do.

I was keeping watch over Mikey tonight. He'd just fallen asleep over an hour and a half ago after Donny gave him some pain medication for a headache he said he had. I don't think he actually had a headache, but I wasn't about to stop him. He needs his time, and I still need to finish his journal.

As for the others, I assumed they were doing what they always did. I already knew Raph was snoring his shell off in his room. He'd seen Mikey up the night before, and it gave him some sense of relief. I think Donny was in his lab doing something or other. I could hear him cussing up a storm over a tiny explosion, and I suppressed a giggle.

About twelve that night, I heard April talking to Donny, and I guess she was here to re-stock the fridge. I barely noticed, as I was still engrossed in one of Mikey's entries, the newest one being a short poem with a message.

__'Mikey's Journal__

__**I was a child when my father died, and I was a child when I cried.**__

__**Not really seeing what was going on, not trying to see what was gone.**__

__**Refusing to talk, refusing to fight, wanting so much to get away from the light.**__

__**Burning inside, crying out, trying to shake loose all those doubts.**__

__**Unable to deny who I was; knowing what I have to do, before I leave this reality, I want to say that I love you.**__

__I keep re-reading this, and I cannot understand why I just wrote it. I...I can't figure it out. But sometimes, poems seem a lot better than recalling things.'__

I got it almost instantly. This was as close to a revelation as I had read.

It wasn't until a tiny hand rested on my shoulder that I was startled, and I looked up to see who it was.

"Leo, it's me, April!" she said, trying to reassure me.

I sighed in relief. "Hey, April."

"I bought some more food and supplies, okay?" she said. I know she knows we forget about those things a lot. She does so much for us, and I am grateful for her.

I thanked her. She nodded, looking sadly at Mikey before taking another chair and sitting next to me.

"Is Mikey okay?" she asked.

"Yeah. He took some medication. Should be up soon." I said, my attention still on the journal.

"What is that, a book?"

"Well, yeah. Sort of like that. It's...Mikey's journal."

"He-he kept one?" she asked, that look of shock on her face.

I chuckled at her face. "Yeah. Funny how I should've known these things about him, and it's like...I'm just learning who he is. It's so...I can't describe it...odd, not really knowing someone you spent sixteen years of your life with."

April nodded. "There are some secrets that won't always be out there. Maybe this is just one of those kinds. Mikey might not have wanted you to know."

I shook my head. That wasn't true.

"No, April. It's not that he didn't _want_ us to know. It's more like he _couldn't_ let us know. His first entry, he wrote that he couldn't talk to us anymore, and I know why that is. He wanted to tell us his biggest secret, but with they way we acted, it was no wonder..."

"Leo..."

She looked at Mikey again, and I lifted my gaze from his journal to do the same.

Mikey mumbled something under his breath, then went still. I looked at April.

She seemed lost, knowing what happened to him, but not really grasping it.

"You better get going. We'll talk later." I said, standing. April followed suit.

"Okay. Leo, I'm so sorry." she said, suddenly unable to hold her emotions back.

I gave her a much-needed hug. She was pretty much sobbing now, her cries muffled by my chest.

When she pulled from me, it had finally become evident to me how little sleep she had gotten. I told her to go home and rest, not stress so much.

"Y-you'll call when he wakes up, right?" she asked, wiping her eyes.

"Yeah."

April gave me a small smile. I guess she was hurt more than I could see.

She gave Mikey a kiss on the forehead and then left. I sighed, turning my attention back to the journal.

__'Mikey's Journal__

__I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do, what to say, nothing. Nothing matters anymore.__

__Raph and Don got real upset with me yesterday night for doing something wrong during a night run, one of the few I was allowed to go on. I was actually surprised that I was allowed to go anywhere with them at all..__

__But...yeah. I think Raph was giving me some order, and I did something, I don't even know what. He and Don were pissed.__

__Naturally, I was punished. At least Leo wasn't there. If he was...I don't think I would want to wake up the next day. I probably wouldn't.__

__So I got my punishment. The usual. I mean, nothing he does now isn't something I haven't been through already. It doesn't make the pain any less bearable, though. It never does.__

__Naturally, he sent me to Donny right afterward. It really kills me to say this, but...I can't stand to be around him anymore.__

__Why? I learned a few things while being there.__

__Get in, stay quiet, don't move, and I won't get hurt.__

__It had become recent, like two weeks ago, when I guess this became a rule or something. Donny most like got tired of having to fix me or whatever, but all those things he used HURT! The first few times, I think I was in too much pain to really notice it, but lately, it bugs the shell out of me.__

__Anytime I have to go in there, I would cause a scene. I yelled, I squirmed, and I literally fought when he came near me with needles. I don't care how bad Raph hit me- they will NOT come near me with those death things!__

__So one day, when I adamantly refused to sit still for the umpteenth time he told me to, he snapped. I mean, more than usual.__

__He actually punched me, right in the arm, really hard! And for a moment, I had to be sure that it was Donny I was dealing with. Even after Leo and Raph beat me, Donny never went past an insult or two. Most of the time, he was just glaring at me or giving me a pity look before going about his business.__

__And I looked at him. It was all I could do. The pain from my arm was there, but I didn't really feel it.__

__If anything, I felt the look he was giving me. It was so piercing. Not like I hadn't gotten used to seeing that, either, but I really noted it that night. So emotionless...that was it.__

__He hissed at me to shut the hell up so he could hurry up because he had other important things he had to do. And when I tried to pull away again...he hit me even harder than before.__

__And I knew this was pointless, but I wondered-for just a stint- if he felt guilty. He would never hurt anyone, not even in a comeback.__

__After that, for the entire duration that I was there, I just shut up. Everything hurt, but I kept my mind off it and thought about other things. I had to if I was going to stay awake and not completely pass out.__

__He never looked at me in the eye. We hardly speak to each other anymore, and it's so weird because he was the main one I spent my time with, even if I drove him nuts and blew something up in his lab. __

__Then again...most of the time, Leo was either training or meditating, and Raph was either gone with Casey or beating up that training bag. Other times, they would be arguing, so I would be ducking in Donny's room until morning.__

__The thing I really miss the most is my ability to tell him things I can never tell the others. It's kinda like Raph and Leo...Donny knows what I think most of the time, even more than I do. It just feels so weird not talking to him.__

__Never in my life had I ever heard of Donny resorting to violence to do anything. He rarely gets this angry, so I knew. If Donny had to get this mad that he was forced to physically lay hands on another, then it has to be me that got him to feel that way.__

__And that's why I stopped trying to understand why they were doing this to me. I think the truth was kinda in my face for the longest time.__

__It used to feel like I was looking in a never-ending nightmare, watching it repeat until the day comes where I could close my eyes and push it all away. Not anymore.__

__It's sort of become my life. Sad to say, but it's true. Everything changed, and it's all my fault. But should I be surprised? I knew. I always knew.__

__I'm a huge mistake. They hate me because it's me. It's because of who I am, how I act and how weak I am that they hate.__

__And it makes sense because they three of them are so much stronger, but...I'm not like that. I can never be they way they want me to be.__

__I like to enjoy this life before worrying about things like Death. I like to live in the moment, and worry later, if at all. That's how I am.__

__But that changed, too. Now all I want to do is go somewhere and die. I hate that feeling more than anything, but I...I don't care. Not anymore.__

__I can't hate them, anyway. And even if I could, just what can I be mad at them for? They're hurt, too. We lost our father, and everything went to shell from there. I'm the reason they're hurting in the first place. So what I can be mad at them for? For what? For suffering? For being angry? What?__

__Raph had always told me that if I were dead, then things would be a lot better. Any other day that I wasn't getting hit, he always told me that. We wouldn't have to be dealing with the things we were forced to deal with, and no one would want to put up with someone like me.__

__I knew he was right. I never cried anytime he told me that because he's right. Well, maybe after the first month. He was right, Leo was right, Donny was right.__

__They were always right. I wonder why I never noticed that until tonight.__

__So why don't I go away? I can erase myself from this painful existence, and stop destroying my brother's lives.__

__I want to see everyone happy and enjoying life. I like it when they're happy. At the same time, I want to be able to watch over my brothers.__

__I know after everything they did to me, I should want them dead. I should hate them, I should! But...I love them too much. I still do, and I always will.__

__I want to make sure that they're not hurting anymore, either. That they moved on and live the way Master Splinter would want them to.__

__To be truthful, I sometimes wonder what it would feel like when I die. I wonder about that a lot. It's just something I can't stop thinking about.__

__Every other night that I wasn't having nightmares, I'd often think about the kind of place I'd go once I finished this. I wonder where I would end up. If I would feel that eternal peace, that sense of freedom.__

__I keep telling myself that I can let go any day now. I can let go everything that's been hurting me for the longest time, but...I kinda don't want to. I don't want to leave them here, but at the same time...I know better. __

__I know that I'll always be hated for being alive...for even existing in this time.__

__I wonder whether Master Splinter felt those shots when it happened. I know they hurt. It was like I could feel them, and some nights I do. I try not to think about it, but it keeps coming back and...it's a lot. It's too much.__

__He took every last one, and the sounds of that gun...the entire fact that he jumped in front of me, leaving me standing there...it always haunts me. And the thing is, I could've done something! I don't know why I didn't! But..I killed him.__

__I wished he hadn't done what he did. I always have. But he would've anyway. He doesn't want to lose any of his sons. He would've fought tooth and nail for us. And we would've done the same for him. While I understand that, we don't want to lose our only father, either.__

__So I finally made up my mind. At this point, I don't care if they decide to find me after this. I don't care about anything at all. I don't care.__

__I know what I want to do. In time, they'll forget about me, and I think they can finally heal. They can stop hurting so much. And in my odd and weird way, so can I.__

__I like to think of things like that. As much pain and suffering as they have put me through, I like to think about them. I like to think about them, and how I missed hearing the laughing and smiling and just enjoying themselves. __

__To be honest...I really don't care if I ever smile again. Just hearing them, I guess it's all worth it. I end up smiling with them.__

__They don't understand...it's going to be over real soon.'__

I shuddered. He really meant to go through with it. The night I actually noticed he was gone, I could've done something. I could've saved him. But I hadn't cared. And that made it worse.

On the next page, there was a weird poem that I couldn't make sense of.

__'Mikey's Journal__

__Wonder when it's time. It sounds so close...__

__That pitter-patter, what is it? Why can't I place it?__

__Have I not heard it? Do I not see it?__

__I don't understand. It's so close, so I should feel it...but I don't.__

__Warm. Close. Knowing. There. That's all I know now.__

__I walk closer, touching, feeling the softness, trying to see past the sadness.__

__And a lone drifter comes near me, falls gently into my large hands, so easily broken.__

__A feather.__

__Is this who I am? Is that me?__

__Am I that fragile? Am I really worth this much?__

__A feather. And then a flurry of feathers.__

__Soft. Surrounding. Protective. Strong.__

__Is this it? Is it over?__

__I don't know.__

__But one thing is certain...__

__I found it. I have found my euphoria.__

__And I can finally rest at last.'__

I literally looked at my sleeping brother, puzzled. I didn't understand what he was thinking as he wrote this, other than Death.

Was this what he thought would happen when he died? He seemed so sure about it; he hadn't shed a tear on this one.

I still had about two more pages of poems, so I turned to the last full-length entry he wrote. I quickly figured out that this was written before he left. He was crying the most on this one.

__'Mikey's Journal__

__Final Entry__

__I'm leaving tomorrow. So I should end this.__

__I am thankful for getting this journal, and I still have the one Master Splinter gave me. I can't get rid of it because it still has memories I actually want to remember when I go away for good.__

__They allowed me to finally express myself, and I can finally begin to face the truth. It hurts. It really does. And I don't think it'll ever leave. But at the least, I can go knowing that I did something right. I usually screw everything and everyone up. Not this time. I won't mess them up this time.__

__Tonight, ironically enough, I was alone. It was fine. I wanted to get myself together before I left. I had to get myself together.__

__Looking around my room, I really thought about whether or not I should leave them some kind of note or something. Probably should.__

__When all is said and done, I didn't care how I died. I just knew I had to.__

__But do I want to? No. In fact, I...I'm petrified of it, because I'm going on my own. I don't want to be on my own. I never was. I mean, I never grew up that way...I always had them to protect me.__

__And that's just it. I always had them. But they didn't want to have to deal with me and my mess-ups in life. They don't want someone to tag behind them, weighing them down and being a useless heap of trash. And I'm sure they don't want to live with our father's murderer.__

__I've thought about my death a lot these past few months. And you know what? I decided to run. I don't know why I want to, but...I just feel like I should. __

__I've decided to run as far away from here as possible and never look back. I don't want to die anywhere near somewhere I've known and lived at all my life. I don't want to be near them at all.__

__I don't care what happens after that. I'm leaving my weapons behind. I don't deserve them. I never did. And where I'm going, I won't need them.__

__You know, I found my MP3. It wasn't broken, surprisingly, and I still had my headset intact. I hadn't touched it in so long, I almost thought that it was gone, too. It was dead, but I still want to leave it here. They can have it or what ever.__

__I've fought tooth and nail for too long now. I've cried, I've hurt, and now...I just want it to stop.__

__But there's something else that I really want to feel again before I die. I...I...want...to feel someone's warmth. I've been dreaming about that for the past two days prior to this.__

__It's all I want. To hug someone and know that I'll feel them near me, to feel their breathing, to feel their body heat near my own, to feel someone's heart beating near my own. I've always loved that when it came to my big brothers, Leo especially. And I miss that, more than anything else. He might never know, but I miss snuggling under his arm when he and the others were talking to each other. I just...I wanted to feel that one more time, even if it means for him to kill me while he's at it.__

__But I...I just don't know anymore. As much as I'll miss them, I don't know what else they want me do, what else I can do. All I was able to do was say the same thing over and over. Live in a nightmare, dream nightmares. Not anymore. I'm done. They won.__

__My only wish: that my brothers finally move on in life. I want them to smile again. To be happy. To live their lives and grow stronger. I just..I want them to heal. __

__I'm ready now. I know the others might not find this, or care to read it if they do, but I feel like I have to write this, just in case.__

__I miss our father, too, and I never wanted him to die the way he did. I never asked to be this weak, and I never asked for you all to hurt like you did. You never asked for a burden, and no one asked for the life we lived. But it happened, and I don't...I don't know what I can do now but say this:__

__I'm sorry. I truly am. I know for a fact there's nothing else I can do, nothing else I can say. But it's okay.__

__Raph, I know you wanted some kind of justice. You...you were always my hero, Raphie. That won't ever change. I want you to know that, okay? I'll always see you as my hero. Now protect the others. Make sure they don't experience something like this again. I know you can. You're strong in both body and in spirit, and I hope you take care of yourself. And don't ever change. I still want to see your crazy behind riding the streets late at night and driving Leo nuts. That's all I ask.__

__Leo, I know you got hit the hardest. I know that. And maybe I am the most idiotic thing you had to have as a little brother, and I was an epic crybaby, but I never hated you. I can't. You put with me even before all this, and I never did thank you for it. I...I know now just how much you were hurting that night, and I'm so sorry for causing it. I'm sorry, Leo. Just promise me this. Take care of the others. Don't stress yourself. And get stronger. __

__Donny, I'm sorry you were forced to hate the world. I'm sorry I made you hate everything and everyone...and I'm sorry I existed. I truly am. But...I don't want to see you hate. I don't want to see you so hurt. Please...don't let darkness take your heart. It will kill you one day, and I don't want that. And I don't know if you see this often enough, but you are strong. You always have been. I don't want you to change for anything in this world. Don't forget to finish your projects, and try to remember to get yourself some sleep, okay? And lay off the coffee. I mean it.__

__I love all of you guys. I never stopped. I know you hate me, so I won't ask for your forgiveness. But I will thank you for being my big brothers, for taking care of me. And for protecting me. I never deserved it...but you...you still protected me. And I never thanked you for it.__

__To be honest, all I want...is to see you happy. I never wanted you to be stressed anymore than you were. All I wanted...was for you to smile. I wanted all of you guys to smile, even a little. But I know now. I understand. So it's okay now.__

__Whether or not you are reading this or you care, it's okay. I love you all, and no matter what happens, that will never change. I know who I am now, and I have to thank you for opening my eyes.__

__It's over now, everyone. I won't hurt anymore, and you guys won't, either.__

__I love you. __

__And I'm sorry.'__

I closed the journal. That last entry was possibly the worst one out of all of them.

I told him all that and worse. I pushed him away. I...I can't describe what I did.

And all because of a parent's instinct. Mikey was right. Master Splinter would've done the same for any of us.

I sighed. And all Mikey could do was apologize. We still hadn't listened, hadn't tried to hear what he saw that night. We just didn't care about his emotions, his heart. We didn't stop to care about his suffering. He was there when our father died, actually there, unable to do anything...and we didn't care about that.

I almost started to cry when I thought about the last part...the little note he left for each of us. They stung like mad; it hurt to know that my little brother would actually think that, but was it any wonder?

We hurt him! We ripped him apart, and now...now he doesn't know what else to do anymore...

But why did he leave that last little message? Was it out of fear that he might never get the chance to say it again?

Or maybe it was some kind of last request, the very last thing he felt he at least owed us for everything he thinks he put us through?

I heard a slight movement, and watched as my little brother's sapphire eyes opened. He must've been coming down from the last dose of medication, but it still took all my willpower not to turn away.

He was still hurting so much, still so scared and confused, and I just...I still didn't know what to tell him.

_"Leo?"_ he whispered softly. It was the first time he'd spoken to me since I got him out of Karai's clutches. I wondered what he was thinking.

He blinked some, I figured to adjust to the lighting in the room, then looked back at me, fear in his eyes.

"Mikey, are...are you alright?" I asked at last.

_"Leo, I'm sorry." _Barely leaving his lips, he watched for my reaction.

When I didn't do anything, he said it again, a bit more fearful.

I caught on to the tone he used, and I don't blame him. He doesn't know.

He doesn't know the truth, that what he told us- tried to tell us that day- was true. All the lies we put into his head wasn't going to leave so easily, and he was still wondering when his next attack was going to come from.

All I knew was that I had to do something. I had to get Mikey to trust me again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Together**

**Chapter 9-Mikey**

Why was I still alive?

I was finally going to pay for everything that I've done, so why, Leo? Why can't you let me go?

Something was not quite right with his actions. I knew they wanted me to pay. I knew they hated my guts to the core. So why won't they let me go?

I want them to stop lying to me! I don't want them to hurt me, I don't...I don't want to live with that fear anymore.

Leo, I fought back. I really did! But I...I don't know what you want me to do. I can't continue to fight and cry and live in fear everyday.

I know I can't bring him back. I can't bring Splinter back, I can't get you guys back. I get it.

I'm sorry, everyone. I really am. But what else do you want from me?

The first person I saw when I came around was Leo. I kinda knew he'd be there for some reason.

"Mikey, are you alright?"

I felt like I had to say it. I don't know what Leo wants with me, but it was automatic.

_"I'm sorry."_

In my mind, I thought _'What now? What do they want from me now?'_

I wondered if he read those journals. I hope he did. They know I won't talk. Or rather, I can't.

I don't know when I'll ever tell them. If I tell them.

Really of a fact, I was questioning my brothers, their actions.

I want to know why I keep getting woken up. I want to know when they plan on letting me go so I can stop feeling this heavy pain on my heart.

I can't face these demons. I can barely face my own family!

Leo was walking closer to me, and I wished that I hadn't spoken. He saw me tense a little, but he didn't say anything for a long minute. I think he knew why.

"Do you feel okay?" I nodded.

It is the strangest feeling in the world when you can't trust your own flesh and blood. Well, maybe not flesh and blood, but...just people you knew and loved, you can't trust them.

I'm still shaken of them all. I truly am. And I can't let my barricade down because the next time, they might really kill me. Maybe I didn't fear Death before, but I sure as shell do now.

I didn't get why they were playing nice. I was too weak to attempt to fight, so why not finish me off? You could do what you wanted to do for so long now, so why not finish it?

I wasn't expecting Leo or even Donny to do that, so I thought Raph would be here, his sais aimed at my neck again.

I was so close to it all...but something else must be unfinished here. It has to be it. They don't want me here, but what do I have to do now?

Out of the blue, I saw his hand reaching out toward my face, and I whimpered, pulling back.

He was going to do it all over again. Oh God...I'm not ready for this. I knew it was going to happen, but I'm not ready.

"Don't worry, Mikey. I won't hurt you." he said gently. I shook my head, not really listening, the words I wanted to say still not coming out.

_'Leo, what do you want from me? What else do I have to endure? I can't fight, I can't scream, I can't...I can't.'_

I felt my heart racing out of control. I must've started with the waterworks again, too, because I saw Leo freeze.

"Mikey, I won't hurt you." he kept saying. I kept shaking my head.

_'I don't believe you, Leo. You're lying. Stop lying to me.'_

My head was starting to hurt again. I wanted to be left alone, but I was too scared that he would yell at me or something if I said that. I know he would.

So I kept my mouth shut, closed my eyes tight and curled up on my bed, waiting for him to finish it.

For about five minutes, I realized that Leo hadn't hit me. I was about to open my eyes and see if he left when I felt arms wrap around me. I had no time to prepare myself. My eyes snapped open, and I tried to get away from him. Like that would do me any good. I couldn't go anywhere.

"Mikey, it's okay. It's alright." he said quietly.

Why is he lying to me? Why is he telling me this?

I don't know what I said in response to that. I don't think I said anything at all. My body was still very tired, and my mind wasn't fully awake. So I just sat there, shaking my head, completely vulnerable to whatever he had in store for me.

All I was hoping for was that I would black out. I don't want to feel anything else now.

For a reason I couldn't fathom at the current moment, he didn't let me go for a long time. In fact, he was holding me even tighter than before, trying to calm me down.

He kept talking to me, kept telling me that same lie.

I don't understand what's going on. I don't know what he wants from me, I don't...I don't know anymore.

I'm tired, I'm confused, and I want the truth.

Why can't anyone just tell me that? First I was told to go die, so I did. Now I'm being brought back for what? Why do they want me to live if they wanted me to die?

All this thinking made my already drowsy mind even more so. I guess Leo thought I had fallen asleep, so he let me go after he felt I was calm enough. I welcomed the feel of a pillow, and while sleep was the best idea ever, I glanced up at Leo, trying to see what it was he was going to do next.

He didn't hit me...is that good? Am I going to be left alone tonight?

He turned around for a few moments, then turned back, placed something on the bed, and took my face in his hands. Gently, he cupped my cheek in his hand, tilting my head to the right.

At the moment, all I thought about was how warm and familiar his hand felt being there.

I still remember how he always did that...take my face in his hands and make me face him when I couldn't do it on my own.

I felt him peeling the bandage off my face. While I knew what he wanted, I was still tense and scared.

"Stay still, Mikey." I heard him say firmly, holding my face still after I hissed. Whatever he was using, it burns!

But almost immediately, I stopped. He didn't have to tell me twice.

Just like with Donny...I stay still, I don't make a sound, and I won't get hit. I know how it works.

I sat still, forgetting about everything here for awhile. My eyes closed on their own, and I just...I was drifting.

It's nice to do that, you know. Kinda like running.

I could go anywhere my feet took me and not care. As long as I was moving, as long as the wind was caressing me...I felt completely free. I forgot about anything that troubled me, forgot about the world in general. I did nothing but run.

When I felt a weight get off my bed, I opened my eyes and watched Leo putting something away.

I sighed a little when I saw Leo heading for the door. I love him dearly, but not now. I can't deal with them right now. I want some time alone, some time to grasp what just happened.

I was sure that no one would miss me around here. I was so sure of it.

So why did they want me back? What could I possibly be needed for around here?

If I'm a screw-up, if I'm a killer, I'm sure I should be dead.

So why are they lying to me? What more can they take from me?

"Mikey?"

I was snapped out of that thought, and I noticed Leo was standing by my bedside again. He seemed...worried.

Okay, what's going on? What kind of meds have I been taking?

"Mikey, are you sure you're okay?" he asked. I nodded.

"Then what's wrong?"

I just shook my head. I felt physically fine. I can't really tell him what I want to tell him yet.

Leo didn't seem too satisfied with my answer. He pressed the back of his hand to my forehead, and his expression turned serious.

What did I do now?

"You feel warm, Mikey." he said, a little concerned.

Huh. Was that the reason I was tired?

"Donny, get in here! I think Mikey's catching a fever!" he was yelling.

I had a panic attack of sorts when I saw Donny came in. I know what's about to happen. But I can't...no. I can't!

I saw him rushing in here and gathering things. I was scared, but I made sure to keep quiet. Leo and him went to the far corner of the room, Leo telling Donny what was happening and Donny nodding and glancing at me.

As they began to walk near me again, I curled up a bit under the sheets. My head was pounding, I was so darn tired, and I was hoping that if they were going to do this, that they made it quick. I don't want to be here.

"Mikey? Mikey, wake up. Can you hear me?" Donny asked, worry in his voice. He rested his hand on my shoulder, and I quietly whimpered, trying to look at him and not scream my lungs out.

_"Don't hurt me, please." _I whispered, not sure who I was talking to.

I was really too tired to pay attention to anything right now. Everything was becoming a fog, and I just...I want to close my eyes...let it all go away...

"Mikey, stay awake for a minute, okay?" I think that was Donny again.

I cannot stay awake, Donny. My eyelids feel really heavy...I'm tired...I'm so tired of trying...

Donny, please...hurry up and end it...please let it stop...

"Leo! Hey, where the hell is everyone?"

"Raph, in here!"

No...not him!

The minute Raph came in here, I lost it.

I sat up so fast, I got dizzy. I was looking at him, and I think I hit Donny as well, but I'm not sure.

I couldn't scream at the moment, but I wanted to so much. I wanted to scream at them to go away, to let me sleep for a few hours. But I couldn't find my voice.

Leo was trying to calm me down. I blocked everything around me out, everything except for Raph. I watched him take another step.

"Mike?"

I kept seeing flashbacks of him, his laugh, his fists, his anger flaring. Him cussing me out, belittling me, making sure I knew my place. Him laughing with Casey as they hit me, one at a time, until I thankfully fell unconscious.

He wanted to kill me many times, and I would wait until he would finally go too far and finish this. But he always let me live-barely.

There was no way I was going through that with him. I have no strength left to fight him, to fight Leo, to deal with anyone.

I just want to forget about it all. I don't want to feel this anymore.

"Mikey? Mikey, you okay?" Leo asked. I didn't answer.

I don't understand. Why do they do this to me?

It's done and over with. I did what you wanted me to do, felt what you wanted me to feel.

It's over. You all won.

Let me go...please.


	10. Chapter 10

**Together**

**Chapter 10-Leo**

He froze up so fast. I looked at him, watching as his chest rose faster, his eyes growing wider as he looked at Raph. I was trying to calm him down, but that was a lost cause.

I had to ask myself what the shell I was thinking, letting all of us in the room. We all care for him, but at the same time, ashamed as I am to say it, we broke him. He can't handle this much.

Since he was in a fear-induced stupor, I checked his fever. It seemed like he was growing hotter than usual, and I signaled to Donny that he needed to do something quickly.

Mikey finally snapped himself out of his trance, and he looked at me with a sense of dread since I was so close to him.

Before I could warn the others, both Donny and Raph walked toward him. Mikey let out something of a strangled scream, and shook his head furiously. If he had a weapon, he probably would've used it.

_"No! Please get away...get away!" _he managed to say, somehow finding his voice. He sounded so weak and scared.

Raph stopped moving. Donny did, too. Both of them looked at me, Raph's expression asking me what we should do.

But I didn't know at that moment. I don't know what we can do.

I looked back at our little brother. It was sad. He was curling up in on himself all over again. In his mind, it was just like before, and he was doing whatever he could to avoid getting hurt again. To avoid having his own brothers ganging up on him.

Donny tried to get close to him again, and Mikey literally cowered under his sheets. _"Please don't. I'll keep out of the way, I promise. I-I'll listen to you, I'll do whatever you say! Just-just don't hurt me! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"_ he cried, shaking like a leaf. Tears were pouring down his face, hitting his sheets.

Donny opened his mouth to speak again, trying to calm him down, but Mikey's hands covered his ears, blocking him out.

Then Raph took one step. One step, and I swear to God, Mikey nearly jumped out of his shell in utter fear. He began to hyperventilate, and Donny was growing worried.

_"No! NO! Don't. Raph, I'm sorry! STOP!" _he screamed, putting his arms up in defense. That actually caused me to jump a little.

I never heard of Mikey screaming so loud. Not even as a child.

I looked at Raph, telling him to stay back for awhile. Raph looked utterly lost and angry, and I don't blame him. Then I looked at Donny, who was already walking toward Mikey again, trying to take his temperature.

Mikey kept his ears covered, his eyes closed tight, his legs drawn tightly up to his chest, rocking back and forth as he sobbed quietly.

And I think we all knew then. We knew Mikey was beyond scared at this point, and this was his only way to defend himself. His last attempt to protect himself.

Apologize, curl up tight and hope that it all ends fast.

Donny attempted for the third time to get to him so that he could check his fever, but before he could, Mikey lashed out, swinging at Donny and knocking the syringe out of his hand.

_"No! Donny, NO!"_

At that point, with no other choice, me and Raph ran toward him, pressing him down so that he wouldn't agitate his wounds. Raph pinned his arms above his head, and I carefully pinned his legs. He was still thrashing.

_"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, please. Leo, stop...please stop. It hurts..." _he begged.

I felt a sting in my heart the minute he said that. He was begging me to stop his pain...and I didn't. All this time, I didn't!

Donny got up, dusting himself off and assuring us he was okay. Then he walked over to the cabinet where he kept the medication. Me and Raph kept our focus on Mikey, trying to get him to relax. We had to.

"Mikey! Mikey, it's okay. I won't hurt ya." Raph said. I could hear the emotion in his voice, but said nothing on it.

I think Mikey was trying his best not to believe us. Again, I don't blame him.

_"Raph, I'm so sorry...please, don't hurt me." _he whispered as he began to calm down. His eyes opened, and I looked away.

I couldn't look at those orbs and ask him to forgive me. I put him through enough as it is. He's been through enough. I couldn't do it.

_"I'm sorry...I didn't mean it." _

That is the last thing he ought to be saying.

"Mikey, it's alright." Raph said.

He shook his head, trying not to listen. Donny stood at Raph's side, holding a syringe. I nodded to him.

Mikey looked over at Donny, then the syringe, and back again. At that point, after he saw that syringe and knew what was coming, he fell quiet. Just like that.

Me and Raph felt it was okay to let him go and allowed Donny room to complete his task. I looked at the syringe. Donny caught me staring.

"Morphine. He needs to rest." he explained as he carefully injected a dose in his arm. I just nodded, my eyes on Mikey.

As I watched him falling back into the darkness, Mikey finally looked at each of us with a soft, lingering fear.

I could not take it. I could not take looking at him, looking in his eyes and telling him that it was alright when I knew it wasn't.

Nothing's going to take this memory away from him, take the scars we all inflicted on him away. We can never take away his fear, his sadness. We can't.

He didn't ask for this. He never did. And yet..yet we still can't give him any peace. Why? Why do we still hurt him, still make him suffer?

_"I'm so sorry, everyone...I'm sorry." _His voice was barely above a whisper as he finally went into his drugged-induced slumber, tears still trailing his cheeks.

We all looked at each other, then back at Mikey. It was a pitiful sight. Years later, and everything we did affected him this badly, this much.

Donny went over to Mikey, checking his fever, and told me to get a bowl of water and a rag. He then directed Raph to help him change some of Mikey's bandages.

I retrived the requested items and came back, where I watched my two little brother tend to my youngest one. After some time, when Donny gave us the okay, he stepped out of the room, taking some notes with him. I stood next to Raph, the both of us watching over our little brother.

"Leo, you were right. Still thinks we're hurting him." Raph said quietly.

I nodded, not taking my eyes off his sleeping form. "Yeah."

I saw the anguish leave his face as the morphine pulled him deeper into sleep. That seemed to be the only way he could escape the hellhole we put him in...sleep and never want to wake up.

I looked at Raph, and he looked back. He understood why Mikey did what he did. He was guarding himself, prepping for any onslaught we might want to throw at him. He was only doing what became something of a normal routine for him.

But it's not something we wanted to accept as his older brothers.

"Leo, I'm gonna stay with Mikey." I nodded.

"Call if you need anything."

I left and headed for the kitchen, finally aware that I was hungry and wanted something to eat.

As I was making me some tea, Donny came into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I put some water on to boil, and joined him.

"Leo, now what? What are we supposed to do?"

I tilted my head in thought. "I guess...I guess we start trying to get his trust back."

"Is it a good idea to leave Raph in there with him? I don't mean it in a bad way, but-"

"Don't worry. I know what you mean. And to answer your question, I think so. He's not going to hear any other option." I said, getting up to make my tea.

"But...we better keep an eye on him. You saw what happened earlier. He almost jumped out of his shell when he saw him. It's a miracle he didn't try to kill us or something."

"Donny."

He looked at me as I returned with two cups of tea, offering him one. "Yeah?"

"Did you hear what Mikey said?"

He took a sip of his tea and shook his head yes, his eyes on his notes before looking up at me.

"All he did was apologize. That...and beg you to help him. And for me to get away. And for Raph to stop." Donny looked like he wanted to scrub his mouth with alcohol at what he just said; it disgusted him that much.

I sighed. "Donny, we have a lot to making up to do. But where do we start? What do we do?"

Donny took my hand in his. "We will figure it out, Leo. For now...let's just stay together. For our sake, and for Mikey's."

I nodded, and we both sat there drinking our tea and thinking for a long time.

We made him get so used to treating him like dirt, he hadn't gotten used to us acting like this. Like actual brothers. Like damn family!

All he sees with us is tormentors. Liars. Everything that's wrong with the world.

He still had his shield up, that thin barrier protecting what's left of his heart, keeping it away from us. I knew it was going to be hard to take it down, and he might break down completely after this, but we all have to try.

We have to bring that shield down...and put his heart back together again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11 -Mikey**

__"I'm so sorry, everyone...I'm sorry."__

__I'm sorry.__

_**"I'm sorry, Leo. Bro, I...I didn't mean...wait, Leo!"**_

__Leo, I'm sorry.__

_**"Raphie, I...no...please...stop saying that. You're hurting me, Raph! Raph, please!"**_

__Raphie, I'm sorry.__

_**"Don, no. Get away! Donny, no! DONNY!"**_

__Donny, I'm sorry.__

__It was all I'd been able to say to them, the only phrase I'd been allowed to speak.__

__I'm sorry.__

__But I can't take this anymore.__

__Whatever it was...whatever Donny...gave me...making me...sleepy...all over again...so I can go now, Donny?__

__Is...is it okay now? Did I...I do everything, Donny...?__

__I don't have to stay...stay awake...anymore...__

__Thank you...__

__Wait...for some reason, I can still hear them. I wasn't sure if it was one person or not. I didn't think they'd even still be in the room with me.__

__But I could hear them. My brothers' voices.__

__All around me, wherever I was, I could hear them. Familiar voices...still calling out to me.__

__It sounded like a mumbled mess, and I could barely make heads or tails of what they were saying.__

__I could just faintly feel something pressing on my chest...and I barely heard one of them screaming my name...__

__Then it just stopped. Everything went completely silent.__

__And I felt it in an instant, taking me over again.__

__But I noticed something...different. I wasn't...I don't know how to put it.__

__I felt too at peace, too safe and warm here. And mind you, it was dark. Just me and a vast space of darkness.__

__Why..why does it feel like this? It should hurt...I deserve that...don't I?__

__My body felt so light, almost like a little feather. I knew I was floating away, and a good part of me was ready to completely cut my ties from the hellhole I call a world.__

__It's so weird. I never felt something so calming before, despite the number of times I must've been in this place. This time, it felt almost like...like an out-of-body experience.__

__But...but I..I don't deserve this.__

__Shouldn't I be in hell? Shouldn't I be somewhere where I can never find that forgiveness that I thought I wanted?__

__Is this...this what Death feels like?__

__For a brief moment, I wondered if Leo always felt like this after he finished his meditation. Felt like he's one with his surroundings, with nothing to trouble him or weight him down.__

__Nothing in his mind, clouding his heart...was that what he felt?__

__Leo...my big brother...I hope he and the others...they're alright over there. I wonder what they're doing right now...if they're smiling...I hope so.__

__Donny...it's truly over...I did it, guys.__

__I didn't screw them up this time.__

__I felt like I was in a bliss of some kind. This is the most comfortable I ever felt in the dark, or anywhere.__

__I wonder why Leo fears it...it's not that bad...__

__Donny did it. He took it all away. It's done now.__

__As I continued to float farther away from that world, I saw a light...a blueish-colored light. It was in the shape of a large sphere.__

__This time around, I felt it tugging at me, then quickly surrounding me.__

__It was like...like I was fluttering in a breeze. Just like a feather...I was floating away. That light was really strong, but...but really light and soft.__

__I finally allowed my eyes to close, and a voice began to whisper to me in comforting tones, sounding almost angelic-like.__

__I figured...it was a she...but whoever it was...that voice...it was kinda lulling me...to sleep.__

__She was telling me...not to cry anymore...that I've fought enough.__

__For my brothers. For my family.__

__I let a tiny smile slowly creep across my face at that.__

__It was true.__

__I did this...for them. I'm not afraid anymore.__

__I don't have to be afraid to die.__

__This is the last time I will ever shed tears. The last time they will ever have to see me or put up with me.__

__And this time...I was going to do something right.__

__My whole being felt drained of strength, but I don't think I was quite dead yet. No...I'm not dead yet.__

__I can't be. I still feel this presence around me...not the light...but...another being.__

__It's Father...it has to be him. I'm going with...with him...but why?__

__I don't know, and I'm too tired to care. I'm with him now...that's all that matters to me. I want to tell him that I'm sorry for letting him die so soon, for being such a horrible son...for everything.__

__I guess this must be it. I'm nearly dead...so no one else can lose something important to my failures.__

__I...I finally did it. It's finally over.__

__My family...can heal now.__

* * *

><p><strong>Leo<strong>

Donny went back into the infirmary, and I still sat at the table, Mikey's little episode running through my head like a bad record player.

I never heard him scream so loudly. That was really getting to me. Was Mikey really that afraid of us?

Not that I blamed him. I could still hear his screams from all those months ago...so pained and weak...confused and alone...hurt.

It was when Donny started yelling that I rushed to the room to see the source of the problem. I thought Mikey was up now, and the whole thing was about to repeat itself.

Boy, was I ever wrong.

When I reached the infirmary, I heard the heart monitor beeping out of control, and Donny was hovering over Mikey. Before I could ask, Raph was in my face.

"Raph? Hey, Raph, wha-"

"We're losin' him, Leo!"

That hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to stop and look at Raph like he was officially off his wagon. Raph's expression was one of fear I never believed I'd see.

"Leo, Mikey's dyin! Dammit! Leo, what the hell do we do?"

And the second time he yelled it at me, it clicked. I blinked, then looked at Donny, not answering Raph's question.

"Don, what just happened?"

Donny was trying to keep him stable, so he couldn't face me. He yelled, "I don't know! I came in here to check on him and Raph, and the next thing we know, his heart rate's dropping!"

I took in what he said for one minute, and suddenly, I understood it all.

Mikey's physical body wasn't ready to give up yet.

While his body wasn't ready, his heart and mind were. So his body had no choice but to follow...

The morphine!

Donny stepped aside from him to check something. I stole a look at Mikey's expression, and I knew it.

He was so peaceful, so calm...so ready.

He'd taken so much...so much hurt and damage. He's fought on for so long, but...he can't do it anymore. All he wants is peace...freedom.

Right, Mikey?

I winced as I saw Donny fighting to increase his heart rate, trying to keep him alive in general, and Raph was pacing the room a lot faster than usual, stopping every few minutes to cuss at something.

I watched Mikey and I knew.

This was the last time Mikey planned to suffer. He figured Donny did him a grand favor giving him that morphine...and after being brought back to this hell we call home more than once...and that little incident from earlier...he was truly ready now.

I had to ask myself yet again what was running through his mind. He didn't seem afraid...it was like, whatever he was seeing there, whatever was about to grant his wish...it comforted him.

That hit home hard. He shouldn't be comforted with the thought of Death. That shouldn't be him lying there...that shouldn't be him suffering like that...

We've done nothing but evil acts to him...literally tortured him over those months.

But I want him to come back to us. I don't want to lose him!

I left the room and quietly headed for the dojo. Sitting in my meditation pose, I closed my eyes, and surprisingly enough, managed to get something of a connection to my nearly fully unconscious little brother. I let out a sigh of relief, keeping that connection steady.

He wasn't completely dead yet, so there's still a small chance I could bring him home.

One way or another, I have to get through to him.

But can I bring him back? Even better still, do I _want_ to bring him back?

No...I can't think like that. I have to bring him back. I have to!

I opened my eyes, and the first thing I noticed was a massive ball of light floating in vast darkness. Was this what he was thinking about? Better yet, where was he?

I squinted as I peered through the translucent light, and a light gasp escaped my lips.

In that light, I could see my brother, his eyes closed, a tiny smile spread on his face.

Mikey...he was so content there...do I really want to break that?

His euphoria...his only sense of peace...

I neared the light, and that voice drifted toward me. That same tiny, scared, tired voice that couldn't find anything else to say.

_'I'm sorry.'_

What am I going to tell him? He believed everything over those last few months, everything we told him when we were thirteen!

What do I tell him now?

Is there anything I can tell him?

I reached out, and was surprised at how thin the ball was. I was actually able to go completely through it, and I stopped for a moment, making sure that I knew what I was about to do was right.

When I felt it was, I stepped forward, and reaching out, touched his hand.

He barely moved, but I knew he wasn't dead yet. He was just as still as he was the day we all went to find him.

"Mikey, I know you can hear me, and you don't have to say anything. I want you to listen to me."

I hugged him. His spirit was still so warm...he was always like this. A warm, free little spirit. I don't want to lose that because of us.

"Mikey, you have to wake up, okay?" I whispered.

* * *

><p><strong>Mikey<strong>

_'Mikey, you have to wake up, okay?'_

__H-huh...what was...that?__

__Is...is that...? No. It can't be...must be hearing things.__

__But why...do I feel...like someone...is holding me?__

__An angel, maybe? Or...or Father? I...I don't know...__

_'Mikey...I'm sorry, Mikey. But you have to wake up.'_

__No way that's an angel. And that's definitely not Father.__

__I know that voice.__

__Leo? That was Leo's voice, wasn't it?__

_'Mikey!'_

__Wait. Leo? How-?__

_'Mikey, listen to me. I don't have too much time, and neither do you.'_

__Leo...I'm...__

_'I know you don't want to hear this. I know you're hurt, I know you're scared. I...I know...I know you're hurt more than anything that you would have ever felt in your life.'_

_Leo...why...why won't you...just let me...go? _

_I'm going to leave now..you and the others...you should be happy...I'm going away...just like you told me to._

_So why...why do you cry over me?_

_'Mikey...I know we broke you, took away your happiness. We took away everything from you... treated you in ways that no brother should treat another. We left you alone to...to suffer...to cry and bleed and hurt...to be confused and frightened of your own family...'_

_I tried to block him...but he's so...he's really sad. _

_No...no more...Leo, I ended it._

_'It's not over yet, Mikey. And...and I know you're...you're so damn tired of hearing all of us, of being lied to. I know that. But I...I didn't want this to happen, little brother. I never wanted you to suffer like you did.'_

__He's...he's so warm...but why can I feel that?__

__Leo...it's...it's over now.__

_'No, otouto. Stay with us!'_

__But why?__

__I'm dead now; isn't this what you wanted?__

_'Mikey-'_

**_'No, you stupid twerp! Ya better not give up!'_**

__R-Raphie?__

__How...w-wh-what? I don't...__

**_'I don't know, nor do I give a damn. Ya hear me? Just...just don't...dammit. Dammit!'_**

__The next thing I hear sounds really...odd coming from him.__

**_'Mike, I'm sorry. But ya can't leave us like this. I want ya back home, bro. We all do. I...I don't want ya to handle this, Mikey. I never wanted this...to happen.'_**

__He...he sounds so quiet...wonder why...__

__Raphie, you...don't...have to...to apologize...__

__Can't you see? It's for you that I want to go away.__

__You...you won't..get mad...anymore...I did something useful...I did it, Raphie.__

**_'Mikey, you're not doing this! Mikey!'_**

__It's my fault, Raphie. You were right.__

__I did this...to you, to everyone.__

__I...I made you all hurt...I always have.__

**_'Mikey! It's not ya fault, gotdammit! MIKEY!'_**

__Yes it is. Don't...say that.__

__I...I made you hate me...so much...made you guys...want me dead...__

__A...liability...that's what I am...just...someone in...in the...way...__

**_'Mikey, please. Don't say things like that! Please...I don't want to lose you...I can't! Please, Mikey...please...'_**

**_Donny..._**

**_'I know you won't believe us. I know you can't. And after what we read in your journal, you...you need to know that none of that is true, Mikey. None of us think you're anything less than who you truly are, and none of us want to let you die! And I can't lose you; you're my only baby brother. Please, don't give in to this. Fight it, Mikey!'_**

__He...must be trying to keep me alive...I still...feel him pressing my chest...barely.__

__Please don't do that, Donny. I'm fine. You took the hurt away.__

__And...I'm ready this time.__

__'Mikey, no! I'm not letting you die like this! Just keep fighting!'__

__Fight?__

__I've spent the last few months, years, whatever...fighting you all, fighting everything.__

__'We know. But...'__

__I accepted the truth.__

__I don't have to fight it, Donny. I don't...have to do it anymore.__

__You were right...you all were.__

__'Mikey, no. That's...that's not...'__

__Stop, Donny. Just...please stop lying to me.__

__You all...don't want me...I get it, okay?__

__I should have never been born. I know. I know that. I...I can accept it.__

__I should have been killed earlier. And I wished I was...if it brought back Master Splinter...I wished I had died that night...just so you all...won't hurt anymore...__

__'Mikey, stop saying that! Please stop it! You don't deserve to die! You don't...don't deserve to hurt so much...you never did...'__

__I just smile. He doesn't have to lie to me, and he knows it.__

__Leo...it doesn't hurt...not anymore...__

__And at least...now...you all...will live...and be free of something like me.__

**_'That's not true, Mike!'_**

__Honestly, it's okay.__

__'Don't die, little brother. Please, I beg you...just don't leave us...please...'__

__No, Don. I...I have to. You know that...you know that.__

__And besides, you have things to do, projects to complete...go ahead, finish them...__

__You took the hurt away. So you don't have to stay anymore.__

_'Mikey, listen to me. You have to fight this. You have to come back to us, Mikey!'_

__Wait...earlier...Leo, you called me otouto...you all...called me...your brother.__

__But Leo, you said it yourself. Did...did you forget?__

__I'm not your brother.__

_'Yes you are. You're always going to be my little brother, our otouto. And I'm so damn sorry I said that to you.'_

__No, Leo. I'm nothing. I'm no one.__

__I'm a loner. And that's alright.__

__'Mikey...oh god...I-I never...I didn't...'__

__Leo, you were right. And...I think I always knew. I think I knew I never belonged here...I never deserved to be alive...__

__I-I know I'm not your brother, you or Donny's or Raphie's.__

__Don't you remember?__

_'Mikey, don't say that! Stop saying that, please! Mikey!'_

__No. It's...alright.__

__I still...love my family...my brothers...my big...brothers...__

__No matter what...even if...I'm nothing...but trash...and I should've been dead...I'll always be thankful...because you all were my family.__

__And...you're always going to be my nii-chan.__

_'Mikey...oh, god...Mikey, no...please don't say that, Mike. I..I just...'_

__Leo...I'm ready.__

__It's gonna be okay.__

_'NO! Mikey, you're always going to be our brother...you're always going to be _my _brother! Don't say that!'_

_It's alright. I can't feel hurt anymore._

_I'm alone, Leo. I've accepted it._

_'Oh god...I...I know I told you that, but you...you can't believe that, Mikey! I know with the way we acted, it never seemed like it, but...we need our baby brother to drive us insane and cause us to worry! We need him to make us laugh, make us smile...we still need you, Mikey.'_

__Leo...Leo, please...don't say that.__

__No one will miss me. It's..better that way...for all you guys...to forget me...and to let me die. __

_'Mikey, we can't just...we can't forget our innocence. I can't do that...and I won't.'_

__I can't fight anymore. I have no energy left, Leo. __

_'Mikey, please. Don't...don't do this...you have to keep fighting...'_

__Leo, you and the others can let me die now. __

__It's fine. I'm not afraid...I'm not afraid now.__

_'NO! Dammit, Mikey, I'm not going to do that!'_

__I'm so sorry I did this to you, everyone. I really am. __

__I know I hurt all of you, and I can't take that back. I can never take it away. And I can't tell you anything more.__

__And I know you'll always hate me...always feel that pain...so, at the least...I can grant you all your request.__

__After all...I don't deserve to exist. I never did.__

_'Mikey, that's not true! I don't care about that anymore. ___You're___ in pain, Mikey! You're hurting because of us, and I...I can't...I don't know what...'_

__Oh, Leo...don't.__

_'And I don't blame you for that. I failed you. More than anything else, I broke you. I lied to you, and I left you on your own. I...I didn't protect you, Mikey...I didn't...I was supposed to protect you from this...protect your heart...'_

__Leo, don't. You all protected me enough.__

__It's my fault.__

__It's always been my antics getting everyone around me so angry, getting you all hurt...the reason why our father was killed...but not this time.__

__I'm making sure no more loved ones die because of me, that no one else has to deal with such a useless piece of trash.__

_'Mikey...oh God, Mikey, no! I...I didn't...no, I...I never meant...no, no!'_

_I look up at the light, realizing that I can't see my older brother anymore. And I smile._

_It's over. After all this time...it's finally over._

__Leo...you had...your reasons...b-but...at least...I...I finally...did something right...__

__I didn't mess this one up.__

_'Mikey! Mikey, answer me!'_

__'Mikey?'__

**_'Bro! Hey, Mikey!'_**

__That light...it's pulling me...again. A lot stronger...and it's so warm...__

__It's time.__

_'Mikey? Stay with me, Mikey!'_

__No, Leo. I can't...I can't.__

__And...they need you. Alright?__

__Raphie...and Donny...they need their big brother...they need you, Leo.__

_'Wait, Mikey!'_

__Just protect them for me...like you've always done.__

__Don't...don't let them...cry...anymore. I...I don't...want...you guys...to cry.__

__Please, Leo. That's all...I ask.__

__'Mikey! Michelangelo!'__

__Take care...and I will always...love you guys.__

_'Mikey! No, Mikey! MIKEY!'_

__I hadn't realized my eyes were open until they fell closed again. His voice sounded jumbled once more, and soon, it faded away...where, I don't know.__

__I let out a tiny sigh, my spirit relaxed. Whether or not Leo was still holding me, I didn't know.__

__After a few more seconds, I could hear or feel anything no longer.__

__Leo...Raphie...Donny...I finally did it.__

__I finally...made you all happy.__

__It's all over.__

__Take care of each other, okay? __

__No matter what...I'll always be watching over you.__

__Because I want to see you smile again, my brothers.__

__I always want to see you smile.__

* * *

><p><strong><span>Leo<span>**

Good god, we were about to lose him again! Mikey...

We did it. I know I kept telling myself that, but now...I know for a fact we scarred him.

I can't even compare this to a blade. A blade's wound hurts, but it can heal.

Mikey's wounds burned, stung, bled...and now, they might never heal.

Everything we said and did to him were coming back so hard, it took all my willpower to push it back and keep something of a connection with Mikey. He was falling unconscious again, and I was losing him. We were losing him.

His words...they were starting to echo in my head, and I couldn't push it away.

I can't smile because I'm the reason you're even in this place to begin with! I killed you! I killed your heart, your spirit, your mind...everything.

Please...please, Mikey. I want to make this right. I don't know how, but...I want to make this right.

You have to come back to us, please! I just...I can't...

God, I'm so sorry, Mikey. I'm so damn sorry.

_'It's my fault.'_

His fault...we blamed everything on him, everything a child should never have to worry about, everything a child should never have to experience on his own.

His own family...the only family he ever knew...we just pushed him away, left him to fight his own pain and nightmares, told him so many lies, told him so many hateful things, hurting him day and night, leaving him to cry and scream alone, to feel such intense pain from his own protectors...

And yet he still loved us. Still called us his older brothers, still wanted our forgiveness, our trust...still wanted our happiness...even at the cost of his own life.

_'I didn't mess this one up.'_

What did we do?

_'I don't deserve to exist. I never did.'_

Mikey, you have to fight this. If nothing else...

I know you're sick of it all, but...but we want to take this away...we want to hug you, tell you how much you mean to us...we want you back.

I can't let you go, none of us will.

Mikey, I really love you. We all do.

And we're not about to let you leave this world.

His spirit limp in my grasp, I kept trying to wake him. I knew Donny was trying to keep him alive, that Raph was talking to him, all of us trying to get him back.

I'm not leting you go, Mike. I won't, not until we can take this away from you, until we can piece your soul together and hopefully...fix your heart.

_'I'm watching over you now.'_

I wanted to hide myself. It was terrible what we said, no matter how many times I tell myself that. We told him all that...that we'd be so much more happy without him...and yet, he still wants us safe and sound.

_'Take care...and I will always...love you guys.'_

All he could say...he apologized...he cared...for us...

And he wanted us to be happy. No matter what...he still...wanted us all...to smile...

_'I want to see you smile.'_

But how can we? How can we?

I cut my own thought short when I realized I couldn't even hear his thoughts. And I felt my heart rate increasing.

Was he...No. NO!

'Mikey, please don't do this. Mikey! Mikey!' No...No, no, no, no, no! Mikey, no!

Was he really dead? What do I do?

'Please, Mikey! Please, you have to wake up.'

He still didn't respond to anything. I was really panicking now.

He can't be dead. No...he can't die!

'Mikey...wake up. Please! Mikey!'

It was all up to him now.

He has to wake up. He has to!


	12. Chapter 12

**Together**

**Chapter 12-Mikey**

'Mikey! Mikey, don't do this. Don't die!'

_Huh...?_

_W-Who...who's calling me now?_

'Mikey, please...I don't want to lose you, otouto...I don't want to lose you...'

__Leo...__

__Wait...I can...still hear him...still...feel him...or is this a dream?__

'Mikey, wake up. Please, you have to wake up.'

__I...I'm...still alive...?__

__Leo, it's done. I ended this.__

__I'm dead.__

__I'm ready...but you have to let me go.__

'Mikey...I can't. I won't.'

__Why?__

__I'm...going away...like you wanted, Leo.__

'Mikey, you're not...It's not over yet. But you gotta wake up. You can fight this.'

__Leo's pleading...for me?__

__No...I must be dreaming...I have to be...__

_'No, little brother. It's not a dream. You have to fight this back, and come back to us.'_

__He's fighting just for me to wake up.__

__But...why?__

'Because I have to make this right. I broke your heart, your mind, and your innocence. And I have to make this right, Mike.'

__Innocence...me?__

__No. That's...that's not right.__

__I can't be innocent. I'm evil. I'm a murderer, Leo. __

__I...I am evil. A terrible son, and a dishonorable ninja...I am nothing...but trash...useless trash...something...that never...deserved to be...be created.__

'Mikey...oh, God...why did...I'm sorry. Mikey...Mikey, no. You're not...you're not evil. You're Michelangelo...and you're my baby brother...our little light...'

__Don't...don't say that...__

__Leo, no more. Please...Brother, I...I'm tired. __

__Just...let me die. Let me go.__

'No. No, no, Mike. Listen to me...just listen."

__Leo...you're crying...__

__And he feels...so close...I can hear his heart...__

__Am I really dead? Did...did I leave...? Why do I feel my brothers right now?__

__Unless...they...never let me go...they're still...holding onto me...__

__But why?__

'Mikey, you're a ninja. An honorable ninja. You always have been. You're stronger than any of us can ever be because you express your emotions...you cry, you get mad, you smile...and you make us laugh.'

__Me...strong?__

__No...stop doing that...stop lying...just let me die, Leo!__

__Please, Leo. Please...__

__I...I can't take anymore pain...I can't.__

__I just...I want it to stop. I want it to stop.__

_'Shhh. I know. I know you hurt...but just...hear me out.'_

__I wanted to just...go away...anything to make it end. But Leo and the others...they won't let it stop! __

__Why do they keep hurting me? I finally died...I finally made everything done and over with...and they...they keep hurting me...and they want me to hurt more...__

__Leo...Leo, please...I don't...I have nothing left. I can't fight you all...and I can't cry anymore...__

__Please...I have no strength left...__

__Just let this end...let me go...__

'No, Mike. Just listen to me! Please, little brother...please...'

_I...I..._

'You were always powerful, Mikey. You...you're a teenager...but a child at heart. And that was what made you so strong. You're a typical teen who must have his comics and annoy his older brothers and cry when he's hurt and always ask the weirdest questions and...and just...'

__He's...really crying now. Not...like all...all the other times...he's...upset.__

'...just hold onto someone. Cling to us and let us comfort you, take your hurt away. Let us baby you because you're the youngest. Cause me to get ulcers worrying about your safety. Drive Raph up the wall messing with his bike. Make Donny want to kick your shell somewhere for blowing up his lab again."

__I don't want him to make him cry...not them...__

__I don't like hearing them crying. I hate that.__

__I mean, I know they're strong, and I know they have to cry one day, but not over me...I told him that.__

__And...Leo, I don't...understand.__

__I'm dead...so why cry over me?__

__Why are you all crying over someone like me?__

__And why won't you let me die?__

'Because...I don't think we'll ever get you to trust us after all this. And I don't want to let you die! You're still hurt, Mikey...you always have been...and none of cared to heal you. I don't...I don't want to let my littlest die so soon...especially since you did nothing wrong...'

_But I...I did...I destroyed everything, Leo. You know that._

'No you didn't. You didn't do anything at all.'

_He's warmer now...Leo feels warmer than before...what's going on?_

_I don't want this. I don't...deserve this..._

'Mikey, you aren't alone. You aren't alone anymore. Just keep fighting this.'

_I'm...not alone...? But...I thought..._

****'Fearless is right. Ya not alone in this, Mikey. Hang tight!'****

__Raphie? I don't understand...you're still here, too?__

**'Yeah. I'm gonna stay here until you wake up from this...and come home.'**

__Come...home...__

__They...they want me back there? No, that...that can't be true...it's a lie!__

__But everything feels different now...so I can't be dead...then where am I? In limbo?__

_**"Wake up, Mikey. You have to wake up!'**_

_Donny...you...you're still keeping me alive...all of you are still keeping me alive..._

__But I can't go back there. Guys, I-__

'We know you're scared. We know that. But try and wake up, alright?'

__No...Leo, I have to...to go away...you all said so...__

'I...I know. I know. But just wake up, otouto. It's okay; we're going to be here.'

__I forced my tired spirit to open my eyes. And I could see my brother's tear-stained face in my wavering view. At that, I couldn't help it. I smiled a little.__

__Leo, I could die right now. I'm ready to end this. __

__I can finally end this horrible nightmare for everyone...so why are you pulling me back there?__

__Why do you all want to hurt me again? __

_'Stop saying that, Mikey. We don't want to hurt you anymore. We want to help heal you...like we should have done before. And because you never deserved this. You...you never deserved to suffer like you did.'_

__No...no...that's a lie.__

__Y-you wanna...you wanna hurt me again...Leo, please...I can't fight you guys anymore!__

__Just leave me! I can't come back there!__

__Please, guys...I don't wanna hurt anymore.__

'I know, Mikey. But we will not hurt you like that ever again. Never again. We promise you that.'

__No...no, you...you and Raphie and Donny...__

'We will protect you. We will always keep you safe.'

__They...really want me...back there? But...I...__

__My body feels weird, and I know the reason, but...why won't you let me die, Leo?__

__Why can't I die?__

* * *

><p>My eyes opened slowly, the light terribly bright above me. For a brief second, my head was throbbing, and I wasn't sure what was going on.<p>

Wait...this place...was I back? Had I really woke up?

I moaned, my head still swimming, and tried to sit up. The next thing I heard was Donny letting out a cry and a thump. Someone came running in right after that.

"Mikey! Ya made it!"

I recognized his voice almost instantly, and turned to him.

Weird...why wasn't he...He wasn't yelling. He wasn't mad or angry and deranged or anything. He was...he was actually glad to see me.

I blinked, making sure I wasn't completely dead. Looking down, I saw the thick scars on my arms, the harsh needle marks that adorned me, and I quickly guessed that I wasn't dreaming. I can't if these marks are still so clear and visible.

Raph began to walk out of the room, I guess to get Leo, and Donny, apparently recovered from his collapsing spell, stood up and came over to me.

What happened next was sort of a reaction to that. No, it was more of a reflex. I hadn't meant to, but I let out a tiny whimper. Something's gonna happen now...I know it...

I'm still gonna hurt...and I can't fight against it this time...so if it kills me...

Donny looked at me for a second, and I think my head went blank. It was his eyes...they weren't flat and irritated and void of that spark I'd seen for the past few months.

They were worried, and had a slight tint of red in them...that natural dark chocolate color I never thought I'd see again. And I kept staring into them, searching for that hatred he was repressing, something to tell me I had died after all and this was a terrible, realistic dream. But I found none.

That was my brother...that was truly my big brother...my worried, extremely intelligent, gentle brother. It mainly jolted me with Donny because of that glare I was so used to seeing.

Those eyes...they were always so lifeless, so annoyed and flat and unfeeling...I always felt it tearing into my soul, cutting me apart until I wasn't sure I could face him anymore.

With Donny, he never had to speak for me to hear his disgust for me. All I had to do was look once and it told me everything.

The next thing I knew, Donny was tightly hugging me. And I still wasn't comprehending that at all.

He gave me something to make it all go away...I was about to do what they've always wished for me to do...he helped me to die...I was closer than I'd ever been.

So what was the point? Why bring me back when I was so close to Death? I'm not sure anymore.

"Don't you ever do that again, Mikey. You gave me a heart attack." he whispered in my ear.

I didn't say or do anything; with the way Donny had my arms kind of pinned, I couldn't. I sat there, kinda enjoying the feel of my brother's skin against my own, but also kinda fearing it. I just...I wasn't used to this anymore.

They haven't hugged me since I was young. I almost forgot how it felt having them doing that.

"I'm sorry, Mikey. And thank you...for fighting."

I tilted my head a little. Why was he apologizing?

Donny finally pulled away from me, and a tiny part of me wished he still held me for a while longer. But I couldn't bring myself to tell him.

He walked out, I guess to get the others, and I took a deep breath.

Everyone fought this hard to wake me...but I just don't understand.

If all I did was get in their way, why would they do it? Why would they put themselves in that position? I don't get that at all!

* * *

><p>After a few more days, I was finally discharged from the infirmary. Thank the high heavens, because I was getting tired of sitting around in there. I had to use crutches for three to four weeks after, but other than that, I felt pretty good. Again, just physically.<p>

As far as mentally and emotionally, I am still so confused. I sound like a girl who can't decide who she loves sometimes, but that's how I sorta feel right now.

I don't know anything about anything. I kept wondering about them, their actions, everything. I wondered about myself. I knew I could've stopped all this, but I didn't.

And they keep lying to me; I know it.

During those weeks, Donny comes in my room often to check on my legs, which need the most time to heal. Again, at least I can walk...with the exception of those stupid crutches.

I won't lie, I don't talk to him like I used to, but do I talk, mainly when he asks me something. I answer yes, no or maybe. I never go further than that.

A lot of the time, I'm zoned out, often thinking. Thinking about my life, what I wanted, that feeling of being so close to death. Thinking about them, what they want with someone like me, why they kept lying to me...why they are still lying to me.

Other times, Leo or Raph peeks in on me, I guess just to see how I'm doing. And to be honest, with those two, it's a bit harder to maintain a sense of control.

A lot of the time, especially while I'm falling asleep, I hear Leo walking in my room and sitting down on my bed to tell me something, mainly that he's sorry for everything he told and did to me. I don't know why he didn't just let me go...I know he wanted to. I know he did. And he could have...I was that close to finally making this stop.

Other times, he'd come just to hold my hand. He never speaks or anything, just sits there and holds my hand or rubs my shell. I try to block it all out, but it's not easy because he sounds so different than what I was accustomed to hearing.

I want to relax and let him take my pain away, like he always did for me as a child. But I'm...I don't know if I want to risk him hurting me again. I can't risk that...I can't.

Everything he tells me has to be a lie, but I can't ask him, or even look him in the face. It still scares me too much.

With Raph, I simply try not to hyperventilate. He still puts the fear of everything in me. I can't face him at all. And I mean it.

I know he wants me dead. I know he prefers I be somewhere, anywhere but here. So when he does come, I just curl up under my sheets and let him talk or whatever he wanted to do. Talking to him is pointless. He never comes too far in my room or stays too long, thank goodness.

Usually, they ask me if I'm alright, or if I want anything to eat or something like that. All I do is nod or shake my head. When I do try to tell them something, which isn't very often might I add, I choke up. My words never want to come out. I lie to you not; I completely freeze up.

And when and if I do talk, I tell them the same phrase...I tell them I'm sorry.

I don't understand what's going on anymore, but I make sure they hear that from me. It makes them go away sometimes, and then, like right afterward, I just cry. I keep my face buried in my pillow so they can't hear me, but my tears keep flowing, taking a little more of something inside of me that I no longer have...my heart.

I cry for a long while, then I fall asleep. I don't even dream anymore. They're all the same to me. I got so used to them, they don't faze me.

I don't get it. They know I'm not supposed to be here. I should've been dead.

And then that all changed one night.

I was in my room, not really doing anything. I was happy because Donny finally said I could get rid of those annoying crutches, and I felt better than I had in a long while.

But anyway, it was still pretty early in the evening, like eight. Usually, I'd be either reading a comic or playing my games until it was time for practice. But since Raph destroyed everything in my room, and I couldn't really practice for a while, I figured I could go to sleep. Nothing else to do, right?

I got up and took a shower, then went back to my room. Looking at my desk, I noticed my orange and black journals ,as well as my nunchucks and my mask. There was also a plate of food and a glass of water.

Huh. When did those get in here?

I shook my head, reaching out and gently brushing my nunchucks.

And all of a sudden, flashbacks began to replay through my head.

I remembered all the fun I'd have with these. My happiness when Master Splinter gave me my own special weapon that none of my other brothers could wield. I thought a lot about the enemies that I wished we could fight. We were still too young to go topside and truly protect the city, but I wondered what it would be like. Me and Raph always talked about that.

I remember that confidence I'd feel when I gripped them tightly in my hand, hearing the whoosing sound as I twirled them rapidly in my hand. Like nothing could stop me.

For that one moment...I wasn't weak and useless. I felt so powerful anytime I held them. I could fight just as well as the others, could defend my older brothers if anyone bad tried to hurt them.

Not now. I'm still a child. I never should have even bothered to train. I didn't advance like them; I went backwards. No wonder...

I shook my head clear of that incomplete thought. I decided to accept it all. Everything has changed, and I better begin to face the music before this whole mess happens again.

Opting not to dwell on that too much, I ate, then got ready for bed.

As I was lying in my bed, I heard clinking of metal floating through my slightly open room door. _That_ was followed by a streamline of cussing from my temperamental brother, followed by some calming instruction from my more level brother.

It's nice to hear something coming back to normal between those two. I never thought they'd be fighting again, and to be honest, I really missed that.

I chuckled at the sound of Raph yelling at Leo again, that clinking sound of metal against metal. The sounds of friendly scrapping was actually starting to make me even more tired. I don't know why; I just liked it.

I laid on my bed, looking up at my poster, growing more and more sleepy, yet still listening to them sparring.

After a few minutes, though, my eyelids starting drooping, and before I knew it, I was knocked out.

I thought I'd be asleep for the rest of the night, but of course, that was not happening.

Sometime in the middle of the night, I was hearing something at my door. I opened one eye and took a quick peek at the clock.

It was two-thirty in the morning.

I groaned, turning on my left side and getting comfortable again. It was too early to be bugging me.

As I dropped back into Dreamland, that sound was at my door again. At first, I thought Leo and Raph were getting physical outside my room, and tried to block it out. Why on Earth were they still going at it, I don't know.

But after some time, I realized that wasn't what I was hearing. Someone was knocking, and it was getting rather annoying. I decided that I wasn't going to get anymore sleep tonight, and opted to answer the door.

__"C-Come in." __I said sleepily, sitting up.

My door opened, and Leo walked in. I blinked, still half asleep.

"Hey, Mikey. You feeling okay?"

I nodded, kinda annoyed he woke me up so early in the morning. Then again, this was usually about the time when he'd still be up. Guess he finished his training for the night.

For a minute, Leo looked at me. Then he walked over to my bed and sat down.

I shook off my sleepiness and sat up some more, now finally noticing Leo was actually in here and on my bed, and backed up into the corner, pulling my legs up to my chest.

Leo sighed. "You still fear us, huh Mikey?"

I wasn't sure if I was supposed to answer, so I said nothing.

"At least you're still with us." he muttered under his breath.

Sitting down on the edge of my bed, Leo got himself a bit comfortable. I was getting nervous, but I was still too afraid to speak. I just curled further into the corner.

He moved closer to me, and I had a mini-panic attack. He was way too close_. _That was all I paid attention to; he was so close.

"Listen, Mikey. I know what we all did...what I did...it was unforgivable. And I...I can never begin to forgive myself for what I put you through, for what everyone else put you through."

For just a split second, I heard his voice wavering, but kept my mouth shut. Leo kept talking.

"But you're my baby brother. You are our baby brother, and that's something that will never change. And I know you don't want to hear this, but-"

He stopped. When he spoke again, his voice seemed a lot more stable, like the Leo I know, or used to know, or whatever.

"Mikey, I...I'm sorry. I truly am. We all are."

I let that hang for a moment. And at the same time, I decided something.

I can fear him all I want to, but it's now or never. I need to know.

__"L-Leo?" __I said quietly.

"Yeah?"

I didn't move in case he would have a sudden change of heart and try to hurt me; I didn't even look at him as I asked this question.

__"I...I wanted to ask you something."__

"What?"

My fear, for the time being, almost vanished. _Almost_ being the key word.

I mean, for once, my words actually tumbled past my lips, and I was actually talking to him instead of stuttering and freezing up in defense.

But I want to know. I want someone around here to explain to me why I deserve to be alive, what they want with me this time. At least, if they decide to continue this, I...I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm not even sure if that's really a option at this point.

But I do want to know.

Leo tensed. He seemed rather off guard.

"About what we did to you?"

I shook my head. I'd get there later.

__"No, not that. Leo, why...why did you save me?"__

Leo looked at me like I'd slapped him. "Wh-what? What kind of question is that?"

__"Why did you do it?"__I asked again, my voice level even and quiet. I felt eerily calm, yet my gaze never met his.

I just want to hear him say it. That's all.

I want to know the truth.

"Mikey, it's because you're our brother." he said, evident shock in his tone of voice.

I shook my head.__"No. That's not true. That never stopped you all from hurting me."__

Leo rubbed his face in exasperation. I knew this was going to be difficult, but no one said it was going to be easy, right?

The truth always hurts. I learned that the hard way.

"You're right. But I...I don't..."

I looked up at the ceiling, titling my head to see something that wasn't really there.

__"I don't understand why you can't tell me the truth. Why did you all save me after you wanted me to go away and die?"__

I saw Leo flinch at the words I used. "I don't really know." he said quietly.

__"Yes, you do. Leo, you don't have to spare me, you know."__

I almost took back what I said when Leo didn't say anything for a long time. I knew it...I should have just shut up...

"Mikey...you're right." At that, I let a huge, silent breath of relief.

He took another deep breath. "I...I didn't realize...I didn't realize how far away we pushed you. How badly we hurt you. I didn't realize it...but I know why. It was because of you. I mean, when we first started out, it wasn't that bad, but...when it came time for you to train, and you almost never did, and we had to allow you to train with us...you were nothing more than a...a burden. Extra baggage. And it was so damn annoying, having to deal with a fool who was putting our safety at risk."

I didn't say anything to that, just looked down and resumed fiddling with my blanket corner.

There wasn't any reason for me to say anything. Everything he was saying was true. It was true.

As I got older and we began to go topside for training runs, I almost always skipped on training, and when I did train, I never put my all in some of the sessions. After all, to me, life was one massive comic. When the time came for me to perform a certain kata or a run a certain route, I never knew what was going on.

And it was because of that simple act that we were all without our father.

"I guess...as we got older, your antics...it got under our skin. Raph couldn't stand you half the time; he was always fuming about you, and Donny...you know he wasn't going to say anything about it, except when you blew up something in his lab. I pretty much accepted the fact we had an idiot for a younger brother. And I think...no, I know-it only took this whole incident to trigger that hatred that built up over the years."

He sighed heavily. "We hated you, Mikey. We really did, and now, I'm not even sure why."

__"Because I was weak. And I still am."__I stated under my breath. I guess Leo heard me, because he shook his head, not trying to comeback the statement.

For a good few moments, neither one of us said anything. Another question formed in my mind, and I was itching to hear the answer to this one in particular.

__"Leo?"__

"Yes?"

__"If I was really this bad, why didn't you all get rid of me before?"__

"We would never do that!" he exclaimed, looking almost horrified at the very thought.

I said nothing to that. Leo went on.

"But yes, I did wish on numerous occasions that you were never born. We all did."

__"So why not kill me then? You knew I was just as weak back then as I am now. Why didn't you do it?"__

Leo shook his head firmly. "It never crossed our minds. Not like it did now."

I accepted that.

__"Tell me something. Was it better for you guys? You know...when I left."__I asked softly, my fingers fiddling with the corner of my blanket.

Leo hesitated. "Mikey, I-"

__"Was it?"__ I insisted, actually looking at him.

Leo sighed. "Yes. I finished my meditation in peace, Donny finished all his projects and Raph seemed a lot more...calmer. We all got a little peace and quiet around here for once, and I think we would have continued to gone on with life, too. So I guess you can say that things did get better without you."

Just as I figured. __"So why would you allow me to come back and ruin that?"__

"It was more out of our guilt. We knew what we were doing to you. And for whatever reason, we didn't stop, didn't try to hear your side of the story. And when Donny tracked you, and I saw you, actually physically saw your blood-covered body in that hellhole, I just...I knew. We had pushed you so far away, and we never got the chance to tell you how sorry we were. I didn't even know if we'd ever get the chance."

I frowned for just a minute. "_Y___ou should've left me. You didn't have to wake me."__

"Don't even think like that. I...I was scared you truly died there."

He paused for a beat, then went on, his voice taking on a thoughtful tone. "I didn't...I didn't think you'd even let me get so close to you. That light...you were so content there...it scared me senseless for awhile."

__"Leo."__

"Hmm?"

I tilted my head slightly to the left. __"It wasn't so bad. You know, being there. It was actually kinda nice."__

"What?"

I shrugged. _"___I don't know why it was. I guess I'd been going back and forth there for so long...I'd gotten used to it. But it was actually kinda nice being there. I wasn't...I wasn't in pain over there, and I was ready. I wanted it to be over."__

"Mikey, I-I-"

__"I wasn't afraid to die that night, Leo. And I wasn't afraid to die alone. Not anymore. I wasn't really excepting you all...to do that. To fight for me like you did. And...that's why I wasn't sure why you were crying so much." __I said, keeping my gaze on my hands.

"But you shouldn't have to be! You should never have gotten used to that. We're your family, and for whatever reason, we forgot."

I let everything Leo had just said slowly sink into my mind. It was a lot.

What shocked me even more was this whole conversation in general. I was talking with Leo just like the good old times. He was still comforting me, still trying to make this right. That didn't mean I wasn't scared out of my shell.

Leo moved even closer, but I didn't flinch. I just kept looking at our hands. I wasn't sure what I should have done next.

"Mikey."

I didn't say anything.

"Mikey, I want to ask you something." I nodded.

"Were...you were really going to do it that night? Were you really going to end it?"

I was pretty sure that explained itself, and I wondered why he would ask that.

__"Yeah, I was.___" _I answered, looking back down at my hands.

Leo hooked his finger under my chin, tilting it upward to meet his gaze. It was so long since I had to look at him, my heart was about to burst. I mean...I was sure it was going to be the same with Donny...the hate, that rage that he was doing a very good job of suppressing. But it wasn't. And I was sure for a brief moment I was dreaming. I had to be.

His eyes...they were different, yet so familiar.

I'd gotten so used to seeing nothing, seeing no expression in my brother's cinnamon eyes, I'd almost forgotten what my eldest brother's eyes were truly like. There was none of the hatred, that emptiness that took him over and settled there.

Leo's eyes were so firm and determined, yet soft and caring. I could never get away from them, from that gaze, even as a child. They always seemed to bore into my very heart, mind and soul. I swear to you, at times, he could read me like a book.

And that gaze was holding me here now, forcing me to admit what I think he knew.

Only Leo could manage doing that without freaking me out.

"Mikey, you're not telling me something. What is it?" he softly asked.

__"N-N-Nothing...nothing..." __I stuttered. Leo held my face a little firmer.

"Michelangelo, I know you have something else to tell me. What is it?"

I opened my mouth, intent to talk, but my fear of what he was going to do overtook me for those few seconds, and I told him I couldn't say it.

"Mikey..."

And Leo pulled me to his chest, hugging me tightly. Just like all those times before...my big brother still protecting me. "Please, Mikey. Tell me what's wrong."

For a while, I seemed to be taking in too much too fast. First Donny, now him? I don't get what's happening, and if it was a dream, I had to be dead. I hoped so...because this just can't be real.

I wanted to push him away at that point; I was still scared out of my shell! But once I started hearing that heart housed inside of him, I thought about it.

And I realized that that heart, although his...was mine, too. It was a part of me, a part I knew I could never let die with me, no matter what. That was the part I wanted to shield from the world...the part I knew I'd lost the night our father passed.

Leo's heart...it beat for the both of us. And I thought about Donny, about Raphie. Their hearts are mine, too. I had a piece of them all...of my father. I didn't have to be scared to die because I guess...I'd be able to protect their happiness.

So what did I have left to lose?

I wasn't afraid. It wasn't the fact that I was going to die. It was...it was more of a comfort. I knew I'd see my dad, and I knew I could protect them; at least, try to protect them. It was all I wanted, and I figured that was why I was so content that night.

But Leo knew that crying would break me, if that was even possible anymore. All of them cried for me, and I didn't want that. I wanted them to live and move on. But they wanted me to live...and they wanted me...as their brother.

Even now, Leo was still the pillar we all needed, that pillar I felt I never deserved in my life. And it's truly amazing how we all managed to keep ourselves together this long, him especially.

I know I hurt Leo the most. Out of all of us, I put Leo through the worst of it after our father died. I put so much responsibility on his shoulders. He had to take care of us since we were thirteen...and I know Leo trains in order to protect us, but...I forced too much on him. Not to mention that he was the closest to our father. I took something from him that I knew I could never get back, something that would always leave a...a larger void in his own heart.

This whole mess is my fault because I'm such a damn child. And it's because of that that everyone wanted me to go away.

It makes sense. I can't change. I can never change.

So why did they want me? Just what purpose could I serve by being alive?

__"Leo...Leo, I didn't mean to hurt you guys...I...I didn't..." __I stuttered.

"Mike, how did you hurt us? You were still too young; Master Splinter wouldn't have let you fight regardless."

__"But I could've done something! I was thirteen, Leo! I could have fought harder, could've at least tried to help him, and I...I just...I stood there...I was so damn useless!"__I screamed.

Leo said nothing, just nuzzled my head gently. I knew he would do that.

I closed my eyes, taking deep, shuddering breaths. I won't believe that.

He doesn't have to lie. He knows I'm to blame. He knows that.

"Is that what's troubling you, Mikey?"

__"Leo, I...I could've done something...I messed it up. I hurt everyone...and I...I hurt you the most..."__ I mumbled in his chest. Leo shook his head.

"No, Mikey. You didn't. And I wish so much I never said that. It was never your fault. It was never your fault, Mike." he whispered to me.

I didn't say anything more. I was trying to keep myself strong, trying to keep him away, but Leo was slowly exposing my heart, taking my shield down. And I was afraid about what would happen once he did.

"To be honest, I think our father knew he might not have made it home that night. And even after that...somehow, you knew we couldn't handle it. We couldn't take handling something so traumatic, and yet...we still pushed you away."

Leo started to stroke my head, and I let out a quiet breath. "I don't know why you don't hate us. You have every reason in the world-"

__"Leo, I told you." __I stated quietly, cutting him off. I began to draw random patterns on his plastron. I hated talking about this. I told him already, but I'll tell him again.

__"I couldn't hate you all. You had a good reason to want me dead. A very good reason."__

_"_Never! There is **_never_** a 'good' reason to want your little brother dead! We went too far this time, and we could've lost you!" he exclaimed.

__"It would've been okay. It would've ended everything, so..it wouldn't have mattered." __I calmly responded back_._

I could feel Leo's unbelieving expression staring at me, but I didn't look up, a bit engrossed in my random imaginary patterns. I knew Leo was probably waiting for me to explain myself.

When I didn't, he stuttered, "You...you really would've...would've been okay...with that? With us killing you? With us ending your life?"

__"Yeah." __I answered, content with that simple word. I felt there was no other reason to explain. I stopped my hand movement and left it over my brother's heart.

He tensed for a moment before he left the conversation at that.

Yet another, longer moment of silence passed between us. While I did feel better about telling Leo what was on my mind, I still felt kinda scared that all this was just a show, a horrible trick. I couldn't help it.

I don't know when that feeling will ever go away. I want it to, but I know it can't happen overnight.

Leo nodded, his hand moving to softly rub my shell. I relaxed more into his hold.

After a few more silent minutes, Leo started talking again. "Your journal told me everything. I read the entire thing. Mikey, I...I don't...how did you do that...just take it all and continue to live?"

I shrugged. Leo was really starting to feel comfy, and my eyes were starting to droop again. But I wanted to keep talking to him.

__"I...I can't say. I just thought that if this was what I caused, if this was what it took to make you all happy again...then you all had the right to heal. I wanted that. I wanted...to see you all smile again."__

_I smiled to myself. ___"I didn't care about myself anymore. I was ready to die the night I ran. And...I wanted Karai to kill me. I was ready for it."__

Leo's arms tightened around me. "Don't think like that. And don't _ever_ say something like that again." he said in a low voice. If I wasn't half out of it, I swore Leo's voice had a ping of fear in it.

Leo sighed. That wasn't good.

"Mikey, you have no idea how much fear I had running through me that night. I found you, but you were covered in so much blood...so much of it. I thought you were dead..."

He trailed off, his entire body going rigid.

__"I know, Leo. I thought I was, too."__

After all this time talking, I realized this was the first time in a long time that my oldest brother smiled. I never realized how innocent he looked when he did that.

"I'm going to tell you the truth right now: I really thought about letting you go right there. You deserved some kind of peace...especially after this."

He chuckled softly. "I wanted to stop trying to wake you; it was that damn scary. But you still came back to us. It was a miracle you even bothered to stay awake. All you could tell me...was that you were sorry, that you still loved me, and that...that you screwed up."

He stopped. I closed my eyes, trying to remember what I had said or did when Leo found me.

He woke me...and I know I said that I was sorry...but...I can't seem to...

"Mikey?" Leo asked, worried about my sudden stillness.

I told him...that I loved him...and I asked him...if I...screwed up?

Now that I'm thinking about it with a clear head, I don't remember much of what I said outside that night. I mean, other than the apology, all I remember was what I was thinking before I passed out. And a lot of flashbacks hitting me a mile a minute. And the amount of pain my body was wracked in. After that, whatever happened, I either refuse to remember or I can't.

When I woke up in the lair, I still couldn't remember too much; that time, I was hopped up on pain killers or something like that. But I do remember looking at Leo and telling him not to cry for me.

And there was something else I remember, although at the time, I was so disoriented. I remember seeing his pain, his guilt, written all over his face.

The third up I woke up, I was so petrified of them...I honestly knew at that point, if I was going to be kept alive...I was going to be tortured until I truly broke. If such a thing could even happen anymore.

I had fallen silent because I didn't know what else I could've done or what I could've said. All I remember telling them was how sorry I was. I knew that was all I could say. It was all I could tell them...

Just before Donny gave me that medicine, I remember Raph breathing heavily over top me, and he had the same look Leo had in his eyes before...guilt and pain. He just kept breathing over me, kept telling me to calm down.

Once Donny gave me that needle, I honestly did not want to wake up again. I was so tired of trying to do anything, and Donny had taken it away...I was thankful. I really was.

But Leo...he wouldn't let me go. Even when I was 'dead', none of them stopped calling me. And I just didn't see why they never let me die like I was supposed to.

I was so confused...and I was so scared. I didn't know what was gonna happen to me afterward...and even now, I still don't know.

"Mikey? Are you okay?" Leo's urgent voice asked me again, snapping me out of my thought.

I opened my eyes and looked up at him again. _"___Y-yeah. I just...I remembered something, that's all."__

"What?"

I smiled. __"Everything."__

Leo shook his head. "Mikey?"

I looked up at him. "Do...do you still think about dying?"

Now at that, I froze again before answering. _"___Yeah...I do. It's really hard, and I try not to, but I...I'm so confused right now."__

I must sound so pathetic to him, but I could not stop. Once I opened my mouth, everything came tumbling out.

I shuddered, and nestled more into Leo, thankful for his presence more than anything.

__"I...I know you all are my brothers...and I know you're my family...but..."__

I shuddered, and more tears fell. Wow...I didn't think I could cry anymore.

_"_I...I try not to think about it...but it...it hurts, Leo. And...I keep thinking...no matter what...I'll always be hated...I'll always...be dead to you all...and even now, I still think that this is a really long dream. And I..I know that it isn't, but...but I just don't...I don't want to...to..."__

I started choking up, and when I felt Leo rest a gentle hand on the back of my neck, I forced myself to keep going.

_"_I tried to think that there was a reason for you...you all wanting to keep me alive...to let me live. There had to be a reason, and I...I didn't know what to do...I was scared. I didn't know what was going to happen to me...and I...right now, I still think this is nothing more than a horrible nightmare...and when I wake up, you will all still wanna hurt me...and finally kill me."__

I let out a sob. __"I'm so tired of it all. I'm just so tired of trying to fight against anyone or anything. I have nothing left, Leo..." __I finally muttered quietly.

"I know, Mikey. I know you are. But you have to believe me...I don't want to see you hurting anymore. None of us want to hurt you; we want to help heal you."

I nodded. _"I just want it to end..."_ I whispered.

Leo sighed, wiping my face. "I know. And I don't blame you for your actions. It'll take some time to believe us, but you'll see...we will protect you with everything we have."

I titled my head. I still had one more important question I wanted to ask him...and this time, I wanted the truth.

__"Leo, tell me the truth. Do you still wish I wasn't born?"__

"NO!" he stated loudly, causing me to jump a bit.

Looking up at my poster, he said in a much quieter voice, "No Mikey. I can't really imagine life without our littlest brother...our little innocence. And I don't know what I thought life would be like if you weren't here anymore."

__'Leo, am I really that important to you all?' __I thought to myself, letting out a yawn as I cuddled even closer, if such a thing were possible at this point. Above me, I heard a low chuckle coming from him as he pulled my blanket around both of us.

While the others usually allowed me to sleep with them whenever I had a nightmare, Leo was the only one who let me do this.

He was the only one who let me curl under him, let me cry and cry and cry some more until I either wanted to pass out or I felt I let everything out. Allowing me to tell him what haunted me so badly and not feel pathetic about it, always protecting me, holding me so close...letting me feel his warmth, letting me hear his heart beat.

And even now, even after everything that happened...it was this that I missed most.

I missed my brother's warmth. That was something I wanted more than anything.

"I'm sorry, Mikey. I'm so sorry...and I hope you can forgive me someday." I heard him mutter.

I just nodded, feeling more and more sleepy as I laid there on Leo's chest, thinking about...stuff. I still have so much to tell them...and I wait for the day when I can.

I let out another yawn, this time followed by a soft one from Leo. I could only guess what time it was. We must've been talking for hours, although it didn't feel like it at all.

It's weird. I don't feel afraid of my brothers now, or at least, as afraid of them as before. Granted, I still feel some sense of fear. I don't know what's going to happen after this. I don't know if I made the right choice or what. I don't know about the others.

All I know...is that I want to heal with them, to be a family.

"I love you, little brother. We all do. And we always will." Leo whispered, his head resting on top of mine.

My eyes closed, inhaling the scent of my brother, barely registering anything else.

__"I love you all, too.___"_ I mumbled quietly.

The battle's over, and now...I think we need time. A lot of it. I realized now that all four of us carried some type of scar, and might carry them for a long, long time. I guess...mine were just ripped open more often than not.

I never thought we'd actually heal until tonight. But...I think we can. It's a step in the right direction. I know it's how our father would like to see it.

I can't begin to count how many night I've cried, how many nights I've gone to that darkness, each time closer and closer to the point of no return.

I hated that helpless feeling, but...I didn't know what else to do. I feared them even though I wanted to change. I just had so much...so many mixed emotions within me...and soon, I broke through. I didn't know what else I could do, if I could do anything.

After awhile, I just gave up and waited.

_'Leo...I think I'm ready to finally do it.'_

I know it's going to be slow, and probably painful, but I wanna try.

I wanna try to heal with them.

But for tonight, I'll just stay in Leo's protective arms.

__'Arigato...Nii-Chan.'__


	13. Chapter 13

****Well, this is the last chapter. I guess you can call it an extra chapter.****

**Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, and thanks to everyone for reviewing and favoring! :)**

**Final Disclaimer: Own nothing.**

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><p><strong>Together<strong>

**Chapter 13-Raph**

I got tired of punching my bag, and stood there for a moment, watching the sand falling out of the many holes that it sustained over the many years. My mind, though...I was still thinking about Mikey.

I tell you, when I heard that monitor beeping like that, I went into full-blown panic. I couldn't even be angry; Mikey was dying!

And for those few minutes his monitor had stopped...I thought for a long while that a part of me was going with him, a part I'd never be able to get back.

And I don't have a single damn clue how, but I talked to him in...there. I'm not even sure what to call it. Light, I guess. Light or Death or...agh, whatever! He wasn't here, that's all I know.

Tell you one thing: I'm not the expert at that sort of thing, and I'm damn glad that I'm not.

All I knew was that he won. He really came back from Death's grip, and those sapphire eyes...I never thought I'd miss seeing those eyes looking at me. I mean, he still feared me, but I didn't even care about that.

He was still alive.

I cracked my knuckles, looking at the large pile of sand that came out of my worn-out punching bag, then sighed. I really didn't feel like doing any training tonight.

_**'I guess...I'll go see how he's doing.'**_

Walking to his room seemed like a long, long race that I'd never finish. I don't know why, especially since I had a feeling I knew what would happen. I had actually stopped a few times and turned around, unsure if I could go in there.

When I reached his room, I saw that Leo was in there with him, Mikey curled in his arms and Leo thinking about something.

Mikey was fast asleep, and I looked at him. I didn't want to wake him. Not now.

He deserved this...he deserved his peace.

Leo saw me standing there, and, without jostling Mikey too much, motioned for me to come over.

"He's home, Raph."

I nodded. "Yeah. Kinda hard to believe that, though. It's like...I think he's just..."

Leo tilted his head in understanding. "I get it. But he's home, so...it's up to us to heal him." He smiled down at our brother.

"For now...let's just worry about that. We can deal with everything else later."

I agreed. "Oh, we will. One way or another...we will."

I watched him sleep, and I never noticed how young he looked like that. Too pure for his own good, and he wonders why we're so overprotective...

I cringed a bit at that word. The absolute last word I need to even think about using. _Over_protective? Shit, we _barely_ protected him before! But...I guess that's past, huh Mike?

I gently brushed his head, and he snuggled even more into Leo, if such a thing were possible at that point. He still had that tiny, content smile I'd miss, still dreaming about who knows what. Me and Leo looked at each other, and I finally came to that understanding.

It was him...this was our Mikey once again.

And he was home...he was truly home.

I said good night to those two and headed for my room, smiling to myself as I did.

The minute I closed my door, I felt the sting of tears at my eyes, and wiped them away, only to have more tears take their place.

My shoulders started to tremble, and I slid to the floor, unable to keep my quiet sobs at bay. I wasn't even sure why I was crying; I just...was.

I think I kinda knew how Mikey felt, crying so much. And afterward, I just laid on my hammock and stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep.

You know something? My baby brother was stronger than any of us can hope to be. I don't know where he got it from, how he just kept going, but...I'm glad he did.

He doesn't know it, but it was his strength that got him going. It was his strength, his heart, just him...that saved us all.

I was going to be his protector once more, no matter what he thought of me. I am still going to be his protector of the night, the protector of his heart...

I am always going to protect you, my brother.

**Epilogue**

Almost a full year passed since this whole thing began. It took us a long time, a lot of mending, and even now, we're still trying to heal and put this behind us.

Physically, Mikey was fully healed, although his scars would never fully go away. I would wince whenever I would see them, and if I touched them...I get goosebumps. I hate seeing those things all over him, but I try not to think about that. It could've been way, WAY worse.

While he healed in that category, mentally, Mikey was still a long way from recovery. A long, _long_ way from recovery.

He had been asking for our forgiveness still, and I knew that was going to take longer to leave him. It's not going to be easy when all you heard was that you were responsible for everything wrong.

The first few weeks after his final near-death experience were even more difficult. Again, I do not blame him for acting the way he did.

Mikey never wanted to be left alone with any of us because he thought we were gong execute him for good. He still couldn't face any of us, and most of the time, particularly with Leo and Donny, he would never talk. With me, he would literally freeze and run the other way.

I mean, I could be in the kitchen, and if he walked in and saw me, he'd either keep his head down and keep quiet until I walked out, or turn and go somewhere else. He never looked me in the eye.

At night sometimes, when I walked in there, I would still see him curled up tight and afraid on his bed. I think that was about the only time he'd ever look me in the face.

Every single time, he'd still beg me not to hurt him...and he was still telling me he was sorry for getting me so angry, for hurting me. That was the one and only time I'd hear my littlest brother speak. And it was hard for me. It was.

I knew he would never forget this, but actually hearing him begging for forgiveness...still crying and trying to defend himself...it made me want to kill myself for what I did. And for those few weeks, I seriously hated myself, the person I had to be to want to do all that to him.

To be honest, I knew better. I deserved to be attacked, for him to scream at me, to hate me or something. But it's Mikey. All he knew was how to cry, to express his feelings. He was like Donny, in a way.

He couldn't hate me...but he could try to get my forgiveness. And no matter what, the one truth is not going to change-I am a monster.

It was one evening that Mikey and me...we actually spoke. It wasn't much, but I guess...after everything I put him through, I should count that as a start.

I mean, that night, it seemed rather normal. He was in his room, and I had walked in there to see him, see if he was okay and everything.

At first, I wasn't expecting nothing to change. He saw me, he froze. I didn't ask him anything else. It was routine.

But something changed. Instead of screaming his head off, he did the exact opposite.

When he called my name, I almost didn't hear him; his voice was that soft and low.

_"R-Raphie...?"_

I had stopped for just a minute, and looked over my shoulder. Mikey was looking at me, large, blue orbs holding in so much fear, but trying so hard not to show it.

"Yeah?"

Mikey got out of his bed, and stood on trembling legs facing me. "Mikey?"

He slowly walked toward me, but I was rooted to the spot. I couldn't seem to move toward him for some reason. Maybe because I felt like if I did, I'd somehow cause more damage to him.

He was already a broken child; I didn't need to break him any more than I had.

As soon as he was standing in front of me, though, I didn't think twice about anything. He was just standing there, looking up at me, and I think...I think my heart stopped. Everything stopped once he looked at me.

"Mikey..."

After his name escaped my lips, I pulled him close to me and just hugged him.

What added on to it...he never pulled away from me. He had simply stood there, and after some time, that soft voice drifted up to my ears one again.

_"Thank you, Raphie." _he whispered.

_"Thank you."_

I couldn't seem to find the words I wanted to say to him at that point. And I wasn't sure why he told me that. But I was speechless.

With just those two words, I understood everything.

It took me a very, very long time...but I was his again. I was his protector, his brother once again.

_**'He just doesn't understand, but we'll make him see...we'll make this right again.'**_

I remember that overwhelming feeling I felt taking me over. That protectiveness I once hated to carry around with me. That pride of being his older brother. I don't know what I would've done had we truly lost him that night. I try not to think about it.

Today, things are a little better. Mikey's slowly getting accustomed to us treating him like our little brother, something that really gets under my skin because he shouldn't have to! But what can he do?

He's still afraid; I can see it, and so can the others. He doesn't joke around or make a heap of noise or act like a complete numbskull like he used to. He's barely playing games or reading his comics...the ones that I didn't touch. He barely speaks anymore, unless we press the issue, and he still flinches if we touch him by mistake. He's changed so much...

Now all he does is train, eat, sleep and think. He's quieter than I'm used to, and I don't like it. But...I have to wait. This is gonna take time. And it's our fault that he's like this in the first place.

The one thing I'm thankful never died...his smile. He can still make us all smile, and he can smile as well, so for now...I'm fine with that.

One night, Leo suggested that we all go outside for a run. Mikey hadn't been out for awhile, and he seemed a little nervous about going. Leo convinced him to come along with us. He eventually said yes, and Leo fetched his nunchuckus that he left in his room.

So we did. And I can never truly describe how it felt having our youngest brother with us once again. I just can't describe it.

I mean, I won't lie, the months when he wasn't with us were okay. It got the missions done easier, and we didn't have to worry about watching a little kid's shell. I was free to do what I wanted without hearing him keeping up with me.

But Mikey was smiling so much, laughing and taking in the cool air that caressed him. We watched him as he leaped and bound from one rooftop to the next, looking at the clear nighttime sky. I often wondered why I thought these runs were better without him.

Mikey had never laughed so carefree like he did tonight. And I knew that laughter was something I could never live without.

As we leaped from one rooftop to the next, keeping vigil on both our own shells and on Mikey, we heard something that sounded oddly familiar, yet not clicking into place right away. Mikey was rather far up ahead, and I didn't like the sound of that.

"Leo, I'm going to catch up to Mikey." I told Leo before heading up to Mikey's location.

And of course, as soon as I arrived, guess who decided to surround us.

Damn Foot.

I sighed in heavy annoyance. I was having a very content time, but if they want to die...well, I'll just help them along. I never said I wasn't bored.

I wasn't sure of how many we had to deal with, nor did I really care. I had a lot of energy tonight, and hearing Mikey only made me fight harder and faster. We work pretty well together, and Mikey was stronger than I'd ever seen him. Kinda freaked me out, too, but who am I to complain?

As I removed the body of yet another Foot off my sai, I looked over to Mikey, who was grinning at the group of moaning and partially unconscious ninja that lay at his feet. It seemed like this was just going to be a warm-up, us having pretty much defeated the ninja in only a few minutes.

After we double-checked our surroundings, we decided to head back to Leo and Donny and see what our next course of action was. Mikey turned his back to head up a nearby fire escape, leaving me to check out anything we might of missed.

And that's when I saw it.

One damn ninja who refused to just die.

He had his sword aimed toward my little brother, who was unaware of his unwanted guest.

And I didn't think about anything. I ran to him, and I screamed at Mikey to move.

I knew with the angle the sword was coming in, the rapid speed it was moving, and the fact Mikey was only holding one of his nunchuckus at this current moment, he would have one nasty-and deadly-wound in him.

And I wasn't having that. I just got him back.

I'm not about to let him die.

I threw myself into Mikey, causing him to fly into the nearby wall, and I felt that sword drive deep inside me.

The pain that followed was almost blinding for a moment. The blood was definitely there...and I felt so dizzy, but I hadn't cared; I had to make sure he regretted trying to hurt my brother.

I grabbed one of my sai, turned toward him and ran at him with all the energy I had left. _He_ hadn't seen _me_ coming...what a damn idiot.

I took a swipe at him, and managed to catch his arm. My next one got his chest. And my last one...well, let's just say his head was on a roll.

I smirked as I watched his lifeless corpse topple over. Serves ya right, ya piece of shit. Don't try to touch my brother.

Mikey was groaning and standing up, and I peeked over at him.

Sorry, bro. Hadn't meant to do that, but...I had to do it.

And...you're alright...that's good.

Whatever adrenaline I had rushing through me vanished almost as suddenly as it appeared. I let my sais clatter to the ground, and then the whole world seemed to fall so fast...

All of a sudden, my body felt every square inch of pain, and trying to block it took up energy I simply didn't have. I relaxed against the cold pavement, and it was then I registered someone talking to me.

Mikey...I think Mikey's talking...but whatever he's saying, I don't know. I...I can't really...hear him...

My chest hurts...and it burns just to breathe. And I can't...find any strength to...to move.

It's cold...so damn...c-cold...

The pain's...almost numbing now. I can't feel my side...

Ah, well. I...I know I did the right thing.

Mikey's screaming at me now...telling me...to keep awake...but he sounds so foggy...I can...barely...hear him...

It's getting to be really cold now...why the hell...did it get so cold...so damn...damn fast...

I glance upward at Mikey, and I wince.

He's literally sobbing now.

Mikey, I'm sorry.

But...you're safe.

That's all I need to know.

You're...safe...

* * *

><p><span><strong>Mikey<strong>

_Did he...he just...he..._

_He took that sword...for me?_

_Not again...god, not again!_

_He saw it coming...and I did it again...I left myself wide open, and he...NO!_

_It's my fault...I did it all over again._

_As quickly as I could, I knelt next to him, pressing my hand to his wound, and felt him wince before he opened his eyes._

_My gaze drifted from the sword hilt still sticking out of my brother to his face. _"M-Mikey...you hurt?" _he asked me, pain crossing his face. I shook my head._

_"Why did you do that? You...you didn't have to..." I was stammering, trying to get my ShellCell to call Leo and Donny. I had no clue where they were, but I hoped the were close. I need help!_

_Right after I made the call, I looked back down at him, tears already coming down my cheeks. He's in so much pain right now, and I don't know what to do!_

_"This is my fault, Raph. I wasn't paying attention..."_

_And his blood-stained hand took mine, tightly gripping it as he let out a cough._ "Stop...just stop that. It's...not ya...ya fault..."

_He just took a hit that was meant for me, and it's all because I'm so...stupid! How isn't this my fault?_

_"Raphie, hang on!" I pleaded, watching him cough, feeling his grip on my hand turn vice-like. He nodded, looking up at me with the strangest expression on his face. I can't place it...it was just..._

_I had never seen that expression on his face before._

_He was honestly scared. My older brother was really scared._

"I'm...tryin'...to..."

_Somewhere in the distance, I heard my two older brothers calling us, and I yelled back so they could find us faster, remembering my brother who still had a sword stuck in his side._

"Mikey! Raph!" _"Leo! Guys, over here! Hurry!"_

_I waved them over, and it was then I realized with a growing dread that Raphie's eyes were falling closed. I tapped his cheek, trying to keep him awake._

_Please...don't let him die...I can't lose anyone else!_

_"Raph? Raphie, please, stay awake! Don't die..." I finally got out in a hushed sob._

_Raph smiled, and it was so weird, but I felt this...this calmness just take over me. I don't know why. I really don't._

_Wait a second-what am I thinking? I might be watching my older brother die!_

_A faint touch on my cheek brought me back to the issue at hand. He looked like the pain had passed, and that stupid sentence that they all liked to say somehow fluttered past his barely moving lips._

"Shhh. It's okay. I...I did this...for you."

_And he fell completely unconscious. If Leo and Donny hadn't showed up and pried me away from him at that point, I would've started to shake him awake._

_I had stopped trembling, but nothing added up._

_Why?_

_It's my fault...this whole thing was my fault..._

_Why you, Raphie? Why would you do that?_

_Leo took Raph in his arms, and once I snapped out of my trance, we ran as fast as possible to the closest manhole, making sure not to move the sword or drive it any deeper. I wasn't sure how fast we ran, but we did._

_Once we were in the lair, Donny got into his 'doctor' mode, and began to fix Raph up. But that sword was a problem._

_We all knew he would bleed out the minute that sword came out. Donny wanted to hold off pulling it out until he knew exactly what he had to deal with. I was shaking all over again as I watched my once confident and powerful brother laying completely motionless and pale on the bed._

_So helpless...he was so helpless...because of me._

_I watched the steady flow of blood as it pooled near the side of the nasty wound, and I felt like I wanted to throw up._

_It was too much. I wanted to run somewhere, to be anywhere else but here. It was just too much!_

_Leo and Donny were talking somewhere nearby, but it was barely filtering in. All I caught was that he needed a blood transfusion quickly, and that the sword had to come out soon. I also caught that one part that I wish I never had to hear._

_I'm the only one compatible to donate...I'm the only one that can save him._

_That doesn't comfort me! He shouldn't be here...he shouldn't..._

"Mike?"

_Leo and Donny stood over me, jostling me out of my thoughts. I looked at them both, tears already swimming in my eyes. "Guys, I...I didn't mean this...I'm sorry."_

_Leo shook his head and hugged me, my head pressing so close to his chest. He was really warm, but I hadn't noticed how cold I felt. I didn't care._

_Right now, I needed that._

_I was so scared...God, I was scared..._

"Mike, it's going to be fine. He'll be alright. Besides, it's Raph. He won't die like this." _he muttered in my ear._

_"I-I know, but...what if he..." I whimpered, not sure what I was getting at, just clinging to him and comprehending a firm hand pressing my head to a warm chest._

"Shhh. It's alright. He's going to pull through. Just watch him."

_I shut my eyes tight, trying to calm myself down._

_He's right...Leo's right...Raph will make it. He has to...he has to! So I can't...I can't break down right now. Raph needs me...to be strong..._

_After some time, I could hear Donny working on Raph, and Leo released me so that we could talk to him._

_Within the next minute, the urgent words that came out of my genius brother hit me hard._

"He needs a blood transfusion. **NOW**."

_Leo looked at Raph, then the two of us, particularly me._

"Mikey...me and Donny aren't compatible..." _He trailed off. I knew why._

_Now, what I was doing when I agreed, I don't know._

_All I knew was that I was not going to lose him, no matter what happened._

_Donny laid me down on another bed that was within arm length of my unconscious brother. As I watched him locate the needle he needed to draw my blood, and it was only for a brief minute, I had something of a flashback, recalling the hell I had to deal with being here, the hell Donny actually put me through._

_I know it's almost been a year, but...I can't shake it all away, no matter what they do. It's hard._

_I sniffed, hoping Donny hadn't heard me. But I think he did, because he stopped what he was doing to come over to me._

"Mikey? Is everything okay?" _he asked in a worried tune._

_I wiped my eyes, looking up at the rusty ceiling. Letting out a shaky breath, I told him._

_"I-I'm scared. And I just...had a flashback...about being here, and I...I..."_

_Donny sighed, and came over to me. For some reason, I couldn't look him in the face._

_Donny placed a gentle hand on my cheek, and I looked at him._

"I know. But...I won't do that again. Right now, we need to save Raph, and..."

_Another warm hug enveloped me, and he leaned close enough to me to hear him whisper it again._

"I'm sorry, Mikey. But just be strong, okay? We're going to save our brother."

_I nodded, and once he got me situated, I looked over at Raph and I knew._

_I was going to save him. I was going to do everything in my power to save him, like he did for me._

_Donny slowly inserted the needle into my arm. I avoided looking at the needle altogether, looking more at the blood ran up the tube into a bag. After some time, Donny disconnected it from me and set up the same equipment on Raph's end._

_Then he looked back at me. _"Mikey...we have to pull this thing out so I can see what was punctured."

_"I-Is Raph going to...to be awake?" I asked, nearly screaming._

_Donny slowly nodded yes. _"I can't...risk putting him to sleep, Mike. I don't want him to fall into a coma...or worse." _he explained sadly. I gulped quietly._

_He was going to feel it all...Raphie was going to hurt so much...and there's only so much one turtle can take. Even him._

_I nodded weakly, my whole body feeling so numb all of the sudden. I just wanted it to be over with. "O-Okay."_

_Donny turned back to Raph, his hands firmly gripping the hilt of the sword._

"Okay." _he murmured to my semi-unconscious brother._

"I'm sorry, Raph. This is gonna hurt...but hang tight."

_I heard the sickening sound of flesh being torn as the sword was being taken out, as my brother suddenly screamed and jerked under then immense pain he had to had felt. It was times like this I cursed my ninja hearing._

_I covered my ears as Donny pulled it out, and felt lightheaded when more blood oozed from the wound._

_Oh god...oh god, he...he was in pain...Raphie..._

_The next thing I knew, I heard Donny calling out to me, someone reaching out to hold me up, trying to snap me out of it. Someone else called me...and then darkness...it took me away so fast. I couldn't take it anymore._

_All I hoped for was that he made it. I don't want him to die._

_He has to live. He has to...because I have to tell him I'm sorry._

* * *

><p><span><strong>Raph<strong>

_**Damn...I am past freezing cold right now...what's...happening...?**_

_**Last thing I remember was being stabbed...and Mikey crying...and after that...not a damn thing.**_

_**Take that back. Something hurts...a lot!**_

_**Fuck that hurts...damn...can't...get any air...**_

_**Make it stop...stop it...make it...make it stop!**_

_**I think I'm screaming...but I don't know...it feels so unreal...can't breathe!**_

_**Is it supposed to hurt you this much? It feels worse than before!**_

_**W-Wait...Donny's talking...can...can hear him...I gotta...gotta focus...on him...but it...it hurts so bad...**_

_**Mikey...where is he? I...I...hear him...but I...I...can't see...him...or any...anyone...**_

_**Where...where is everyone...?**_

_**Leo...this hurts...make it...stop...please.**_

_**It hurts...and I feel really dizzy...**_

_**My body has nothing left...I feel so...so...sleepy...**_

_**Sleep...yeah. It sounds good.**_

_**That's what I need to do...to sleep.**_

_**I...I might feel...better...**_

_o0o0o0o0o_

Why do I feel so comfy? Am I dead?

Barely having energy in me, but curious to see what was going on, I cracked my eyes open. Well, at least I'm not dead yet. Not with this fuckin' light beating down on me.

My head was killing me, my side was killing me, and for some reason, my throat was really dry. Everything seemed so bright and loud. The sword that was originally in my side no longer existed, either.

Next to me was Mikey. I saw him lying in another bed nearby, a light sheet covered over his worn-out body. His chest rose evenly as he slept. Titling my head, I faintly caught sight of the bandage that was on his right forearm and the tears that had dried on his young face.

Wait a damn second...what the hell just happened? Was he hurt? I thought he...oh, my head. Damn, I feel so sick right now...and I'm pretty sure I hadn't eaten...

Before I had a chance to wake him, my headache suddenly became too much to bear, and I quickly slipped back into unconsciousness. I could hear one of the others walking in...but I don't know who. I was in too much muddled confusion and pain to really care.

The next time I came around, I felt a lot better. At least I could think straight. My body wasn't hurting me as much, either. Out of instinct, I gently rested my hand over the tightly wrapped bandages around my torso, and winced on contact.

Take that back. _That_ pain right there? Hurts like a bitch!

_"R-Raphie...you're awake?"_

Mikey was standing a good distance away from me, and looked relieved at me hissing about this.

I caught sight of that white on his arm again, and I guess I wasn't dreaming. I wanted to know why that was there. When did he get hurt?

At some point, Mikey caught my staring and, sheepishly covering his arm, answered my question.

_"You...you lost a lot of...of blood. I-I'm the only one that matched, so I..."_

I nodded, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed, and I looked him up and down. Something was not right with him, and I could see it.

He just seemed so out of it, almost tense. I kept checking his body for any other wounds he was trying to hide, then looked up into his face. "Mikey."

He jumped slightly. _"Y-Yeah?"_

"How long was I out?"

This time, he gave me a weak smile, but still avoided my gaze.

_"A long time." _he muttered, sounding like he was lost in a daze. "_Leo was starting to lose it. He'd been pacing for hours, and I don't think neither him or Donny actually went to sleep until just now."_

I had to laugh. Leo pacing about the place certainly suits him, and well, Donny isn't one for sleeping no matter what you tell him.

The room became eerily quiet. Mikey still hadn't moved from his spot, and I decided that this was going on too long. I was about to interrogate the shell out of him when he walked over to me, struggling to keep himself from breaking down for who-knows how many times. I felt him laid a shaking, gentle hand on my arm.

"Mikey?"

_"I'm sorry...I didn't...you shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry, Raphie..." _he whispered.

So that was it. He still thinks it's his fault.

"Mikey, I told you before, and I'll say it again. It was not your fault." I stated, taking his hand in mine.

"It wasn't your fault."

He shook his head, one arm covering his eyes as he tried to speak through his tears.

_"But why..why would you do that? You almost...you almost..."_

I moved his arm and wiped his tears. He let out a sob, and I forced him to look at me.

"Mikey...Mikey, look. It's fine. I'm alive because of you." I gently said. He shook his head.

_"You...you almost died, and I...I got so scared...I got so scared...Raphie!" _he cried out, throwing himself into my arms.

I hugged him, ignoring my own pain as his face became buried in the crook of my neck, his tears running rapidly down my shoulder and chest...so warm...

"Mike, stop saying that. I did this because it was right. You're my brother...and I would die for you." I explained. He pulled away from me, wide-eyed and shaking.

_"No...no, no, no...Raphie...don't say that...don't..." _he pleaded, falling to his knees and crying.

I got off the bed and crouched down to meet him face-to-face. Tilting my head a little, I placed both my hands on his face, pulling him close, until his forehead touched mine.

_"Please...don't say that." _he whispered again. _"Please don't say that."_

"Listen to me, okay? I'm alive. I lived. And even if I hadn't, it wouldn't matter. You're our baby...we have to protect you. No matter what the cost." I softly explained to him.

Keeping my eyes locked on his, I simply smiled, my thumb gently running over his cheek. And I knew I was crying.

To be honest, I had felt scared out of my shell that night. I had never felt that much fear hit me all at once, and I sure it was done for me.

I told you...it's because of this kid.

And after all that I put him through, I wanted to let that light glow forever. I couldn't lose him. It was as simple as that.

_"But I-" _I placed a finger on his beak.

"Just...just hear me. And I mean it."

He froze. "Mike, I was horrible to you, and you know that. I deserved everything that happened, and you know something? I wish so bad that you hate my guts. I really wished you hated me, hit me, something!"

Before he had a chance to retaliate, I continued.

"Yet...even after that...even after I almost killed you, forced you to live in fear...you still asked for something you never had a reason to ask for."

Mikey was still, and I dropped my hand, chuckling softly through my tears. "I know what I am, Mike. I know I was worst than any type of monster out there. "

Mikey's eyes grew slightly wide. _"Raphie...Raphie, no..."_

Shaking my head, I wiped my eyes, only to have more tears fogging my view.

"I never protected you before, and you know that. I nearly killed you, and I almost let you die on a regular basis. We all did this to you."

Mikey didn't seem to be breathing with how still he was. I tend to have that affect on people when I'm this...affectionate.

"I'm sorry for everything. But know this...until the day I die...you will never feel that kind of pain again. I promise you that."

I never knew Mikey to shake so much. Damn, I almost thought he'd dissolve right in front of me!

"I love you, little bro." I whispered.

He nodded before his arms wrapped around me once again, his damp face pressing into my neck, sobbing quietly.

_"M-Me too...but I don't...w-w-want you all...to do this anymore...please, Raphie...'_ he blubbered.

I sighed, tears still falling down my cheeks, and stood up with him.

"We have to. And you know that. But...that doesn't mean you can't fight. You're strong, little bro, and don't you dare forget it."

We sat on the bed, him still holding onto me and me onto him, his face still pressed on my shoulder.

_"R-Raphie?" _he breathed quietly. No question, no asking. Just a plea.

He just wanted me here. And I understood. I understood him.

And for tonight, I was fine with him doing this.

"It's alright." I whispered in his ear. "It's gonna be alright, Mikey."

With those words being said, I think that we officially managed to mend whatever hidden seams that were still torn. I don't know, I just...I felt something truly different changing.

There was no fear now. We're gonna be alright.

Neither one of us spoke for the rest of the time, but it wasn't a problem. We said a lot just by saying nothing at all.

Yeah, I still hate myself. I don't care how many different ways they try to put it. As far as I'm concerned, I still owe Mikey a lot, and while he probably will never say it, I know he still wishes he'd let me die that night.

Does he still fear me? Yeah, I'm sure of it. Does he fear the others? More than likely, yeah. I know he'll never truly forget, but he forgave. That's all I can ask for.

But as long as I can do this...still hug him and smack him upside the head and chase him around the sewers for doing the dumbest things and laugh at his stupid, corny jokes...then this whole thing...it was worth it.

_**'Mikey, I don't know how often you hear this...but thank you.'**_ I thought to myself as I watched my now sleeping brother.

I slipped from under him, picked him up bridal-style, and managed to carry him to his room and laying him on his bed before I collapsed next to him. He curled under me in an instant.

It's funny, because the truth, the very thing that we denied him, the very thing he wanted to know for so long...was always with us from the start. And it sadly took this one incident to acknowledge that.

_**'That truth you wanted? It was you, you know that?' **_I smiled up at the ceiling, absentmindedly stroking his shell as he slept.

_**'The truth, Mikey...was always you.'**_

And it was one truth I could always accept.


	14. Chapter 14

**This is the absolute LAST chapter for this story. One of my reviewers suggested I tell Donny's POV since I told everyone else. I didn't want to leave him out. I hope you guys like it! Hopefully it came out okay, but I'll you decide.**

**Thanks again for all the lovely reviews and faves and everything! I'm happy you all liked it!**

**Enjoy! And please review!**

* * *

><p><strong>Together<strong>

**Chapter 14-Donny**

Has it really been a year already? Has time flew past us that quickly?

It's really been a full year. I never thought that would ever come to pass, but...it's over. A full, hard, and stressful year.

While that is true, he's still healing. I mean, we all have some sense of closure, but I guess, if I looked back at how it all started, I'd never believe that we'd make it this far, or still have our littlest brother to prove it.

But to be honest, even today, this very day...Mikey's still healing. I know he is. And he always will. And in some kind of way, so are we.

Every day I keep looking at him, and I see a drastic change in him. He's just not our little goofball anymore. He would never be the little life of the party that he always was, always cheering everyone up and waking up smiling with his comics and games...he can never go back to that.

And it saddens me because I know he wants things to go back to those times. _I_ want it to go back to those times! I want him to irritate the shell out of Raph and Leo and get my blood pressure rising after I stagger out of my lab covered in smoke!

But he knows. And I know. Everyone does.

He can't do that anymore.

And I miss that so much. I miss that because he never deserved to hurt like he did, or be put through everything he was put through.

He's getting there, though. Slowly, he's returning back to us. I watch him sometimes when we're training or something, and I see tiny bits of his old self. He's stronger than I'd ever seen him, and he's still growing today.

Something that I'm thankful never changed...his smile. His innocent smile. I was honestly afraid that he'd lost the reason to even do that anymore. But he never did.

I still want that boy to smile, no matter what may happen.

Every day, I think about that journal that I read. I never read the poems and nightmares he had, just the long entries Raph showed me. And it's sad, really.

I nearly threw up the first night after I read that. I wanted to. I had to feel something, anything that would allow me to feel that pain that he still feels now.

I wondered if he feared me the most. I think he did. Maybe because I'm usually the quietest. I hurt him so bad and so much...I wonder if he really can forgive me, if he can really forgive any of us.

There are nights when I'm in my lab, and I would actually stop working for almost twenty minutes, just to wait for Mikey to burst in here and do something crazy to me and my lab.

But I know I'm deluding myself.

And I know these things take time.

I went into his room one night. Mikey was on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. If it wasn't for his rising and falling chest, I would have thought he'd killed himself.

It's something we all notice that he does lately. He's always thinking about something, most of the time quiet as ever. And for some reason, that annoys me.

He should be jumping around and driving us crazy! But...

"Mikey?"

He looked over at me, and his smile...it was so soft, and I almost rocked back on my heels.

He's still smiling...

_"Hey, Donny. Do you need something?"_ he asked me.

I nodded. There was something I wanted to talk to him about, if Leo and Raph hadn't gotten there yet.

"Can I...come in?"

He nodded, sitting upright and making room for me. I walked in and sat down next to him, feeling the bed shift as Mikey put his feet back on the bed.

A tilt of his head, he asked,_ "What's up?"_

I almost lost my train of thought for a second. Mikey was looking at me, the expression on his face...I don't know. It...it was something that I hadn't seen since this whole mess began.

I wasn't sure if I could say this to him. It was something else that we picked up on.

Mikey was talking to us, but as far as I know, he never really tells us anything that troubles him anymore. He talks only when he has to.

Again, it's not his fault. He still can't trust us enough to tell us when something bugs him or hurts him. And after the attack and us nearly losing Raph...it seemed like he closed in more on himself.

It's really sad...but I understood that.

A green hand waved in front of my face. _"Hey, Donny? You in there, brainiac?"_

I snapped out of it and looked at him. He sighed once he saw I was with it once again.

_"You okay? What's up?"_

I shook my head. "I just...I wanted to check on you. How about you?"

He shrugged. _"Been better."_

Then I noticed a change in expression. He seemed hesitant, but I gently nudged him. After only two or three minutes, he cracked. _"Is...Is Raphie okay?"_ he asked me.

I arched an eye ridge. That was not what he wanted to tell me. I could easily see it by his body language.

Besides that, Raph told me he'd talked to him the day he woke up, and I knew Mikey was in there the whole time Raph was recovering. So why...?

I played along, answering his question. "Yeah. Stubborn as usual. I think he's out topside with Casey."

"And Leo? Is he alright?"

Now, at that one, I was _really _confused. Leo had been back to his old self-training for hours on end-and was still training when I came up here. Even though I told that knucklehead to go to sleep for later on today...

I frowned at that one. God, I have hardheaded older brothers...

I then looked back at Mikey. "Why?"

Mikey smiled to himself. _"I...Nothing. Never mind._"

I knew right then and there was something troubling him. And I refused to let him bottle it because he was so afraid of us.

"What? What is it, Mikey?" I persisted.

Mikey shook his head. _"I-It's nothing, really. I just...I..."_

I scooted closer. "Mikey, what?"

Another shake of the head. _"It's nothing, Donny. Can we just drop this?"_

I firmly said no, and took his hands in mine.

"Mike, I won't tell the others, if that's what's bugging you. But please don't hold this in."

I looked at him. "Tell me what's wrong."

He nodded, his expression looking like he was stuck in a daze. _"I...I want to, but...I can't."_

I leaned forward a bit so I could fully see his face. "Why not?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath _"Because...I'd rather forget about it. It's..."_

"What?"

He opened his eyes after a few seconds. _"It's painful, Donny. I don't want to think about it."_

Not this again...

"What is? Mikey, you gotta tell me what's going on."

He didn't say anything, just stared into space. I let out a breath. I didn't want to say this...I really didn't.

"Mikey, are you blaming yourself for Raph's injury?"

After another long standstill, he finally nodded.

"Mikey...oh, Mikey..."

I sighed, tightening my hold on his somewhat shaking hands.

"Mikey, none of this was your fault. It happened, and we made it. To be honest, that's all we could have asked for that night."

He nodded again. I could only hope he understood what I was trying to tell him.

_"Donny?" _he asked.

"Yeah?"

Mikey looked stright at me. And the freakiest and most disturbing question I ever heard came out of his mouth.

_"Do you...do you still wish I were dead?"_

I was caught of guard by that, but I quickly answered.

"No Michelangelo. I do not wish you were dead, and I will never do such a thing ever again." I stated before this conversation wound up going the wrong way.

Mikey blinked at the drawn-out answer to a simple question, then smiled. Right after that, he did something that I never thought he'd do for a long, long time.

He hugged me. I almost tumbled of the bed with the weight he threw on me, but held back firm.

"Is everything alright, Mikey?" I asked. He nodded, and I was about to press the matter even further when he sighed again and asked me another, more harder question.

_"Donny, is it...is it easy to let go of this kind of pain?"_

I was about to answer no, but stopped to think about that. "To be honest Mikey, it isn't. The kind of pain we inflicted on you...that takes true time to heal. A lot of it. I don't think there's any other way to put it."

I looked over at his desk. "I don't think it's something you can just...just get rid of, you know? You can't ever truly and completely forget, Mikey. It doesn't work like that. It never does. If it did...you'd hurt worse."

Mikey nodded, and I felt his hands clench on my chest. _"So then...how come I still feel...so afraid?"_

"It's because we're your brothers. We harmed you in ways that I refuse to even think about right now. And it makes sense for you to fear us because of that."

I looked down at him. "Is that what was troubling you?"

_"No."_ he answered, a little too quickly. _"I was...just curious."_

"Then what is it?"

He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped again and shook his head.

_"I'm sorry. I can't say it."_

That was eating at me. Something was bugging him again, and judging from the fact that it was, he never told Leo or Raph about it.

Maybe I can get through to him. But what could be bugging him so badly that he can't even force himself to tell me?

"Mikey...is it...is it about Father?" I carefully asked.

Looks like I hit the jackpot. Mikey looked like a deer in headlights all of a sudden.

"Mikey?"

He quickly pulled away from me and wrapped his arms about himself. So I was right...That's still a touchy subject for him.

"I'm sorry, Mikey. I didn't mean to upset you..." I quietly apologized.

This was the first time I'd mention our father to him in a long time. And I guess he must still have that guilt...and those still healing wounds that came with it.

"Mikey?" I called out, inching close enough to touch him.

He looked at me, and I really had to mentally face-palm myself. I made him cry...

"I'm sorry, Mikey."

He nodded, wiping away the tears that had traced down his cheeks, only for more to come take their place.

And then he did it again.

_He_ apologized.

_"I'm sorry...I-I'm sorry, Donny..."_ he blubbered softly, his shoulders shaking.

I should have known better then to do that! He's still raw over that...I am an idiot!

"What happened, Mikey?" I asked. He sniffed.

_"I...I didn't mean it...Donny, I didn't mean for it to happen..."_

I rubbed his shaking shoulders, and he just cried even more into my shoulder. "Shhhh...I know that. I know you didn't. But what happened that night?"

Mikey stopped long enough to tell me what he wanted to remember. _"I-I told Father...that I wanted to help him fight...that thing...it had a gun, and I was afraid he'd use it on Father if he went alone..."_

He took a shaky breath. _"I didn't listen, and ended up fighting with him anyway. And we almost had him...until I had to drop my guard...a-a-and Father t-t-tried to warn me, and I...I didn't..."_

It clicked into place then. And I finally knew why Mikey had so many different nightmares about Father being shot.

"Was Father shot?" I asked even though I knew the answer.

_"Y-Yeah...six times..."_

I took in a sharp breath. I mean, even though I'd actually read about what had happened to Father, actually hearing Mikey say it made this whole thing sound...different. I can't explain it.

It just made it that much more worse, I guess.

"Mikey, do you want to go and see Father?" I asked. Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't remember us taking Mikey to go see him in a while.

He seemed reluctant to want to go, and that was fine with me.

"If you want, we can go some other time." I said. But Mikey placed his hand over my arm to stop me from getting up.

_"No." _he shakily managed to tell me._ "No, I...I wanna see him."_

I grew worried at his tone. I didn't want him to stress himself if he couldn't handle it. "You sure? We can go with the others later or something."

Mikey insisted on going, and I gave in. We both got our ShellCells, and quietly snuck out of the lair before either Raph or Leo noticed we were missing.

Father's grave site was still in Central Park, so it took a bit of time for us to get there. That wasn't my concern.

My concern was Mikey. The entire walk over, Mikey was growing more and more silent, even slowing down at times. I knew he was nervous, but this was beyond what I had in mind.

"Mikey, it's fine. We're going together, alright? I'm gonna stick with you." I told him.

He looked over at me and smiled a little. _"Thanks, Donny."_ he said softly.

I couldn't help but think,_ 'He's being so strong right now...but he's so scared...'_

Once we got there, we both stood at his grave marker. Nothing fancy, just a simple wooden headboard with his name crudely scratched on it. We didn't want anyone to find him. Besides, we were only thirteen with hardy any knowledge of the outside world.

I began to advance toward it to pay my respects, but Mikey stood far back, looking at that headboard like it would attack him or something.

"Mikey? You alright?" I asked for the twentieth time. He nodded, but I could see new tears threatening to overtake him again.

I put my arm about his shoulder and gave it a tight squeeze. "Come on. I'll walk with you, okay?"

Mikey seemed more relaxed and relieved at that idea, and together we both walked over to his grave. We stood there with our father's remains, saying our praying and talking to him.

Or rather, I was. Mikey barely spoke anything past the words, _'I'm sorry.'_

And I couldn't take it anymore. I hated those words more than anything.

"Mikey, you do know Father isn't mad at you, right?"

He looked over at me._ "He should be. I caused this...I caused him to die..."_

I looked away, ashamed because that was a lie. A lie we forced him to believe.

"No you didn't, Mikey. It happened because he was defending us. Knowing Father...he would've done it regardless." I said, hating every word that left my mouth.

Mikey didn't say anything for awhile. I let him have his time, still paying my respects to our deceased father. After a few minutes, Mikey said in this childlike voice, _"Donny?"_

"Yeah, Mikey?"

And he wrapped his arms around me again. I guess he really is slowly trusting me again...and I'm so thankful.

I missed him hugging me so much, and I missed being able to do the same.

"What's wrong, bro?"

He didn't answer right away at first, just kept breathing in and out and holding onto me. I wonder if this was what he wanted...

"Is there something else you want to tell me?" I asked. He shook his head no.

"Then what is it?"

Mikey turned his head so he could see our father's headboard again. After a minute, he whispered, _"It's nothing. I just wanted to do this."_

I smiled, following his gaze. "That's okay."

I thought hard about his actions, and then I asked, "Mike, are you scared?"

He nodded. _"I don't know if it's because of what happened or what, but...I just...I still feel afraid of something..."_

I stopped him. "No, that's okay. You don't have to explain."

Mikey nodded again, and I figured that was as much as he was going to tell me for tonight. But he had one more thing to say.

_"Hey, Donny?"_

"Hmm?"

Mikey looked at me. _"I almost forgot to tell you...Thank you." _he said.

"Huh?" I replied, confused. "For what?"

Another gentle smile graced my baby brother's cheeks._ "For everything._"

I didn't know what to say but 'You're welcome.' I just didn't expect him to say something like that to me. Anything else, sure. If he wanted to get out his hatred for me, for any of us, I was ready for it. I was expecting it.

But he forgave us, like he always has...never hated us, just forgave...

We stayed there long after we finished speaking to our father. I guess neither one of us were ready to let this end.

Sitting under the tree that we held in our father's honor, Mikey hadn't moved away from me, which also surprised me. I could feel him weight growing more and more heavy, and I checked the time.

It was only a few minutes after midnight, but it was getting late. I had some training to do in a few hours, and I was quite exhausted.

"Mikey, you ready to go home?"

Mikey mumbled something close to a 'yeah', and I chuckled. Somehow, I get the feeling this guy didn't catch all his sleep last night.

I stood up and dusted myself. Mikey followed suit. Saying a final farewell to our dad, we started for home, me having to partially carry Mikey because he seemed to be walking in a daze, and I was afraid he's fall off a building at some point in time.

Once we reached the manhole we had left from and got back to the lair, I checked to see if Leo or Raph had noticed if we had left. But hearing a heavy snore from upstairs told me otherwise.

Me and Mikey staggered upstairs to our rooms. I had to help Mikey to his room because he had actually began to sleepwalk halfway up the stairs.

The minute he seemed to have found the foot of his bed, he collapsed into his pillow. I wondered to myself, _'Did he sleep at all last night?_'

But he seemed at ease, though. Whatever was troubling him must have been put at ease, and I considered us going to visit Father a success.

As I sat him up to remove his headband, I could hear him mumble a bunch of things, and I shook my head, although I couldn't stop myself from smiling.

Maybe, just maybe, things can go back to how it was...and I know now that we can get our little brother back for sure...I know he can come back to us once and for all.

_"...night, Don..."_ he muttered as the last bouts of sleep completely took him over.

I carefully and gently laid his head down on his pillow and sat his headband on his nightstand, then gave him a small kiss on his forehead.

"Night, little brother." I whispered back. "Sweet dreams."

As I began to head to my room for the night, I noticed that he had a notebook lying out on the desk. It looked new and it was red. I picked it up, and couldn't help the warmth I felt inside me.

It was a journal. And on the outside cover...was an old photo of us. We had to have been, like, six or seven in that photo...I didn't think Mikey would have these little mementos of us still...and I shuddered because had we truly lost him that night...we honestly would've lost everything.

Mikey's a constant reminder of who we are.

A family.

I looked on the bottom, and written there were these words:

**'Best friends forever,**

**Brothers forever,**

**Turtles forever,**

**Together forever.'**

I stopped at that last part.

'**_Together...'_**

I looked back at Mikey, then the photo. Setting the journal down, I turned back around and sat on Mikey's bed, watching as he took and exhaled each breath, a lot of things running through my mind.

For the longest time now, I've been asking myself if we were ever going to truly heal, if he was ever going to heal. I've wondered if anything would be how it once was. Every night, since this whole thing started, I've often wondered about that.

After this night, I know...things can go back to normal. Granted, it's not gonna be perfect, and at times, it's gonna hurt like shell.

It doesn't matter to me. I'm going to fight this...and I'm going to make sure that he never goes through anything like this ever again. I'm going to help him and I'm going to bring him back.

Me and the others...we're going to get you back, Mikey.

**'We'll always be brothers forever, Mikey. That's never gonna change.' **

I smiled at that thought. The thought that we can put his heart and soul back together again...and finally bring our little innocent goofball home at last.

"We're gonna bring you back home real soon. Just keep fighting for us, Mikey...and know that you aren't alone." I said quietly, still watching him as he slept peacefully.

It will be hard, but you'll never be alone, Mikey. We're fighting right alongside you.

And we're going to be together until the end.

**END**


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